Death

There are many things I could write about, I haven't written in a very long time. I could write about how I graduated, how I love Spring and Summer and despise Winter, or many other things. But something else is on my mind.

This post is going to be rather personal, so bear with me and if you aren't interested in knowing my personal thoughts, don't continue reading.

I was writing in my journal tonight and there is a media browser on Macs that lets you drag and drop your photos into word processing documents. I saw a picture of my Dad in the media browser. It was a picture of him and my Mom dancing at my wedding reception. I haven't really looked at pictures of my Dad very often since he passed away in December because it always makes me cry. I can't explain it. It isn't just his passing or missing him that makes me do it. There is something else. When I look at pictures of my Father it just leaves me with so many questions.

After I saw this one picture of my Father I started looking for others. I saw a picture of my Dad holding my brother and me on his lap when I was about 7 and Alex was about 9. We are all smiling quite large. I imagine my Dad enjoyed that picture of his two boys. He probably would look at that picture with pride when it was developed. He probably imagined a time when we would be older, when he would be older, and how much he would enjoy those times. It is just interesting to think about. There was another picture of our family when Alex and me were both younger than probably six. I wonder what dreams my parents had, what they imagined life would turn out like? I wonder if they had any inclinations that Dad would pass away before he turned 60?

I just have such strange feelings about death. Before my Father passed away I would have readily said that death isn't a big deal, it is just moving on from one existence to another. I still believe that, I know that is the case. But there is a feeling in my that just makes me feel something more about it. There are feelings of hope, loneliness, joy, sadness--they run the gambit of emotions. I realize when I think about death how much more I need to learn. How much more wisdom I need to gather in life before I really understand this existence.

I think my Dad is around. He knows what is happening. I think he is where he would be most comfortable right now, wherever that may be. I also believe that I will see him again. And notwithstanding all these feelings there is still another feeling I can't quite put my finger on. The separation is strange. I can't put it into words.

All these thoughts just make me have one conclusion though--you just have to live the best you can. You must improve on life. That is all that matters, how much you touched the lives of others for good. I just want to be the best me I can be. That sounded like a bad Army commercial, but it is really what I think. I really hope I can give Kylee the husband and best friend that she deserves, I hope that I can give Mikelle and Jonah the best father they can get. I want to be incredibly close with them. I just want to help. I can do so much more to accomplish this.

Sorry, this was a random post. I really wrote this for me rather than for the readers. Get out of it, or disregard, what you will.

I will try to post a little more frequently now. I would be lying to say I didn't have the time recently, I just have done other things instead. But I have realized how therapeutic writing is.