We have moved to Denver! We like it a lot here so far. Right now I must say that Denver feels the most like home. Home has become rather elusive to me for the past eight years or so. It has been amazing how Kylee, Mikelle and Jonah make me feel at home. They are my home now. But for a location, Denver is it.
Do you ever feel like you are not living up to your potential? I do. I feel like that now. I have pretty much memorized my Patriarchal Blessing and even though I can't find it right now I can remember what it says. It speaks a lot about gifts I have given. I have left a lot of them under developed. Some people hear that they have gifts and they are not aware of them. That is not the case here. I know I have these gifts. I guess that sounds prideful but that isn't where this is coming from. It is a sense of remorse for not doing what I ought to do.
For example, and I didn't really want to give any, but here one is: I have the gift of a good memory. I can memorize things incredibly easily. I don't believe I have a photographic memory, but I think it approaches it. The gift is greatly magnified if it is something I am interested in. So when I was baptized and on my mission I was obsessed with the scriptures. I memorized them so easily. To the point where I can still recite scriptures that I haven't read in years. This is a gift that I have left underdeveloped in the last few years though.
I think I am making a ton of ground in some areas and no ground in others. I think I am losing ground in some other areas. Either way, I get down about it sometimes. Also, we belong to a church that doesn't do a good job of making people feel good about themselves--at least that is what I hear. I hear that we are not doing well enough. I acknowledge that this could simply just be me, but that is the impression I get. The strange thing that has occurred in my church membership is that I have been brought so low and yet so high at varying times. It makes me feel really good at times but when I feel good it is usually because of something or someone outside of myself. And probably 99% of the time when I feel bad it is because of me. Those kind of experiences don't encourage confidence. I need to figure it out.
I start law school in a couple of days. I am hoping that I stop being a slacker and develop my gifts. I know that I could memorize every case I read and the judges opinions on them without much effort, but I just have to really like it to do it and even then it is not an automatic success. I still love the scriptures but I haven't been memorizing and studying them like I should be.
We talked today about how we are like cement. When we are created we are malleable and we can be made into amazing things. But once we get to a certain point we set and we cannot be moved. Once cement has been set you must break it to change its shape. I think that is probably like us. God has given us the ability to form ourselves. Once we decide who and what we want to be there is no way he can change us without breaking us, which he won't do. So we must take special care to ensure that we are forming ourselves how we ought to and not cementing habits or mentalities that will need to be broken. How is our cement setting? I need to think more about my cement!
