Yesterday was Kylee's birthday. Kylee is amazing. She deserves all the good she gets. She also was raised in a very different family than I was.
I decided that I would leave school early on Tuesday and go out and get Kylee a present. I went to GAP and got her a sweater and a shirt. The shirt was a steal, it was on the clearance rack, but it was really cute. The sweater was just great, but way too expensive. I decided that although it goes against everything I stand for to spend 50$ on a sweater. But then I thought, maybe it will go really far to get it because then she will know that I will do things that I don't want to do to make her happy. So I bought the sweater and shirt and brought them home. I gave her the presents Tuesday night because I don't think there is much of a point to wait until the birthday. She said she loved them. We spent the rest of the night hanging out and watching movies.
I thought I had done well. I even fulfilled her mom's wishes to have me put toilet paper all over where she was sleeping so she would see it when she woke up (her mom's tradition). I had told her the day before that I had a ton of things to do that day and that was why I came home early the day before.
I don't think she liked this approach very much. I swing and strike out frequently. I think one of the most depressing things in life is when you give your best and it is not good enough. Some people say that it is comforting when they know they did their best. I don't subscribe to that mentality. To me that is the most depressing thing there is; I don't ever want to be just "not good enough."
The biggest part of the problem is that we have been raised with such different approaches to things. In my family it isn't even really noticed if we forget to say Happy Birthday. To the contrary, in her family only a parade will suffice when it is someone's birthday. I don't think either approach is necessarily wrong. It is just hard for me to make myself care about something I don't care about. I guess it is caring about something that matters to me, I do care a great deal about her, and if it makes her happy . . . but the difficulty remains.
I need to just really ask myself what it is she wants me to do. I do this, but I need to do it more. I did go home early and got her a present the day before her birthday. I have to study for finals, however. So because I did it that day I told her I couldn't do it on her birthday. Clearly, this did not fly. My logic is definitely not her logic. I need to ensure I see what she wants, not what I think is right or sufficient.
Anyway, I hate not being sufficient. I would rather think I lacked effort and that I was capable but lazy than think that I just didn't have the capability. I can see both viewpoints, but I hate knowing I have limitations.
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3 comments:
Traditions and holidays are a really hard thing to mesh when you start a family. There is always a vibe there for those of us who celebrated everything and whether we acknowledge it or not, we "need" something special to occur on the day or we feel like something is amiss. I have noticed this in my own life. Even when I consciously make the decision to not celebrate a certain day, the day feels wrong because I didn't celebrate it. We women are frustrating because we want the men to be happy so we tell them to do what they want, but we expect them to think about what we want and do that instead, by their own free choice. :) We are awesome!!! :) I guess that's why all the marriage and family discussions in our Sunday class always say "If you are always thinking about the other, you can't go wrong" but, it's much easier said than done.....especially when you feel like you are putting your own values at stake.
You don't suck; you're learning. And she probably is too. And that's a good thing. :)
I think you and Michael, Kylee and I have similar ways of thinking. haha :)
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