Another Quick Post: Grapevine Fires

So I have been listening to this song lately and really love it, if you want to listen to it paste this in the address bar and click on "play" next to the second hit:

http://sadsteve.com/search.py?q=grapevine+fires

Here are the lyrics to Death Cab for Cutie "Grapevine Fires"

When the wind picked up
The fire spread
And the grapevine seemed left for dead
And the northern sky, looked like the end of day,
The end of days.

A wake up call to a rented room
Sounded like an alarm of impending doom.
To warn us it's only a matter of time.
Before we all burn
Before we all burn
Before we all burn
Before we all burn

We bought some wine and some papercups
Neared your daughter's school
and we picked her up
And drove to the cemetary on a hill, on a hill.

And we watched the plumes paint the sky gray
As she laughed and danced through the field of graves
And there I knew it would be alright
That everything would be alright,
Would be alright
Would be alright
Would be alright.

And the news reports on the radio
Said it was getting worse
As the ocean air fanned the flames.
But I couldn't think there
was anywhere I would have
rather been
To watch it all burn away.
To burn away.

The firemen worked in double shifts,
With prayers of rain on their lips
And they knew it was only a matter of time.

State of the Matt Address

I was looking for anniversary cards the other day. Kylee and I had our 4th anniversary. We have been married a very, very long time. I like to give cards to Kylee, I think she is actually the only person I ever get cards for. I like her a lot, so it makes sense.

I was reading the cards and almost every card had something to the effect of:

"we have seen the good and bad times . . . "

I was thinking, yeah we have. Then I thought about it some more and realized I can't really say that is the case. Kylee and I have never really experienced the bad times. We have been in arguments, we have been mad at each other. But I would never classify those few occasions as "bad times." I wouldn't even say we have had any real big trials in our four year marriage (knock on wood - I am not asking for any).

I began to think about just the last eight years in general, since I was baptized. It has been great. Here are some things I want to bring special attention to:

1. Spirituality - this one is weird for me to talk about overall, because you guys do not live in my head - it probably wouldn't be that interesting. However, I think things are going really well.
2. Females - Well, one actually. I met Kylee and things are going great. I would say I have what I would consider an ideal marriage. Yes, it could improve, but I absolutely love it, and I think this is what marriage is supposed to be like.
3. Family - things are going overall well in this category also. Kylee and I have two superb children, we have lots of fun together and we love our extended family a great deal.
4. Education - this is one aspect of my life where I just step back and say "Am I really doing/accomplishing this?" I was an absolutely horrible high school student, and I am 2.5 years from graduating with a doctorate! That is crazy to me. Also, things went amazingly well. I got a total of 70,000/90,000 dollars that my grad school is paid for in scholarship money. Again, amazing. I hope I do well enough this year to keep the scholarship, but even if I don't, we have been incredibly blessed. The Lord helped me a great deal, I believe, to get a good LSAT score. It was something that when I look back at that time I can say I gave maximum effort and did my part for the Lord to bless me. And bless me he did - I got a good LSAT score in large part from the blessings of the Lord. I am truly grateful for his help in this section of my life, however, I often think that this aspect he helps me at too much, making me think that it won't be for me as much as this aspect will help others some day, in some way.
5. Physical Strength - I read the August 2006 Ensign First Presidency Message by Elder Faust about fathers (maybe September). In it he says that a man's first priority it to take care of his spiritual and physical body. I was surprised at how important he deemed it to be. He lists it in front of many things. I have not been doing so good in this category. I weighed myself the other night and I am at 187.5. That is the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I actually think I may have been 1.5 pounds heavier at the end of the mission, but you get the idea. My weight fluctuates so much. It is not a mystery as to why either--when I exercise I am skinny, when I do not, I am not. I need to do better in this category. I would say my ideal weight is about 160. I was 155 when I graduated high school, but I am a little older now and don't expect that. I am going to try to make this aspect a little better. However, it must be made known that I am very grateful for the health that I enjoy. I really have no health problems, which I really must acknowledge is an amazing gift from God.
6. Friendship - this one is easy. Kylee and I have the best friends there are. When I think about the people in my life, and the people we are closest to, I just am amazed at the quality of these people's character. Special mention must be made of Sam/Becky and Dan/Cindy. We have spent by far the most amount of time with these people and we cherish each moment we have spent with them. I really only miss Utah because this is where they live (and Cafe Rio). Growing up with Sam (and coming to know Becky) and living downstairs from Dan/Cindy are things that I am grateful to God for. Nothing makes life more enjoyable than good company. There are countless other people I would consider very good friends, but these are the people we have spent the most time with and as a result feel a special bond with. The fact that we all got married and had kids around the same time only further explains our bond, I believe.

So that is just a quick run-down. I feel like I have been so blessed. When I get a card for Kylee I want it to say thanks for making my life have few down times. I wrote in the card that I bought her that I was grateful for her and glad we have not needed to go through many really hard times. I also mentioned that she is probably the reason why. However, one thing that gives me great reassurance is that if those hard times ever do come, and they inevitably will, I know she will be there with me. She makes hard times seem not as bad.

Anyway, publicly, I am just a incredibly grateful person. Not only for the reasons I mentioned, but also for food, shelter, clothing and safety. What a blessing it is to not have to worry about other nations coming in and destroying our homes and generally taking away our peace and safety. This blessing, I believe, cannot be emphasized enough. Things are going just incredibly well. I wanted you all to know that, and give a shout out to our Heavenly Father, who I think is the Author of all that is good and desirable. I hope he knows that I am grateful to Him for these things also. I would consider myself, of all things, blessed.

Potty Training and Psychology

Mikelle had not peed in her pants for about a week and a half. Even at night she was holding it. She just decided she wanted to be a "big girl" as she sees it. We were ecstatic. She would run in and tell us she had to pee or poo.

However, at Dan and Cindy's the other night Dan noticed that Mikelle had peed her pants. Ever since then she pees her underwear and then asks to go to the bathroom, alternating between being a "big girl" and not. It is strange.

I think it is something psychological. I think she did not know where she was or the bathroom situation at Dan and Cindy's house and peed her pants as a result of being in a strange situation. Now I think she has just come to feel like she has let us down or something, so she has given up.

Either way, I wonder what is in that little head. I really want her to feel absolutely comfortable and confident, and I hope that we are understanding her enough to meet her needs. I would be quite sad if I knew she felt like she had let us down, and was just giving in.

Hopefully we can figure it out.

Either way, I was dang proud of her for that week and a half. And actually still really am. She is a great kid!

She even got new undies for Christmas that she need to put on right away when she got them.

Knowing Jesus

Today we had an exceptional sacrament meeting. The Engel's spoke about coming to know the Lord.

Sister Engel shared the story about the man that comes into an office and sits down with an interviewer. The interviewer asks the man to tell him who Jesus is. The man tells him basic historical facts, and the interviewer says "but who is He?" The man then tells historical facts, but with even greater detail. Again, not the correct answer and the original question prompt is repeated. The man then says something similar again and then is invited to leave (nicely).

Another man comes in. He is asked who Jesus is. The man then gets on his knees and says "My Lord, My God!" And he recognizes that it is the Lord asking the questions. At least that is the most common interpretation. I don't think the interviewer has to be Jesus and it would still work well. Because, to one man he is a historical figure (even though they may relate parts of the story that imply He is divine) while another can just say that Jesus is their Lord and God. Either way.

I feel like the interviewer is Christ. The second interviewee recognizes that it is His Savior that he is speaking with and worships Him. Sister Engel shared the story quite nicely. She then spoke about many tender mercies that have helped her know Christ. Her talk, and testimony, were both very touching.

Then her husband, Brother Engel, spoke. He spoke about knowing Christ also. But when he spoke he had a rather unique, and quite beautiful, approach. He spoke about how he would know who Christ is when he returns because he has seen all the characteristics of Christ in different settings.

He spoke about how he did not see Christ create the heavens and the earth, but he has participated in the process with his wife, and has seen her create life. He said he will recognize Christ's creative powers when the time comes.

He said he has never personally witnessed Christ leave the ninety and nine to go after the "one," but he has seen his wife do it. He has seen her leave her kids on the first day of kindergarten, even though they were also nervous, because she saw a boy who did not have his mom there and was quite upset. She went and consoled him. He said he learned a lot about Christ that day, and came to know Him a little more.

He said he never witnessed Christ in His teenage years, but had many stories of how he saw Christ in his kids during those years, and how he learned something about Christ's patience during these times too :)

And he shared many stories about how he sees Christ in all the different ward members. Because of these people, he knows Christ.

I absolutely loved both talks. Both talks had the Spirit quite strongly in them. What a touching subject also. I go through phases of knowing Christ, probably like most of you. However, at this point in my life, I think I think of Christ as more principles than person. That may sound weird, but I think it is true. For instance, if someone mentions Christ I don't necessarily think of the person, but I think of the personification of certain attributes (clearly all very good attributes). I think this is a sad development. Although over the past . . . eight years . . . I have come to know Christ a great deal, I think my relationship with Him is starting to get lessened. I still believe in Him, have a testimony of Him, and love Him, but He is becoming less of a person for me and more doctrine and personification (not intentionally). I need to remedy this. I need to start that relationship again. I pray pretty consistently, but I need to more. I read my scriptures, but could definitely do it more. But most of all, I think I need to seek the Son of God out more.

Interestingly, I was thinking about Christ the other day and how he seeks me out. I remember when I was fourteen, not very religious at all, I had a powerful spiritual experience. My father and I were watching Stigmata. The movie is about a Gospel written by Jesus Christ himself. But it is covered up by the Catholic Church and the priest who the church tries to kill, once they realize what Christ's message is, never gets to share it with others. So he tries to share it through a women, and the women, as a representation of this message of Christ coming through her, starts to get the wounds of the Stigmata (the wounds Christ suffered when on the cross). She then, at the end, shares the message that is the opening verse of Christ's gospel. Here is the quote from the Gospel, as I found it on the internet (I haven't seen the movie since then):


"The Kingdom of God is within you, not in buildings of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood and I am there. Lift the stone and you will find me."


Although I may not find the movie very uplifting now, I absolutely did then. In fact, it is the first time I really remember feeling the Spirit. The strange thing is is that I remember feeling it only one other time, other than this time, before I was baptized. That time was the time I decided I wanted to change how I lived my life . . . and about two months later I moved in with the Knowles (which was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me) and was baptized. I did not really know what the Spirit was then. In fact, when I heard her say those words, "the kingdom of God is within you" I started crying. I did not notice it, but my Dad said, "what are you crying for?" I did not know why. But I know that I felt so good. My heart burned.

I finished watching the movie with my Dad, that was about the end of it. Then I went immediately into my room. Alex was not living there at that time so I had the room to myself. I knelt down, which I never did, and prayed. It was probably the first time I had prayed in many years. My heart burned the entire time. I spoke with God with fervency and thanked Him for that feeling in my heart. I did not know what it was, but I knew it felt good, and I knew it was from him.

The point? I think God does seek us out. I don't remember being especially repentant at that point. I don't remember desiring to find out God. But even though I was not looking for God, he was looking for me. I needed that burning in the bosom that day. I need to know he existed. The movie may not have been especially inspiring (although I think aspects of it absolutely are) but it was where I was, and God came and found me. I do think the premise of the Gospel is true however. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is not the kingdom of God (hear me out!), the kingdom of God is within us, and we gather ourselves together at the Church and make it the kingdom of God. Without us there is not church, the kingdom, which is the testimony of Christ, is within our hearts and we gather together to make it present on earth. Obviously angels and resurrected beings came down or over or whatever, and ordained people to make it officially on earth, but we are the body of Christ. I think our Church would readily acknowledge that, but the fictional Catholic Church thought it would ruin them.

Although God seeks me, I need to seek Him. God will not force us, so if we are not making Him a part of our life, he will not (usually) compel us to do so. Which makes the moments we do seek Him out and find Him even more sacred and special. Following Christ has been, without question, the best choice I have ever made. Even when I am not doing so well at following Him I can still feel His love for me, and I can remember the sweet feelings of peace that I have felt when I have been especially close to Him.

On a side note, I thought a lot about the ninety and nine today while at church during Brother Engel's talk. When Christ goes after that "one" he does not leave the ninety and nine in danger, they are in a safe place, and he leaves them only to help others come and enjoy that safety and belonging with them. There is safety in His fold. There is peace there. And remember, not as the world giveth, but another kind of peace altogether.

It snowed last night and we had record colds today. We were all ready for Church and walking outside when Mikelle said her stomach hurt and the car seemed stuck in the snow. We were also running late. I thought that we may stay home today. But then I gave the gas another go and it budged and we arrived safely at Church. How many times does the car not budge, and I stay at home from a place that the Spirit resides at, like how it was in our sacrament meeting today at Church? I remember when sacrament was over I thought of how grateful I was that I had been there that day.

I know God lives. I feel His presence in my life often. Although my relationship with Christ is not as strong as it once was, my testimony of Him still burns bright. I know He lives. I know God and His Son live just as much as I know anything else in this life. And I mean that seriously. I know that God lives similarly to how I know that love is good. I know it similarly to how I know hunger. I have felt the sanctifying presence of God in my life, and I think when people feel that, they can never be the same again. I really love Him. I want to be more like Him.

But most importantly, I know he seeks me out, looking to bring me back into the fold with the ninety and nine if I wander.

His sacrifice is, above all, the gift we should all remember during this holiday time.



P.S. Sam said every good blog has pictures, so I will try to do my part from now on.

"Reference Points" and a "G" Rated Life

So I got a wonderful Christmas card. It was actually beautiful. This is the link:

http://www.frontiernet.net/%7Ejimdandy/specials/xmas.htm

It has a fantastic message. But this one part made me think:

Entertainment: Joy, Peace, Truth,
Light, Life, Love, Real Happiness,
Communion with God, Forgiveness, Miracles, Healing, Power,
Eternity in Paradise, Contentment, and much more!
(All "G" rated, so bring your family and friends.)

From the mention of "Eternity in Paradise" I gathered that they were talking about the benefits of the party--what would come from it. But then it said it would be "G" rated.

I don't think life in the eternal realm will be/is "G" rated. I think that things that are Rated "G" are not really praiseworthy--I think they are actually neutral. Most of the "G" rated movies I have seen have been really dumbed down. Disney movies don't advocate much, because they don't have the opposition.

Life only becomes valuable when we overcome something difficult. It is like Satan's plan vs. God's plan. We needed to have the struggle to have the glory. Without struggle, adversity and trial there is no glory. So, I find it unlikely that following God and becoming like Him would be "G" rated. I think it would actually be rated R. God sees horrible atrocities. He sees suffering, incest, abuse, murder . . . everything. That is why He is God, despite His grudgingly seeing these things, He has no desire to partake of them. To be brought high, and appreciate it, you have to be brought low. You cannot recognize how high you are without something to compare it to. If everyone is high, you think you are on ground level, because you don't have another point of reference. So we have to see horrible sadness to experience amazing happiness. If we don't, we cannot comprehend what the happiness is.

It is like uniform motion. If you are moving uniformly with something and you have no other point of reference you do not know that you are moving. That is why we get motion sickness, our body is telling us something that our eyes are not seeing. I think reference points are incredibly important. We cannot know exaltation without having a point of reference to know what we are exalted from. The very word, exalt, means to lift up. We need to know that we were at one point down. You may say that "we get our reference point when we are on the earth, in the next life it will be perfect, we wouldn't need a reference point anymore." And I would disagree. We are going to become like God . . . hopefully . . . and that is an essential element of who God is. We will probably experience even greater moments of sadness in the next life, because we are experiences even greater moments of joy. There is opposition in all things. We will feel much more joy and eternal happiness when we see a soul repent and change, but we will feel loss like we have never felt during this life when a person chooses not to repent. We will have lower lows and higher highs. Life will not be Rated G, and thank goodness for that. However, I do believe that Satan's path was rated "G," and I am glad I escaped that future.

That is why I think, overall, many rated "R" movies stir people's soul more. They bring you lower at points, so they can lift you higher up at the end. You have a point of reference that gives you perspective. If you did not see the brutality in Gladiator, and his wife and kid killed (which surely would not be there in a "G" movie) you would not be as elated when he escapes the brutality of being a gladiator and when he returns to his wife and child. You would not feel as uplifted and edified in "Schindler's List" when you see him sacrifice everything for others if you did not see what he was saving those people from. You may say that they do not have to show those things for you to be uplifted. I disagree, you need a reference point and if you do not then you are not as edified and relieved after. Life is not Rated "G," and it is great that it is not. The actions of those who are righteous are "G," but the life and world they experience is not. You can have your actions be Rated "G" and still have a reference point--there will always be wickedness that you see, even when you are exalted. In fact, when you are exalted it is likely you will experience it even more.

Reference points are crucial. There is opposition in all things. To really "know" true happiness you must "know" pain and sorrow. To experience true elation in the soul that repents, you have to feel true despair from seeing a soul go astray.

And hopefully by seeing these atrocities, and by choosing a different path, we get to a point where our actions can be "G" in a Rated "NC-17" world.

But the original Christmas party invite was not trying to elaborate on reference points, or the nature of eternity (it kind of was). It was just trying to warm our hearts and give us perspective, which it absolutely did.

Faith . . . Marrying a Mormon . . . White Shirts/White

So I have had extremely faith promoting experiences lately. I want to preface with this because the latter half of my post is somewhat heretical.

I really enjoy following Christ. Honestly, there is so much depth that faith can add to your life. It can add so much more to how you love, how you forgive . . . all those things. The biggest thing that it adds to is probably family relationships. It transforms how people think of each other. I was talking to my Mom the other day and telling her that I could not marry a non-mormon. If Kylee ever passed away I would absolutely end up marrying a latter day saint. It is not because I think of Latter Day Saints as better, however. It is really because I don't think I could have as close of a relationship with a person who is not a member of my faith as I could with a person who is. To me, my faith is the most important thing to me. Also, I want to marry someone who believes that there is a prophet on earth today, and wants to follow him. If my wife was like, "listen, I am just not going to move to Missouri just because your prophet said we should" that would be incredibly hard for me. Also, if times become tough and I wanted to pay tithing instead of one of our bills, and she did not, that would not work in my mind. I would not be able to be as close to a spouse if they did not share my faith. If I could not come home from a fireside and tell them how my heart burned when the Spirit confirmed to me again that Joseph Smith is a prophet there would be a divide between us. Anyway, I just thought about that when I thought about how it adds to family relationships. Again, mormon women aren't necessarily better than non-mormon women, I just would get more out of my relationship with Mormon women.

But, now for the heretical. I don't think the color white has much meaning, at all. We always hear that we wear white to symbolize purity. I agree that we do. However, I don't think the color white actually makes a difference in anyone's life. I don't think it spurs anyone to righteousness. I think people would be just as righteous, overall, if our baptismal jump suit was black as if it was white. Same for garments, dress shirts for passing sacraments, etc. I can actually understand it for missionary clothes however. I think missionaries should not wear anything that distracts people from the message and makes them think about their clothing. I think uniformity for missionary attire is a very good thing. However, I think it almost does more bad than good to have white shirts. I think that it helps none (maybe for a few it does) and it distracts and causes many to judge. So overall I think it is net-negative, not net-positive.

I only wear white shirts. I only wear white garments (obviously), but I don't think the white REALLY does anything for me. I think that if they were red I would hold them just as sacredly (and I believe I do treat them sacredly). To me, this is one thing that is very traditional. Isaiah and other old prophets spoke of being sinless as being white like wool and snow and then people thought, yeah, let's have this be doctrine now. Although, again, there is almost nothing intrinsically spiritual about it. A white shirt is not innately better than a red shirt. I think they are both neutral.

But, I shouldn't be the one commenting on this, because I don't really think I believe too heavily in the "you show your reverance to God by how you dress" mentality. I do to some extent, but again, I don't think that anyone is any more righteous as a result of dressing up. I don't think there is correlation or causation. I think it is almost neutral. I think if we all started wearing regular clothes to church things would stay the same (although we now have the dress clothes being more righteous ingrained in us, so I think we really can't separate the two). I think I only feel better about myself when I wear a suit to church (and I do every Sunday) because we are told to culturally. I think if we escaped that I would be able to worship God just the same in regular clothes. In fact, I worship God at many times during the week, and I feel the Spirit quite strongly, and I happen to be in regular clothes. There does not seem to be much correlation with how I dress and how much I feel God's presence.

Anyway, I do have strong faith and testimony of God and Jesus Christ. I love this latter day restoration, and all of its attendant blessings. I mostly love hearing a prophet's voice, and knowing that they speak for God, and guide me to a path that will give me happiness. I especially love that Jesus Christ stood in the stead of my sins, suffered for them, and made it so I could overcome my numerous follies and sins. The atoning power of Christ, once felt, leaves a person forever changed. I am grateful for that power in my life. I am grateful for all these blessings.