Another Quick Post: Grapevine Fires

So I have been listening to this song lately and really love it, if you want to listen to it paste this in the address bar and click on "play" next to the second hit:

http://sadsteve.com/search.py?q=grapevine+fires

Here are the lyrics to Death Cab for Cutie "Grapevine Fires"

When the wind picked up
The fire spread
And the grapevine seemed left for dead
And the northern sky, looked like the end of day,
The end of days.

A wake up call to a rented room
Sounded like an alarm of impending doom.
To warn us it's only a matter of time.
Before we all burn
Before we all burn
Before we all burn
Before we all burn

We bought some wine and some papercups
Neared your daughter's school
and we picked her up
And drove to the cemetary on a hill, on a hill.

And we watched the plumes paint the sky gray
As she laughed and danced through the field of graves
And there I knew it would be alright
That everything would be alright,
Would be alright
Would be alright
Would be alright.

And the news reports on the radio
Said it was getting worse
As the ocean air fanned the flames.
But I couldn't think there
was anywhere I would have
rather been
To watch it all burn away.
To burn away.

The firemen worked in double shifts,
With prayers of rain on their lips
And they knew it was only a matter of time.

State of the Matt Address

I was looking for anniversary cards the other day. Kylee and I had our 4th anniversary. We have been married a very, very long time. I like to give cards to Kylee, I think she is actually the only person I ever get cards for. I like her a lot, so it makes sense.

I was reading the cards and almost every card had something to the effect of:

"we have seen the good and bad times . . . "

I was thinking, yeah we have. Then I thought about it some more and realized I can't really say that is the case. Kylee and I have never really experienced the bad times. We have been in arguments, we have been mad at each other. But I would never classify those few occasions as "bad times." I wouldn't even say we have had any real big trials in our four year marriage (knock on wood - I am not asking for any).

I began to think about just the last eight years in general, since I was baptized. It has been great. Here are some things I want to bring special attention to:

1. Spirituality - this one is weird for me to talk about overall, because you guys do not live in my head - it probably wouldn't be that interesting. However, I think things are going really well.
2. Females - Well, one actually. I met Kylee and things are going great. I would say I have what I would consider an ideal marriage. Yes, it could improve, but I absolutely love it, and I think this is what marriage is supposed to be like.
3. Family - things are going overall well in this category also. Kylee and I have two superb children, we have lots of fun together and we love our extended family a great deal.
4. Education - this is one aspect of my life where I just step back and say "Am I really doing/accomplishing this?" I was an absolutely horrible high school student, and I am 2.5 years from graduating with a doctorate! That is crazy to me. Also, things went amazingly well. I got a total of 70,000/90,000 dollars that my grad school is paid for in scholarship money. Again, amazing. I hope I do well enough this year to keep the scholarship, but even if I don't, we have been incredibly blessed. The Lord helped me a great deal, I believe, to get a good LSAT score. It was something that when I look back at that time I can say I gave maximum effort and did my part for the Lord to bless me. And bless me he did - I got a good LSAT score in large part from the blessings of the Lord. I am truly grateful for his help in this section of my life, however, I often think that this aspect he helps me at too much, making me think that it won't be for me as much as this aspect will help others some day, in some way.
5. Physical Strength - I read the August 2006 Ensign First Presidency Message by Elder Faust about fathers (maybe September). In it he says that a man's first priority it to take care of his spiritual and physical body. I was surprised at how important he deemed it to be. He lists it in front of many things. I have not been doing so good in this category. I weighed myself the other night and I am at 187.5. That is the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I actually think I may have been 1.5 pounds heavier at the end of the mission, but you get the idea. My weight fluctuates so much. It is not a mystery as to why either--when I exercise I am skinny, when I do not, I am not. I need to do better in this category. I would say my ideal weight is about 160. I was 155 when I graduated high school, but I am a little older now and don't expect that. I am going to try to make this aspect a little better. However, it must be made known that I am very grateful for the health that I enjoy. I really have no health problems, which I really must acknowledge is an amazing gift from God.
6. Friendship - this one is easy. Kylee and I have the best friends there are. When I think about the people in my life, and the people we are closest to, I just am amazed at the quality of these people's character. Special mention must be made of Sam/Becky and Dan/Cindy. We have spent by far the most amount of time with these people and we cherish each moment we have spent with them. I really only miss Utah because this is where they live (and Cafe Rio). Growing up with Sam (and coming to know Becky) and living downstairs from Dan/Cindy are things that I am grateful to God for. Nothing makes life more enjoyable than good company. There are countless other people I would consider very good friends, but these are the people we have spent the most time with and as a result feel a special bond with. The fact that we all got married and had kids around the same time only further explains our bond, I believe.

So that is just a quick run-down. I feel like I have been so blessed. When I get a card for Kylee I want it to say thanks for making my life have few down times. I wrote in the card that I bought her that I was grateful for her and glad we have not needed to go through many really hard times. I also mentioned that she is probably the reason why. However, one thing that gives me great reassurance is that if those hard times ever do come, and they inevitably will, I know she will be there with me. She makes hard times seem not as bad.

Anyway, publicly, I am just a incredibly grateful person. Not only for the reasons I mentioned, but also for food, shelter, clothing and safety. What a blessing it is to not have to worry about other nations coming in and destroying our homes and generally taking away our peace and safety. This blessing, I believe, cannot be emphasized enough. Things are going just incredibly well. I wanted you all to know that, and give a shout out to our Heavenly Father, who I think is the Author of all that is good and desirable. I hope he knows that I am grateful to Him for these things also. I would consider myself, of all things, blessed.

Potty Training and Psychology

Mikelle had not peed in her pants for about a week and a half. Even at night she was holding it. She just decided she wanted to be a "big girl" as she sees it. We were ecstatic. She would run in and tell us she had to pee or poo.

However, at Dan and Cindy's the other night Dan noticed that Mikelle had peed her pants. Ever since then she pees her underwear and then asks to go to the bathroom, alternating between being a "big girl" and not. It is strange.

I think it is something psychological. I think she did not know where she was or the bathroom situation at Dan and Cindy's house and peed her pants as a result of being in a strange situation. Now I think she has just come to feel like she has let us down or something, so she has given up.

Either way, I wonder what is in that little head. I really want her to feel absolutely comfortable and confident, and I hope that we are understanding her enough to meet her needs. I would be quite sad if I knew she felt like she had let us down, and was just giving in.

Hopefully we can figure it out.

Either way, I was dang proud of her for that week and a half. And actually still really am. She is a great kid!

She even got new undies for Christmas that she need to put on right away when she got them.

Knowing Jesus

Today we had an exceptional sacrament meeting. The Engel's spoke about coming to know the Lord.

Sister Engel shared the story about the man that comes into an office and sits down with an interviewer. The interviewer asks the man to tell him who Jesus is. The man tells him basic historical facts, and the interviewer says "but who is He?" The man then tells historical facts, but with even greater detail. Again, not the correct answer and the original question prompt is repeated. The man then says something similar again and then is invited to leave (nicely).

Another man comes in. He is asked who Jesus is. The man then gets on his knees and says "My Lord, My God!" And he recognizes that it is the Lord asking the questions. At least that is the most common interpretation. I don't think the interviewer has to be Jesus and it would still work well. Because, to one man he is a historical figure (even though they may relate parts of the story that imply He is divine) while another can just say that Jesus is their Lord and God. Either way.

I feel like the interviewer is Christ. The second interviewee recognizes that it is His Savior that he is speaking with and worships Him. Sister Engel shared the story quite nicely. She then spoke about many tender mercies that have helped her know Christ. Her talk, and testimony, were both very touching.

Then her husband, Brother Engel, spoke. He spoke about knowing Christ also. But when he spoke he had a rather unique, and quite beautiful, approach. He spoke about how he would know who Christ is when he returns because he has seen all the characteristics of Christ in different settings.

He spoke about how he did not see Christ create the heavens and the earth, but he has participated in the process with his wife, and has seen her create life. He said he will recognize Christ's creative powers when the time comes.

He said he has never personally witnessed Christ leave the ninety and nine to go after the "one," but he has seen his wife do it. He has seen her leave her kids on the first day of kindergarten, even though they were also nervous, because she saw a boy who did not have his mom there and was quite upset. She went and consoled him. He said he learned a lot about Christ that day, and came to know Him a little more.

He said he never witnessed Christ in His teenage years, but had many stories of how he saw Christ in his kids during those years, and how he learned something about Christ's patience during these times too :)

And he shared many stories about how he sees Christ in all the different ward members. Because of these people, he knows Christ.

I absolutely loved both talks. Both talks had the Spirit quite strongly in them. What a touching subject also. I go through phases of knowing Christ, probably like most of you. However, at this point in my life, I think I think of Christ as more principles than person. That may sound weird, but I think it is true. For instance, if someone mentions Christ I don't necessarily think of the person, but I think of the personification of certain attributes (clearly all very good attributes). I think this is a sad development. Although over the past . . . eight years . . . I have come to know Christ a great deal, I think my relationship with Him is starting to get lessened. I still believe in Him, have a testimony of Him, and love Him, but He is becoming less of a person for me and more doctrine and personification (not intentionally). I need to remedy this. I need to start that relationship again. I pray pretty consistently, but I need to more. I read my scriptures, but could definitely do it more. But most of all, I think I need to seek the Son of God out more.

Interestingly, I was thinking about Christ the other day and how he seeks me out. I remember when I was fourteen, not very religious at all, I had a powerful spiritual experience. My father and I were watching Stigmata. The movie is about a Gospel written by Jesus Christ himself. But it is covered up by the Catholic Church and the priest who the church tries to kill, once they realize what Christ's message is, never gets to share it with others. So he tries to share it through a women, and the women, as a representation of this message of Christ coming through her, starts to get the wounds of the Stigmata (the wounds Christ suffered when on the cross). She then, at the end, shares the message that is the opening verse of Christ's gospel. Here is the quote from the Gospel, as I found it on the internet (I haven't seen the movie since then):


"The Kingdom of God is within you, not in buildings of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood and I am there. Lift the stone and you will find me."


Although I may not find the movie very uplifting now, I absolutely did then. In fact, it is the first time I really remember feeling the Spirit. The strange thing is is that I remember feeling it only one other time, other than this time, before I was baptized. That time was the time I decided I wanted to change how I lived my life . . . and about two months later I moved in with the Knowles (which was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me) and was baptized. I did not really know what the Spirit was then. In fact, when I heard her say those words, "the kingdom of God is within you" I started crying. I did not notice it, but my Dad said, "what are you crying for?" I did not know why. But I know that I felt so good. My heart burned.

I finished watching the movie with my Dad, that was about the end of it. Then I went immediately into my room. Alex was not living there at that time so I had the room to myself. I knelt down, which I never did, and prayed. It was probably the first time I had prayed in many years. My heart burned the entire time. I spoke with God with fervency and thanked Him for that feeling in my heart. I did not know what it was, but I knew it felt good, and I knew it was from him.

The point? I think God does seek us out. I don't remember being especially repentant at that point. I don't remember desiring to find out God. But even though I was not looking for God, he was looking for me. I needed that burning in the bosom that day. I need to know he existed. The movie may not have been especially inspiring (although I think aspects of it absolutely are) but it was where I was, and God came and found me. I do think the premise of the Gospel is true however. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is not the kingdom of God (hear me out!), the kingdom of God is within us, and we gather ourselves together at the Church and make it the kingdom of God. Without us there is not church, the kingdom, which is the testimony of Christ, is within our hearts and we gather together to make it present on earth. Obviously angels and resurrected beings came down or over or whatever, and ordained people to make it officially on earth, but we are the body of Christ. I think our Church would readily acknowledge that, but the fictional Catholic Church thought it would ruin them.

Although God seeks me, I need to seek Him. God will not force us, so if we are not making Him a part of our life, he will not (usually) compel us to do so. Which makes the moments we do seek Him out and find Him even more sacred and special. Following Christ has been, without question, the best choice I have ever made. Even when I am not doing so well at following Him I can still feel His love for me, and I can remember the sweet feelings of peace that I have felt when I have been especially close to Him.

On a side note, I thought a lot about the ninety and nine today while at church during Brother Engel's talk. When Christ goes after that "one" he does not leave the ninety and nine in danger, they are in a safe place, and he leaves them only to help others come and enjoy that safety and belonging with them. There is safety in His fold. There is peace there. And remember, not as the world giveth, but another kind of peace altogether.

It snowed last night and we had record colds today. We were all ready for Church and walking outside when Mikelle said her stomach hurt and the car seemed stuck in the snow. We were also running late. I thought that we may stay home today. But then I gave the gas another go and it budged and we arrived safely at Church. How many times does the car not budge, and I stay at home from a place that the Spirit resides at, like how it was in our sacrament meeting today at Church? I remember when sacrament was over I thought of how grateful I was that I had been there that day.

I know God lives. I feel His presence in my life often. Although my relationship with Christ is not as strong as it once was, my testimony of Him still burns bright. I know He lives. I know God and His Son live just as much as I know anything else in this life. And I mean that seriously. I know that God lives similarly to how I know that love is good. I know it similarly to how I know hunger. I have felt the sanctifying presence of God in my life, and I think when people feel that, they can never be the same again. I really love Him. I want to be more like Him.

But most importantly, I know he seeks me out, looking to bring me back into the fold with the ninety and nine if I wander.

His sacrifice is, above all, the gift we should all remember during this holiday time.



P.S. Sam said every good blog has pictures, so I will try to do my part from now on.

"Reference Points" and a "G" Rated Life

So I got a wonderful Christmas card. It was actually beautiful. This is the link:

http://www.frontiernet.net/%7Ejimdandy/specials/xmas.htm

It has a fantastic message. But this one part made me think:

Entertainment: Joy, Peace, Truth,
Light, Life, Love, Real Happiness,
Communion with God, Forgiveness, Miracles, Healing, Power,
Eternity in Paradise, Contentment, and much more!
(All "G" rated, so bring your family and friends.)

From the mention of "Eternity in Paradise" I gathered that they were talking about the benefits of the party--what would come from it. But then it said it would be "G" rated.

I don't think life in the eternal realm will be/is "G" rated. I think that things that are Rated "G" are not really praiseworthy--I think they are actually neutral. Most of the "G" rated movies I have seen have been really dumbed down. Disney movies don't advocate much, because they don't have the opposition.

Life only becomes valuable when we overcome something difficult. It is like Satan's plan vs. God's plan. We needed to have the struggle to have the glory. Without struggle, adversity and trial there is no glory. So, I find it unlikely that following God and becoming like Him would be "G" rated. I think it would actually be rated R. God sees horrible atrocities. He sees suffering, incest, abuse, murder . . . everything. That is why He is God, despite His grudgingly seeing these things, He has no desire to partake of them. To be brought high, and appreciate it, you have to be brought low. You cannot recognize how high you are without something to compare it to. If everyone is high, you think you are on ground level, because you don't have another point of reference. So we have to see horrible sadness to experience amazing happiness. If we don't, we cannot comprehend what the happiness is.

It is like uniform motion. If you are moving uniformly with something and you have no other point of reference you do not know that you are moving. That is why we get motion sickness, our body is telling us something that our eyes are not seeing. I think reference points are incredibly important. We cannot know exaltation without having a point of reference to know what we are exalted from. The very word, exalt, means to lift up. We need to know that we were at one point down. You may say that "we get our reference point when we are on the earth, in the next life it will be perfect, we wouldn't need a reference point anymore." And I would disagree. We are going to become like God . . . hopefully . . . and that is an essential element of who God is. We will probably experience even greater moments of sadness in the next life, because we are experiences even greater moments of joy. There is opposition in all things. We will feel much more joy and eternal happiness when we see a soul repent and change, but we will feel loss like we have never felt during this life when a person chooses not to repent. We will have lower lows and higher highs. Life will not be Rated G, and thank goodness for that. However, I do believe that Satan's path was rated "G," and I am glad I escaped that future.

That is why I think, overall, many rated "R" movies stir people's soul more. They bring you lower at points, so they can lift you higher up at the end. You have a point of reference that gives you perspective. If you did not see the brutality in Gladiator, and his wife and kid killed (which surely would not be there in a "G" movie) you would not be as elated when he escapes the brutality of being a gladiator and when he returns to his wife and child. You would not feel as uplifted and edified in "Schindler's List" when you see him sacrifice everything for others if you did not see what he was saving those people from. You may say that they do not have to show those things for you to be uplifted. I disagree, you need a reference point and if you do not then you are not as edified and relieved after. Life is not Rated "G," and it is great that it is not. The actions of those who are righteous are "G," but the life and world they experience is not. You can have your actions be Rated "G" and still have a reference point--there will always be wickedness that you see, even when you are exalted. In fact, when you are exalted it is likely you will experience it even more.

Reference points are crucial. There is opposition in all things. To really "know" true happiness you must "know" pain and sorrow. To experience true elation in the soul that repents, you have to feel true despair from seeing a soul go astray.

And hopefully by seeing these atrocities, and by choosing a different path, we get to a point where our actions can be "G" in a Rated "NC-17" world.

But the original Christmas party invite was not trying to elaborate on reference points, or the nature of eternity (it kind of was). It was just trying to warm our hearts and give us perspective, which it absolutely did.

Faith . . . Marrying a Mormon . . . White Shirts/White

So I have had extremely faith promoting experiences lately. I want to preface with this because the latter half of my post is somewhat heretical.

I really enjoy following Christ. Honestly, there is so much depth that faith can add to your life. It can add so much more to how you love, how you forgive . . . all those things. The biggest thing that it adds to is probably family relationships. It transforms how people think of each other. I was talking to my Mom the other day and telling her that I could not marry a non-mormon. If Kylee ever passed away I would absolutely end up marrying a latter day saint. It is not because I think of Latter Day Saints as better, however. It is really because I don't think I could have as close of a relationship with a person who is not a member of my faith as I could with a person who is. To me, my faith is the most important thing to me. Also, I want to marry someone who believes that there is a prophet on earth today, and wants to follow him. If my wife was like, "listen, I am just not going to move to Missouri just because your prophet said we should" that would be incredibly hard for me. Also, if times become tough and I wanted to pay tithing instead of one of our bills, and she did not, that would not work in my mind. I would not be able to be as close to a spouse if they did not share my faith. If I could not come home from a fireside and tell them how my heart burned when the Spirit confirmed to me again that Joseph Smith is a prophet there would be a divide between us. Anyway, I just thought about that when I thought about how it adds to family relationships. Again, mormon women aren't necessarily better than non-mormon women, I just would get more out of my relationship with Mormon women.

But, now for the heretical. I don't think the color white has much meaning, at all. We always hear that we wear white to symbolize purity. I agree that we do. However, I don't think the color white actually makes a difference in anyone's life. I don't think it spurs anyone to righteousness. I think people would be just as righteous, overall, if our baptismal jump suit was black as if it was white. Same for garments, dress shirts for passing sacraments, etc. I can actually understand it for missionary clothes however. I think missionaries should not wear anything that distracts people from the message and makes them think about their clothing. I think uniformity for missionary attire is a very good thing. However, I think it almost does more bad than good to have white shirts. I think that it helps none (maybe for a few it does) and it distracts and causes many to judge. So overall I think it is net-negative, not net-positive.

I only wear white shirts. I only wear white garments (obviously), but I don't think the white REALLY does anything for me. I think that if they were red I would hold them just as sacredly (and I believe I do treat them sacredly). To me, this is one thing that is very traditional. Isaiah and other old prophets spoke of being sinless as being white like wool and snow and then people thought, yeah, let's have this be doctrine now. Although, again, there is almost nothing intrinsically spiritual about it. A white shirt is not innately better than a red shirt. I think they are both neutral.

But, I shouldn't be the one commenting on this, because I don't really think I believe too heavily in the "you show your reverance to God by how you dress" mentality. I do to some extent, but again, I don't think that anyone is any more righteous as a result of dressing up. I don't think there is correlation or causation. I think it is almost neutral. I think if we all started wearing regular clothes to church things would stay the same (although we now have the dress clothes being more righteous ingrained in us, so I think we really can't separate the two). I think I only feel better about myself when I wear a suit to church (and I do every Sunday) because we are told to culturally. I think if we escaped that I would be able to worship God just the same in regular clothes. In fact, I worship God at many times during the week, and I feel the Spirit quite strongly, and I happen to be in regular clothes. There does not seem to be much correlation with how I dress and how much I feel God's presence.

Anyway, I do have strong faith and testimony of God and Jesus Christ. I love this latter day restoration, and all of its attendant blessings. I mostly love hearing a prophet's voice, and knowing that they speak for God, and guide me to a path that will give me happiness. I especially love that Jesus Christ stood in the stead of my sins, suffered for them, and made it so I could overcome my numerous follies and sins. The atoning power of Christ, once felt, leaves a person forever changed. I am grateful for that power in my life. I am grateful for all these blessings.

Sin

So, what is sin. My friend had an interesting post the other day about how Nephi both lied to Zoram and killed Laban.

It seemed to me like the crux of the issue that he was getting to was: what is sin?

I find this question intriguing. I will give my answer.

For a person to commit sin they must do at least these four things, if I think about more I will add to this list later.

1. Do something that God does not want them to do.
2. Know that God does not want them to do it.
3. Desire to do the forbidden thing
4. Voluntarily choose to commit the act.
5. Commit the act (thoughts alone are tricky. Is it a sin if they are dwelled on, or is it automatically a sin. Remember, we have been told repeatedly that homosexuals are not sinning when they have a homosexual thought enter their mind. When does it become sin though? Jesus said when we lust over a woman we commit sin. There has to be some moment when it crosses the line. Maybe it is when we choose to think about it more, after it entered. This would go along with #4).

So those are my five things that a person must do to commit sin. I think if you do not meet all of these prongs you have not committed sin.

What do you think?

Grade Curves

I hate them.

I think they really only help employers and the few people who are the top of the curve.

A big reason is because they don't mean much (this has already been much discussed, I acknowledge). I have done better than many people, in many classes, who were more gifted than me. I think it has a lot to do with effort.

But a bigger reason that I don't like them is because it makes everyone do more than is necessary. We are all studying for finals at our law school. We should not know these subjects as well as we are learning them, there are more important things we could be doing. But, because we are all graded against each other we all feel the need to learn the material more than we ever should. Each person is trying to get even the tiniest, incremental advantage compared to his classmate. It is somewhat ridiculous.

It does, however, benefit the employers. They know who the people are who are willing to work all day and night; these are the same people who will be living at the law school. While being at the top of the curve does not mean that you are necessarily more intelligent than someone else, it does say who is willing to put in ungodly hours. The employers need to know this. Also, employers don't have much to go on. A one hour interview doesn't really tell you much about an employee. A grade from a curve gives the employer that much more to go off. Despite some people's opinions that they are incredible interviewers, there is only so much you can learn about a person.

So I am not a fan of the curve. Even if I did incredible and was in the top 10% of the class I would still say that it made us all work way too hard. We all just want to go home. I wish we could all make a pact to leave school before 9pm, but then one of us would decide to get the advantage over their classmate and stay later, then we are all back to the grind, all day and all night.

I want to be my own boss. I don't want to ever have to burn the midnight oil like this again.

I just want to hang out with my family.

How I Suck

Yesterday was Kylee's birthday. Kylee is amazing. She deserves all the good she gets. She also was raised in a very different family than I was.

I decided that I would leave school early on Tuesday and go out and get Kylee a present. I went to GAP and got her a sweater and a shirt. The shirt was a steal, it was on the clearance rack, but it was really cute. The sweater was just great, but way too expensive. I decided that although it goes against everything I stand for to spend 50$ on a sweater. But then I thought, maybe it will go really far to get it because then she will know that I will do things that I don't want to do to make her happy. So I bought the sweater and shirt and brought them home. I gave her the presents Tuesday night because I don't think there is much of a point to wait until the birthday. She said she loved them. We spent the rest of the night hanging out and watching movies.

I thought I had done well. I even fulfilled her mom's wishes to have me put toilet paper all over where she was sleeping so she would see it when she woke up (her mom's tradition). I had told her the day before that I had a ton of things to do that day and that was why I came home early the day before.

I don't think she liked this approach very much. I swing and strike out frequently. I think one of the most depressing things in life is when you give your best and it is not good enough. Some people say that it is comforting when they know they did their best. I don't subscribe to that mentality. To me that is the most depressing thing there is; I don't ever want to be just "not good enough."

The biggest part of the problem is that we have been raised with such different approaches to things. In my family it isn't even really noticed if we forget to say Happy Birthday. To the contrary, in her family only a parade will suffice when it is someone's birthday. I don't think either approach is necessarily wrong. It is just hard for me to make myself care about something I don't care about. I guess it is caring about something that matters to me, I do care a great deal about her, and if it makes her happy . . . but the difficulty remains.

I need to just really ask myself what it is she wants me to do. I do this, but I need to do it more. I did go home early and got her a present the day before her birthday. I have to study for finals, however. So because I did it that day I told her I couldn't do it on her birthday. Clearly, this did not fly. My logic is definitely not her logic. I need to ensure I see what she wants, not what I think is right or sufficient.

Anyway, I hate not being sufficient. I would rather think I lacked effort and that I was capable but lazy than think that I just didn't have the capability. I can see both viewpoints, but I hate knowing I have limitations.

Can Testimony Exist While Opposing Prop. 8

I have been reading a discussion board on www.deseretnews.com and I find the conversation worthy of some thought.

Some are saying they have a testimony, yet the First Presidency is advocating something that is wrong. Perhaps more importantly, they are doing it in the name of the faith.

Others are saying these positions are incompatible. What do you think? Can a person have a testimony of the faith and believe the First Presidency is going astray in this aspect?

More to the point, can the First Presidency advocate things that are wrong (as some believe), in the name of the faith, and still be God's mouthpiece on earth, as they are believed to be?

Can a person maintain faith in the First Presidency and believe that they are advocating something God is against? If you really believe that it is wrong to ban same-sex marriage, and that God is against it, can you really believe that the Prophets and Apostles are speaking for God?

Barack Obama's Acceptance Speech

I was greatly moved . . .

He is an incredible orator. If that was all he was he would still be laudable. But I think Barack Obama is more than that. I think, in many ways, Barack Obama embodies all that we have and do hope for as a nation. He is hope! I say this as someone who did not vote for him, but some things must be conceded. It is my humble opinion that Obama is a great man.

Now, there is a part where things get tricky. Barack Obama and I disagree on a good amount of issues. I think he has the best intentions, we must think this of almost all people I believe. The political commercials by both Barack Obama and John McCain really irked me. Many of them said something to this effect, "McCain (or) Obama is advocating ______, therefore he does not care about you, or working class families." That was so clearly, on both sides, bad politics and humanity. It is a tragedy when we take a position that someone holds and extrapolate that to mean things it doesn't necessarily mean. I believe, however, that overall Barack Obama has good intentions, he wishes the best for the country, and he is committed to making the United States of America better. So how do I navigate the next four (probably eight) years?

Here is an excerpt from Barack Obama's acceptance speech:

"I will listen to you, especially when we disagree."

I think he encapsulated one of the most important principles that can be espoused. We do not need to agree on everything. In fact, we can adamantly disagree with others. To bring it even further, it can be beneficial for there to be strong disagreements. What matters is our response to them. What do we do with these disagreements? Do we not listen as they are uttered, all the while formulating in our minds our response? Do we try to concede as little as possible to ensure that our argument still sounds the strongest? What do we do?

I am not sure about the best general approach. But I know what I do, I consider the viewpoints in the most favorable light that I possibly can. I look to accept them. I try to see their validity. But, after I do this (giving it the best chance it can get), I then compare it to the things I value most. After using both methods I then decide what is right. But, all the while, the most important principal is to listen.

This is where Barack Obama has it right, he is willing to listen. Nothing carries more weight than giving another's opinion validity. Henry Eyring once related this experience:

A professor of mine, Ray Bauer, years ago corrected me when I put the label of "irrational" on someone's behavior. He said: "Hal, you'll understand people better if you assume that people's behavior is rational, at least from their point of view. Try to see what they see."


Personally, I have been experiencing a lot of bigotry over my opinions lately. These opinions happen to be religious. I had one classmate tell me that despite the fact that he thinks I am intelligent and a good person, he does not think I should be able to vote. Mostly because my viewpoints are religious. This deeply concerned me.

How great would it be if we considered all viewpoints as rational. How much more unity would we have? How much less contention would exist? What a world it would be.

We could have disagreements without animosity. We would have less war.

Obama is a beacon of hope. He represents our continuing climb out of the dark recesses of racism, inequality and bigotry. He represents liberty, freedom and hope. Maybe even more important, Barack Obama gives hope to countless young people. Seemingly insurmountable obstacles of poverty, racial divides and entrenched mindsets can be overcome.

I disagree with Obama, but loved this quotation he repeated:

As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, “We are not enemies, but friends…though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection.”

Nothing is more powerful than hope and unity. While I disagree with Barack Obama on many things, I am filled with hope this day.

Submission v. Resistance

Which one seems more powerful? I asked this question to someone and he said he didn't know, "it would depend on how we are defining powerful." I think that is a valid point.

But I think both can be amazing tools. Submission can be very powerful when it comes to humility, our relationship to God, and ensuring the longevity of relationships. Resistance can be extremely powerful when we are speaking about doing things that are wrong, overcoming corrupt government, and resisting selfish desires. Both resistance and submission can have amazing consequences.

I am not sure which one I think is more powerful. I think they can both be amazing tools of change.

EDIT:

To add further, I am thinking about these things on a very personal level. I have the natural tendency of resistance. I always want to "stick it to the man" as Jack Black once said. I think I get this tendency from my father. He was quite the conspiracy theorist, and it rubbed off on me. So my gut reaction is resistance.

But the gospel of Christ calls for so much more. It asks us to submit, to submit wholly. This is one of my favorite addresses about submission, and about the Gospel of Christ in general:

http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-266-15,00.html

To me, submission is most powerful. I guess the question, in large part, really depends on what you struggle with most. If someone is quite timid and does not speak up for themselves enough I would guess that resistance would seem quite powerful to them. To me, submission is a holy quest.

This quest requires that I give up my will completely. That I take my will, put it on the altar, and let it be consumed. Of course, the real goal would be to make my will congruent with Christ's, but I think it requires that I first become completely open to letting my will be replaced.

I think the ultimate test in life is submission. Are we willing to acknowledge our complete dependance on God? It seems like those who find God, ultimately, are those who sincerely repent.

Followers

So I added the web widget to the right that lets people be viewed as "followers" to the blog. I think it is funny that they call it that. Especially because I post about mostly religious things, and "followers" has an interesting connotation when it comes to religious stuff. Maybe I will change it to, people who follow this blog to avoid confusion. And it may not matter much, as it seems many of the "followers" haven't noticed the part of the page or cared to become a "follower:

Anyway, I think it is a fun way to notify people which blogs you read and who reads your blogs.

Interesting Discussion

So I talked to a girl at school today about religion (this is becoming a pattern). She was telling me how she thinks God is completely void of emotion of feeling. She said she relates him to nature, which is completely beautiful and lovely at times and then horrible and destructive later. She said, overall she doesn't know if a God exists, but she said if she did have an opinion of God that would be what she envisions.

I have a much different idea about God. I think she bases her belief on God by the fact that horrible things happen to people who in no way deserve these things. She was telling me about how she had bone cancer and how unjust it was. I have a very different view of God than she does.

I find God to be completely loving and absolutely caring about us. I think that earth is, by its nature, both beautiful and destructive and all the other things that she sees. But I think acts, by themselves, are rather meaningless in life, the only things that have lasting meaning is our reaction to events.

I believe God to be incredibly loving, and although he does see us down here struggling and having an incredibly difficult time, he weeps with us. He desires to help us but maintains our personal autonomy and respects our freedom to choose. So the violence and depravity that occur on earth are rather insignificant, it is our reaction that God cares about. I think he will cure all of the damage that has been done to us that was not a result of our actions. He will buoy up those who have been brought low. But he is incredibly loving, and this is something I know.

iTunes 8's "Genius" Playlist Creator is the Best Thing to Happen to iTunes in a Long Time

I love this new feature.

If you have a song selected in your iTunes library you simply push the "Genius" button on the bottom right and iTunes will automatically create a playlist for you based on user's listening habits related to that song. So iTunes collects data on usage for creating playlists and if people usually have said selected song iTunes will group it with other songs that users frequently have also. It will also look, I believe, to see what songs usually accompany this song in people's playlists.

This is great for lazy people like me. I used to just pick a different song every couple of songs. It was the way I liked it, because I could listen to what I felt like listening to, but it took a lot of time and thought for me to decide upon a song. But this new feature is so easy I have used it literally every time I have listened to music since I downloaded it. The reason I have stuck with it so religiously is that it is "Genius." I skip through, at most, two songs each time I listen to a playlist of 25 songs. It is incredibly good at knowing what I will want to listen to by selecting one song. It makes my music listening experiences much more effecient (less time going and finding songs I want to listen to) and enjoyable.

Also, there is a "Recommendation" sidebar that offers you recommendations on songs you do not have that people who listen to that song usually do. I love this also, it has made me purchase more (smart marketing tactic) and discover songs I had forgotten about. I have often seen the song in the sidebar and thought "Holy crap, I used to listen to that song with this song all the time in 7th grade!" Or something to that effect.

The more people use this feature the better it will be. Also, the more songs you have in your library, the better the "Genius" feature will do in matching up songs you want to listen to. I have about 2400 songs and it does great with this many. The more obscure artists it struggles with, for instance, Joshua James, but overall it is great. Joshua James songs only bring up other songs by him and my music by Damien Rice and Nick Drake. The three of them are great artists, but more variety would be nice.

If you have not downloaded the recent iTunes 8 update I highly recommend it. It has made me rediscover my music in a new way. For those of you who do not have iTunes and use WMP or another program, well . . . we have bigger issues to work out.

Retributivism or Utilitarianism

So, in our criminal law class we have been talking about two different approaches to the punishment of criminals. These two approaches are retributivism and utilitarianism. I will give a definition of each, taken from lexisnexis.com, which is a legal research website.

Utilitarians consider the effect of a form of punishment in terms of both general deterrence and specific (or individual) deterrence. When the goal is general deterrence, punishment is imposed in order to dissuade the community at large to forego criminal conduct in the future. When the goal is specific deterrence, punishment is meant to deter future misconduct by an individual defendant by both preventing him from committing crimes against society during the period of his incarceration (incapacitation), and reinforcing to him the consequences of future crimes (intimidation).

That is the definition for Utilitarians in the law. I would like to add that by my reading in our text book, utilitarians don't punish unless there is utility for the punishment. The punishment must have a purpose, or use.

Retributivism – Under a retributive theory of penal law, a convicted defendant is punished simply because he deserves it. There is no exterior motive such as deterring others from crime or protecting society – here the goal is to make the defendant suffer in order to pay for his crime. Retributive theory assigns punishment on a proportional basis so that crimes that cause greater harm or are committed with a higher degree of culpability (e.g, intentional versus negligent) receive more severe punishment than lesser criminal activity.

That is the definition for Retributivism in the law. I would like to add that by my reading in our text book, retributists don't punish to reform, to deter, or to incapacitate, they simply punish because someone has done something wrong. They don't care about utility in punishment.

So my question is . . . which do you think God subscribes to? Or, in what way does God view punishment? I would guide your thoughts to ask this question, is there always utility when God punishes, does he ever punish just because somebody did something wrong?

I imagine that both points will be strongly argued. I hope that this is the case. I will add my viewpoint along the way. I have had this conversation with a couple of people and I think a lot of this discussion has to do with what you view punishment to be, so in a way it turns into semantics. That is fine with me, as long as we decide upon meanings for words. I may add more to the post when people start raising different questions/concerns.

I hope all who read my blog will post, even those who don't post very often . . . Becky, Sam, Cindy, Dan . . . anyone else. I think this questions shows us a lot about what we think about God and his laws. I would love to hear everyone's viewpoint.

Directions of Blog

I have been think a lot about my blog lately. There are three things that I really like to write about:

1. Theology (mainly stuff about my religion, because clearly that is what interests me)
2. Sports
3.  Stuff - I absolutely love  and especially my iPhone

I may start a blog on each one, but as you can tell, I am having a difficult time finding time to keep up on just this one. I was listening to a talk the other day by Elder Ballard about how we should be defending the faith more online. I was thinking I should try to do this also.

And I love to talk sports. I think about sports a lot also. I haven't decided what I am going to do yet.

If a group of people wanted to start a religious blog with me I would be completely up for that. We could have a group Mormon blog. I would love that. I would really like to get one that could also have a chat room, but I haven't become tech savvy yet to create one. Suggestions are welcome.

BYU Cougars Beat Washington Huskies 28-27

I have been reading a lot of online posts about Jake Locker's penalty because he threw the football in the air after the touchdown to presumably tie the game. The Washington Huskies were assessed a fifteen yard penalty on the extra point attempt.

I can absolutely understand why Huskies fans are upset. That play should have not got the flag as it did in an ideal world. It would be nice if the NCAA would let people play the game and not worry about if someone spikes a ball because they are happy they scored. This doesn't really augment the game too much. Yes, the NFL's players can take the celebrations too far. But this was a far cry from using the pylon to putt the football, or taking out a cell phone and calling someone. This was very tame.

But I also think some things must be said:

1. I can understand if your team returns a football the length of the field on the last play and someone gets called for an illegal block that never happened. If that play would have won you the game it would have cost you the game. It is hard to deny that. But give me a break-anyone who thinks this cost them the game must have turned the TV off right there and thought they didn't get a PAT kick. If he hits that routine chip shot they tie the game. There would be almost no discussion of this right now if he just would have hit the shot. Even more, if he would have been short that may have been a reason to say the penalty was too costly, but the kick was not short, IT GOT BLOCKED. BYU blocked the kick. I have heard about arguments about trajectory but give me a break, what percentage of kicks from that far away are blocked, 1%? If that.

2. Furthermore, BYU had the same penalty assessed right after the play. It just wasn't as costly for them. If something bad would have happened to BYU because of this play would we have reason to complain. Jake Locker broke the rules just as much as BYU did, we just didn't have it matter as much because of circumstances. The refs were calling it fair.

3. Let's say Jake Locker throws that football down instead of straight up in the air. That would have been a HUGE spike. There would be no discussion. So should the rule be that you only are penalized if you throw the ball in any direction but down? Of course not. If you use the football as part of your celebration you are penalized. Jake Locker threw the football high in the air, and he used the ball to celebrate. That is clearly illegal. If spiking the ball is illegal, clearly that is also. Did that hurt the Washington Huskies, of course it did. I think it hurt them more mentally than anything else. But again, BYU Cougars had the same penalty right after and fortunately it didn't happen to hurt them as much as it did the Washington Huskies.

If BYU had lost the game because of this I would be upset. But I would be much more upset about that blocked PAT than I would have been about the penalty. I would have wondered why our guys could not block enough on the most crucial play of the game. Should the rule be amended, I don't know. If you say they can throw the ball in the air how can you make it so they can't spike it? Direction isn't that important. The NCAA rule has to either be that you can't use the ball to celebrate at all, or you can, it can't be both ways.

On a side note, Jake Locker is an incredible runner. He missed some extremely wide open guys during the course of the game, but he can always get you a first down. The problem is that with Jake Locker you can't really rely on his arm, because it is inaccurate. If you just have him run all the time than people won't respect your team. They definitely won't respect your throw and they will focus all their attention on your runners. Jake Locker seems to suffer from the same ailments as Michael Vick and Vince Young--extremely one dimensional.

Net Benefit

I will post on this stuff later, when I have time.

Net Benefit with regards to:
God's Plan
Capitalism v. Socialism
Serving the Law v. Law Serving Us

I wanted to post it so I didn't forget the stuff I wanted to talk about.

Transition

We are settled rather nicely into Denver now. Our apartment is unpacked and we have everything set up. The only thing I have left to do is to arrange my clothes a little better. We have had a very efficient two weeks here.

I started law school orientation. All of the professors and deans were trying to scare us all week. They have been bracing us for the most intense schooling of our life. I believe it will be. Law school is probably the school that puts the most weight into class ranking; hiring is entirely dependent upon class ranking. You need people skills, but a lot of employers will only interview within the top ten percent of the class. It should be rather intense.

I have met three people in my class that are Mormons and two other guys that went to BYU. There are probably others also. It has been a strange week. It is nice to have some people who make me feel somewhat in my element. We are probably going to become really good friends. It will be nice to study with people like the guys I have met.

I was called to be the second counselor in the Elders Quorum of my new ward tonight. I am excited to serve in this capacity. I can feel a difference between the members here and in Utah. The members in Colorado are more excited about being members of the church. Also, the ward has much more of a family feel here than in Utah. You know so many people in Utah and have so many members around that nobody feels the NEED to get to know others. In Colorado people care about knowing and associating with Mormons in their ward because it is the only opportunity that they will get. I am excited to serve the people here but am thinking I won't have much free time starting next week. I will be at school from 7:45am to 7pm every night and helping with the kids when I get home. I am not going to have much free time.

Even though I will have no free time I must admit that I am feeling a deep sense of gratitude lately. Things are going ideally in life. I couldn't have planned it any better. I am getting to go to a graduate school and not having to pay for it almost. I am studying something that is interesting me a lot lately, and I have an incredible family. Maybe most importantly, I have this deep, abiding feeling that I know, and am coming to know more, who I am. I have this deep, strong feeling of faith in God and Jesus Christ. It makes life have more substance and joy. I really believe also that God speaks through men called by Him even in our day. These beliefs and this amazing knowledge makes me grateful and joyful. I am loving living in the land of my mission and am excited to see where everything leads.

Life Moving Along

We have moved to Denver! We like it a lot here so far. Right now I must say that Denver feels the most like home. Home has become rather elusive to me for the past eight years or so. It has been amazing how Kylee, Mikelle and Jonah make me feel at home. They are my home now. But for a location, Denver is it.

Do you ever feel like you are not living up to your potential? I do. I feel like that now. I have pretty much memorized my Patriarchal Blessing and even though I can't find it right now I can remember what it says. It speaks a lot about gifts I have given. I have left a lot of them under developed. Some people hear that they have gifts and they are not aware of them. That is not the case here. I know I have these gifts. I guess that sounds prideful but that isn't where this is coming from. It is a sense of remorse for not doing what I ought to do.

For example, and I didn't really want to give any, but here one is: I have the gift of a good memory. I can memorize things incredibly easily. I don't believe I have a photographic memory, but I think it approaches it. The gift is greatly magnified if it is something I am interested in. So when I was baptized and on my mission I was obsessed with the scriptures. I memorized them so easily. To the point where I can still recite scriptures that I haven't read in years. This is a gift that I have left underdeveloped in the last few years though.

I think I am making a ton of ground in some areas and no ground in others. I think I am losing ground in some other areas. Either way, I get down about it sometimes. Also, we belong to a church that doesn't do a good job of making people feel good about themselves--at least that is what I hear. I hear that we are not doing well enough. I acknowledge that this could simply just be me, but that is the impression I get. The strange thing that has occurred in my church membership is that I have been brought so low and yet so high at varying times. It makes me feel really good at times but when I feel good it is usually because of something or someone outside of myself. And probably 99% of the time when I feel bad it is because of me. Those kind of experiences don't encourage confidence. I need to figure it out.

I start law school in a couple of days. I am hoping that I stop being a slacker and develop my gifts. I know that I could memorize every case I read and the judges opinions on them without much effort, but I just have to really like it to do it and even then it is not an automatic success. I still love the scriptures but I haven't been memorizing and studying them like I should be.

We talked today about how we are like cement. When we are created we are malleable and we can be made into amazing things. But once we get to a certain point we set and we cannot be moved. Once cement has been set you must break it to change its shape. I think that is probably like us. God has given us the ability to form ourselves. Once we decide who and what we want to be there is no way he can change us without breaking us, which he won't do. So we must take special care to ensure that we are forming ourselves how we ought to and not cementing habits or mentalities that will need to be broken. How is our cement setting? I need to think more about my cement!

Post Secret

So I am taking Post Secret off of my favorite websites. The first few times I went to it I loved the idea and didn't see anything really objectionable on the site. But wow, it has been pretty raunchy as of late. I think that the good it does is FAR OUTWEIGHED by the very objectionable content that it posts at times also.

So it gets the AX from my website.

Blogs, Journals, Friends, Choices

So I have woken up early today! That doesn't happen very often with me. Even more strange is that I woke up and was not tired. I decided to do some early Sunday morning-spiritual-strengthening. It has been nice. I have listened to "Discipleship" and "Free to Choose" by Neal A. Maxwell. They are powerful addresses.

I also wrote in my journal. It is incredibly rewarding to write in it. I was thinking about the nature of both pieces of writing and I was somewhat struck at the differences and similarities.

My blog is not very intimate. I do bear my feelings and thoughts in it, I think more than the average blogger on a very public blog. But I don't go very deep, at least not as deep as my journal. In my journal I am more likely to bear my soul. I don't even let Kylee read my journal. I wouldn't be upset if I ever found out that she had, but I ask her not to, at least not in the same year that I write it. You see, I keep my journal on my computer. I write in it and add pictures to the days that I am writing about . I print it out once a year and have it spiral bound and put plastic cover sheets on the front and back. It is very inexpensive and I write in it much more because it is on my computer and I hate writing the normal, hand written way. So, anyway, I don't care if Kylee reads previous years writings, I just don't want her to read current posts. It is too intimate, and I bear too much in them, for her to write in it. In my journal I mostly write about my attempts to follow God. I write about events and similar things also, just to keep a family history, but it is mostly my peaks and valleys that I experience in the hike to find God. It clearly outlines both successes and failures.

My blog, however, is not as intimate. I write mostly about things that I am thinking about. It isn't as personal. I write a blog mostly to have discussion about things that I am thinking about. I love comments and love some good, lively debate. It is a way to network with the people that I enjoy discussing things with.

It would be fascinating to see what would happen if I made my blog as personal as my journal. I am not going to do that, but I would be fascinated to see the outcome.

On another note, we went to Dan and Cindy's house yesterday with Sam and Becky. It was fun. I think about when we were first married, and none of us had kids and we hung out then. It was so different. We are still hanging out now, but our population has doubled. Each of us have two kids, a boy and a girl (we are all lucky, I know). Life turns out in ways that we never expect. Also, it seems to get sweeter with time. I think about our group of friends and marvel that all of us have made rather good choices. I can see it in our lives. I can sense, in the times we are together, that we are blessed. The Lord has been good to all of us. I hope we can continue to make good choices.

New Blog Layout and Picture

I was getting really tired of the nasty brown blog template I was using and decided to change things up. I took a picture of me leaning against a wall and used photoshop to make it look a little different. I am going to continue messing around with it. I am trying to figure out how to get the text on the empty side of the picture but haven't spent much time messing with it yet.

I am going to try and come up with my own template and learn how to really mess around with blogger. I really want to end up just having my blog on my webpage www.matthewduff.com but I haven't figured out how to make it sweet yet. When I figure out how to mess with webpages more I am going to move it all over to that site. It should be quite the undertaking.

I am still messing with the picture of me, in a couple of weeks I am going to have it a little more fancy looking.

What do you guys think?

Some Songs that I am Liking Right Now (Lyrics)

So I think all of these songs have something in them that make me really love them. I have been listening to them all quite regularly lately. Comments on any of them would be welcomed.

Patty Griffin- "You Are Not Alone"

She sees him laying in the bed alone tonight
The only thing a touching him is a crack of light
Pieces of her hair are wrapped around and 'round his fingers
And he reaches for her side, for any sign of her that lingers

And she says you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight

One of them bullets went straight for the jugular vein
There were people running , a flash of light
Then everything changed
Nothing really matters in the end you know
All the worrys sever
Don't be afraid for me my friend, one day we all fall down forever

And you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight

The wedding date was June just like any other bride
She loved him like no one before and it was good to be alive
But sometimes that can slip away as fast
As any fingers through your hands
So you let time forgive the past and go and make some other plans

And you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight
You are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight

Jane's Addiction- "Jane Says"

Jane says
I'm done with Sergio
He treats me like a ragdoll
She hides
The television
Says I don't owe him nothing,
But if he comes back again
Tell him to wait right here for me
Or just
Try again tomorrow
I'm gonna kick tomorrow
Gonna kick tomorrow

Jane says
Have you seen my wig around?
I feel naked without it
She knows
They all want her to go
But that's O.K. man
She dont like them anyway
Jane says
She's goin away to spain
When she gets my money saved
I'm gonna start tomorrow
I'm gonna kick tomorrow
Gonna kick tomorrow

She gets mad
Starts to cry
She takes a swing but
She cant hit
She don't mean no harm
She just don't know
What else to do about it

Jane goes
To the store at 8:00
She walk up on St. Andrews
She waits
And gets her dinner there
She pulls her dinner
From her pocket
Jane says
I've never been in love
I don't know what it is
Only knows if someone wants her
I want them if they want me
I only know they want me

She gets mad
And she starts to cry
She takes a swing man
She cant hit!
She don't mean no harm
She just dont know
What else to do about it

Jane says
Jane says

Red Hot Chili Peppers- "Soul to Squeeze"

I got a bad disease,
Up from my brain is where I bleed.
In sanity it seems,
Is got me by my soul to squeeze.
Well all the love from me,
With all these dying trees I scream.
The angels in my dreams,
Have turned to demons of greed,
Thats me.

Where I go I just dont know,
I got to, got to, gotta take it slow.
When I find my piece of mind,
Im gonna give you some of my good time.

Today loves smile on me,
It took away my pain, said please
All that you ride is free,
You gotta let it be,
Oh ya.

Where I go I just dont know,
I got to, gotta, gotta take it slow.
When I find my piece of mind,
Im gonna give you some of my good time.

Youre so polite indeed,
Well I got everything I need.
Oh make my days a breeze,
And take away my self destruction.

Its bitter baby,
And its very sweet.
Im on a rollercoaster,
But Im on my feet.
Take me to the river,
Let me on your shore.
I be coming back baby,
I be coming back for more.

Doo doo doo doo dingle zing a dong bone,
Ba-di ba-da ba-zumba crunga cong gone bad,
Like an apple gift but I went out and never said my pleasures
Im much better but I wont regret it never

Where I go I just dontt know,
I got to, got to, gotta take it slow.
When I find my piece of mind,
Im gonna give you some of my good time.

Where I go I just dont know,
I might end up somewhere in mexico.
When I find my piece of mind,
Im gonna keep for the end of time!

Death Cab for Cutie- "Soul Meets Body"

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Brad Paisley- "Find Yourself"

When you find yourself
In some far off place
And it causes you to rethink some things
You start to sense that slowly
You're becoming someone else
And then you find yourself

When you make new friends in a brand new town
And you start to think about settlin' down
The things that would have been lost on you
Are now clear as a bell
And you find yourself
Yeah that's when you find yourself

Where you go through life
So sure of where you’re headin'
And you wind up lost and it's
The best thing that could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that’s when you find yourself

When you meet the one
That you've been waitin' for
And she's everything that you want and more
You look at her and you finally start to live for some one else
And then you find yourself
That’s when you find yourself

When we go through life
So sure of where we're headin'
And we wind up lost and it's
The best thing that could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that's when you find yourself

Kylee has a Family Blog

So Kylee has posted a new family blog. I was good at writing about things that I think about, but I wasn't very good at giving updates with the family. So Kylee took over responsibility for that. This is the address:

www.duffupdate.blogspot.com

Enjoy!

Cell Phone Costs

Cell phones are starting to make me very upset. I love how useful they are, and I love all the things that they can do, but I am tired of paying for them.

I sat down today and figured out that I spend about 1500 dollars a year on cell phones. That is a staggering amount of money. Now that is also with two phones for 1400 minutes a month. We never go over our minutes, in fact, we have quite a few rollover minutes that have added up. They are amazingly convenient also. For instance, we have an old car that tends to not work rather frequently. When that happens, and it has happened in extremely remote areas before, we just call someone and have them pick us up. If we didn't have a cell phone we would be trying to flag down strangers that are driving by-not an appealing option, especially with a wife and two kids.

But can I justify spending 1500 dollars a year on phones? It seems like it is hard to do. I have an iPhone. It brings that cost of the phone up 20$ a month to have the internet and 200 text messages and all the other nice stuff. It is an incredibly convenient device. Sam and I went to Denver last month and it was very nice to pull out the phone and get directions to wherever we were going.

This is more venting than anything. It just seems like 1500 dollars is way too much for a phone for one year. Let's say our plan was half as many minutes and half as much money, would it be worth it even then? We don't have a house phone, so we do save about 35$ a month there. Life is just incredibly expensive. I wish we didn't feel that cell phones are a necessity now.

Which brings up another point. I receive about 15 emails a day during the school year. Those are the emails that I have to respond to where someone is asking me a question or doing something similar. It makes life incredibly convenient to have a phone that lets me answer them from the spot. Does my phone actually make me money? I am starting law school soon, do you think that it will become more and more useful as time goes on? I think it may.

Computers

I really want a nice, new computer. I have been making digital copies of my movies lately and it takes me about an hour and fifty minutes to get a movie onto the computer. I used a computer at work yesterday and it took about forty five minutes. That kind of speed is hard to ignore. I really want the new iMac. Those are incredible computers. They are sleek, they are an all-in-one so the whole computer is in the screen, and they are FAST compared to my little Macbook.

Also, when I am at school I take the computer, which makes it hard for Kylee. We shall see! I really want one, but will have to weigh out the pros and cons.

Rated R Movies

Wow, I haven't written for a long time! I have been a slacker lately. I would say that I have been really busy, and I have, but that isn't a good reason. I found time to do other stuff, like watch tv, so clearly I had some time during the recent month. I just didn't post anything, I am not sure why?

Kylee and I had a discussion about Rated R movies today. About whether or not it is alright to watch them. I am torn right now. I am probably leaning on the side of watching some of them but I am not willing to jump ship right now and take the plunge. I tend to think that whenever I am about to make a decision that can dictate my path in life I try to sleep on it before doing it. So although I am leaning towards watching them, I want to give myself some time to change my mind if I decide it isn't the right path.

I, unlike Kylee, don't think that they took the "no Rated-R" part out of the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet by accident. I have heard about how much the leadership POURS over each word whenever they publish something, so I have a hard time thinking it was accidental. So, if it wasn't accidental, why did they leave it out? I think the COMPLETE reason they took it out is so people don't rely on rating systems to govern what they watch. I think before they thought it to be a good standard, like the Word of Wisdom, that all can obey and the average person would be better off by following it. But I think they are thinking now that it would be better if they instituted a different general standard: you use the Spirit to govern what you think is appropriate. I think if they still thought ALL Rated-R movies were wrong they would absolutely not take that part out of the FTSOY pamphlet. They would have just added the Spirit part in there (which was already in there). It seems like they might acknowledge that there can be good in Rated-R movies.

I have heard the argument that clearly any Rated-R movie has something wrong in it. I don't agree with that. There are some things that are not suitable for minors. Now clearly I am not talking about things that are innately wrong, but about things that are too mature for youngsters. For instance, a ten year old probably should not be introduced to any discussions about masturbation. On the other hand, this would be a suitable discussion for an adult as long as it was not passing it off as appropriate or right or treating it in a sensational way. There are some things that young people are not mature enough to deal with. A young child should not see Schindler's List, just on account of the subject matter itself, but an adult can process the atrocities of war and not be too immature to deal with it. Again, I am not saying adults can handle subjecting themselves to evil and children can't, I am saying that there are things that younger people can not deal with because they cannot process it right yet. A child should not hear about someone getting gang-raped, but an adult can hear about that and deal with the the situation.

I think it is the overall message of a movie that is important. For instance, Titanic's message is that overwhelming love overcomes everything and anything is okay to give up in order to possess this all-encompassing love. That is a bad message, and the nudity that is in the movie has nothing to do with love, and it also shows the ridiculousness of the relationship. Their love was so immature that they couldn't even show restraint in their physical relationship. Also, is any sexual relationship worth even the chance of having a kid out of wedlock, and especially in a completely unstable relationship? I don't believe so. This movie, and others like it, have a completely irredeemable message.

But there are movies that offer a great message. A Time to Kill is one of these movies to me. It has nothing of a sexual nature that is inappropriate, it has a scene of a tragic rape and shooting, and that is the only objectionable material. It does have a description of a rape that is necessary for the movie, and this scene gives context for the theme of the movie. It had a great message. The benefit that you derive from this movie in leading you to become a better person outweighs the negative to me. And if we give movies credit for being able to lead us astray, lets also give the opposite kind of credit--they can lead us to greatness too, they can inspire and uplift. This movie does this. A movie can have bad in it but still have more good to make it worthwhile.

Another example, my parents both swore/swear. I subject myself to vulgar language at times when I am around them. Should I not participate in this relationship because of the vulgar language? I don't think so! I get far more good out of this relationship than bad. It can be the same for movies. The movies can have a message that inspires you to be better (again, acknowledge the reverse of media's power to sway people in the wrong direction) and much good can overcome a little bad.

So, like I said, I will sleep on it, probably for many nights. But I am just mulling it over. I think there are some movies that are Rated-R that offer more good than bad and can influence me to be a better person. But I am not sure, and I acknowledge that Satan moves us in degrees and can give us ten truths to make us swallow one lie. So I will put some spiritual effort into finding out what it right for me.

Seeds and the Book of Mormon

I wanted this to be a separate post from the last one.

Seeds are the strength of the Book of Mormon, whatever a person thinks about he will become. When a person reads the Book of Mormon he is forced to think about the things he is reading about. Therefore, a person reading the Book of Mormon can't help but take inventory of his life, or decide if he wants to live the kind of life the Book of Mormon espouses. Not only that, but he is forced to figure out if the man that the book preaches about, Jesus Christ, is the kind of man he would like to emulate.

So seeds are being nourished when a person reads the Book of Mormon. How could a person read Alma 5 and not ask himself some questions about how he is living his life? How can a person read about Ammon and King Lamoni and not ask himself if he would be willing to be a servant for others to help them come unto Christ? It is impossible not to--if we don't caste out the thought, and the seed, as we read.

I don't believe there is anything magical about the Book of Mormon. I don't think that its pages are laced with super natural powers that make us better as we read them, at least not for me. I just know, from personal experience, that when I read the book I am confronted with seeds that can make me better if I think about them and do something with them. To me, that is the strength of the Book of Mormon, it makes you take inventory of your life and puts incredibly good seeds in your heart.

And, at a later time, we can discuss how putting bad seeds in your heart, like watching inappropriate media can put horribly destructive seeds in your heart. But that is for a later time, I wanted to talk about a very good seed.

Seeds

I have been thinking about seeds lately. More and more I think that whatever a person really thinks about, he will become. I already knew this, and have heard many addresses about it, but I am thinking about how true it really is lately.

Whatever thought we let stay in our mind is what we will become. Pretty much, if we have any thought enter our head and we don't chase it out or dwell we become that thought. Likewise, if we have a good thought, and we don't dwell on it we will not become what that thought is.

A few instances for example: if a person has a thought to become better, to change their life, and the thought enters their head, they have a choice. Either they can make themselves think about it until they figure it out or they can have it escape their heads. For an example, let's say someone has the thought enter their head "I don't feel the Spirit when I do ______" This person has two options (maybe more, but you know what I mean). They can either think about that thought until they choose not to do that action again, or they can just brush it off. When people brush off promptings like that they are in trouble. But if they choose to do something about it, and they think about it until they realize that they need to change and commit to change, that is when they receive power to change. The seed of a thought, if nourished, can produce a mighty change.

Another example: I think this is very applicable to homosexuality. I spend a good deal of time with people that are very . . . seemingly backwoodsy. If anyone does something strange they say it is gay or something a "homo thing to do." It is rather ridiculous. But I think if a kid is growing up and he may be a little more feminine than others (or what we consider to be feminine) he is labeled as gay. I think this does damage because he will have people continually telling him that he is gay, thereby reinforcing a question that has possibly popped into his mind at many times. So, somewhat unknowingly, the boy or girl could have his or her peers reinforcing, and nourishing, a seed that they are trying to caste out of their life. The more we are told or think something the more we become that thing. It is the same if we call someone stupid all the time, we are actually nourishing a very devastating seed for someone else. I think many people believe themselves to be gay because they have been told that all their life, and they didn't just caste out that seed whenever someone says it to them. Or someone thinks they are stupid for similar reasons. Maybe their ability to reason around what people are saying didn't last long enough. Maybe they couldn't convince themselves with a good argument that they are not stupid, or gay (not that they are related) and so they just begin to believe it.

It also works the other way though. There are very good seeds to, as Alma 32 demonstrates. Their can be seeds of faith the develop into incredible faith and maybe even testimony. There is also seeds of encouragement. A mother telling her small child that he can accomplish anything will be her nourishing a seed that one day may grow inside him. It will be hard for a child to get out of his head what he hears continually. And, whatever we think in our hearts is what we will truly become. Someone cannot become great if they always are thinking they are mediocre. Likewise, someone cannot become truly wrong if they always immediately caste out any thought that would bring them down that path. It is impossible. You have to think of something to become that thing.

Pretty much, whatever you think about, you will become that thing. Our mind is incredibly powerful.

Laws of the Land

I haven't been writing very often lately. I apologize. It makes me feel bad when I see I had thirty hits in one day but nobody had a new post to read.

I don't want to forget about what I want to write about, but I also don't have the time to post it right now. So I am going to just start this thread and then come back and write it later.

The thread is going to be about obeying the laws of the land. As you would probably guess, I am not always in favor. I will explain myself though, lest you believe me to be a heretic (I am not, don't worry :)

Alright, so here is the blog:

I just don't think laws are to always be obeyed. I think they are to serve people, not the other way around.

Before people start quoting the Articles of Faith, which I agree with, I want to bring their attention to a few examples. It is clearly the belief of our people that the American Revolution was inspired by God. We broke the law and rebelled against the government of the time.

Also, there are times when people have broken the law in scripture also. Alma the Elder's people broke the laws of their captors when they were in servitude. The law was that they could not pray. So they just prayed in their hearts and not out loud--still breaking the law.

Another example can be the early polygamous leaders. They fled persecution from polygamy during the early days to avoid prosecution and persecution for something they did not believe to be wrong.

So we do believe in obeying the law, insomuch as the law does not go against anything we believe in. If it goes against something we believe in, like prayer, we do not obey.

I had this conversation at work the other day. One of my coworkers was saying that if you are required by your country to commit crimes you are not held accountable to God for those actions. I disagreed. In his example he said that if our government made a law that made it so we had to kill a certain group of people we would not be held accountable if we were part of their ranks and committed the crimes also. I adamantly disagreed. I think we would absolutely be held accountable.

The only purpose of the law is to create safety and order--that is it. I highly value these commodities that the law provide us. In fact, I obey the law in the vast majority of instances just to keep order and safety. But there are times that I do not obey the law. For instance, in Provo, Utah there is an overpass at the mouth of the Provo Canyon. I am always taking a left underneath that overpass. There is a light there that directs the traffic. If you are wanting to take a left to go West and the light is red and there are no cars you are required by law to wait it out. I just can't do that. If I am the first car there, and I KNOW that there are no cars coming and it would be IMPOSSIBLE for a car wreck to happen, I go. Kylee does not appreciate this. But I want the law to serve me, not the other way around.

I do believe in the article of faith. I believe that we are to obey the law, and I do, but there are some things that are ridiculous. I think the danger can be if we become presumptuous and think that we know situations that we really don't we can danger many people. I would have to be incredibly confidant that no cars could hit me, or I couldn't cause others to get hit, by running a light. It is a sticky subject, because we don't want to be run by the law but we also have to acknowledge that the law can help us with situations that we don't know much about. So I break the law very infrequently.

Pictures and Mother's Day and Another New Ward

So I can't post any pictures, it isn't letting me. It is incredibly annoying.

Also, holidays are strange for me. By and large, holidays were just another day at my house growing up. Christmas and our birthday were special, more special than normal days, but other holidays were not an ordeal at all. Kylee had an entirely different experience growing up and holidays are huge for her. It requires a conscious effort on my part to satisfy her need for a good holiday, because I don't really care about them at all.

I am thinking about getting a Canon Rebel XTI today. I am rather excited about it. I want to be able to take incredible pictures, and I think the Rebel can do just that. My mom has one and I loved using it. Hopefully it is worth the 689$ I am going to be spending for it and two lenses. We shall see.

We are in a new ward again. I like it. It is a married ward at BYU--our last one! I have really liked being in these wards, and I think for summer it will be great, but I am SO EXCITED to go to church outside of Utah. It is going to be great. Makayla had a post on her blog about going to church in London and it reminded me of how much I like authentic testimonies when people are not trying to portray an image (as much). It should be a great time. Also, that will be the end, hopefully, or transition wards. We will possibly be in our next ward for three years, so I won't have the feeling that we are just visitors there.

Death

There are many things I could write about, I haven't written in a very long time. I could write about how I graduated, how I love Spring and Summer and despise Winter, or many other things. But something else is on my mind.

This post is going to be rather personal, so bear with me and if you aren't interested in knowing my personal thoughts, don't continue reading.

I was writing in my journal tonight and there is a media browser on Macs that lets you drag and drop your photos into word processing documents. I saw a picture of my Dad in the media browser. It was a picture of him and my Mom dancing at my wedding reception. I haven't really looked at pictures of my Dad very often since he passed away in December because it always makes me cry. I can't explain it. It isn't just his passing or missing him that makes me do it. There is something else. When I look at pictures of my Father it just leaves me with so many questions.

After I saw this one picture of my Father I started looking for others. I saw a picture of my Dad holding my brother and me on his lap when I was about 7 and Alex was about 9. We are all smiling quite large. I imagine my Dad enjoyed that picture of his two boys. He probably would look at that picture with pride when it was developed. He probably imagined a time when we would be older, when he would be older, and how much he would enjoy those times. It is just interesting to think about. There was another picture of our family when Alex and me were both younger than probably six. I wonder what dreams my parents had, what they imagined life would turn out like? I wonder if they had any inclinations that Dad would pass away before he turned 60?

I just have such strange feelings about death. Before my Father passed away I would have readily said that death isn't a big deal, it is just moving on from one existence to another. I still believe that, I know that is the case. But there is a feeling in my that just makes me feel something more about it. There are feelings of hope, loneliness, joy, sadness--they run the gambit of emotions. I realize when I think about death how much more I need to learn. How much more wisdom I need to gather in life before I really understand this existence.

I think my Dad is around. He knows what is happening. I think he is where he would be most comfortable right now, wherever that may be. I also believe that I will see him again. And notwithstanding all these feelings there is still another feeling I can't quite put my finger on. The separation is strange. I can't put it into words.

All these thoughts just make me have one conclusion though--you just have to live the best you can. You must improve on life. That is all that matters, how much you touched the lives of others for good. I just want to be the best me I can be. That sounded like a bad Army commercial, but it is really what I think. I really hope I can give Kylee the husband and best friend that she deserves, I hope that I can give Mikelle and Jonah the best father they can get. I want to be incredibly close with them. I just want to help. I can do so much more to accomplish this.

Sorry, this was a random post. I really wrote this for me rather than for the readers. Get out of it, or disregard, what you will.

I will try to post a little more frequently now. I would be lying to say I didn't have the time recently, I just have done other things instead. But I have realized how therapeutic writing is.