The Not-So-Daily Duff

Strange Day

2009-08-24T20:09:00.000-06:00

So I am feeling so strange today. Not necessarily in a bad way, but just weird. Kylee had our THIRD baby yesterday and I just can't think of a name I want him to have. We are thinking about Camden right now but it just doesn't feel right. I don't know why.

Also, I love me new, but difficult, job at Northwestern Mutual. However, they are not giving me a few days to accomplish something that $1500 rides on despite my having had a child that was premature by a month yesterday. Strange. We'll see how that goes.

Life is just weird. I am not morbid usually at all, but I am excited for the next life when we can look back at this life and just so, "Oh yeah, that makes perfect sense now." Here's to hoping that day actually comes!

Making a New Blog

2009-05-25T02:41:00.002-06:00

So I have decided that I am going to learn HTML really well and create a new blog. My goal is to have one with subpages that I can use to post posts on. So, for instance, religion would be its own page and I would post religious blog posts there. I would have one for sports, etc.

We will see how it goes. I realized I am quite interested in graphic design/web development/blogging so I figure I will give it a go and see if I can learn how to make a great page. Also, I would love to take my blogging more seriously and really try to post regularly about stuff I care about.

Helping Others - Example of Christ

2009-04-02T09:57:00.003-06:00

I just read a blog post on this site:

http://theliberalmormon.blogspot.com/

The conclusion as to why the person became a liberal was because he heard the call of Christ to help your neighbors and love them. Interesting concept.

This is the interesting thing though, I think that any tidbit of information could back up any viewpoint. Where the rubber hits the road is in determining which viewpoints actually net the desired results.

I am a conservative (for many reasons) because I think the conservative approach makes it more likely for people to get the help they need. I think it is more effective and more food will get in the mouths of the most people.

A for instance:

I am emphatically against forced charity. I think it should be voluntary. The "goodness" or "badness" of our society is determined by the intents of our hearts and the love for our neighbor that we have. So if the government taxes us and redistributes the money we are still in the same spot that we were previously in. I don't think God will judge the world by how many mouths were fed, but by if we had a desire (and acted on it) to feed our neighbors. Forced charity is like no charity at all. I believe the words from the scriptures are that if you give a gift grudgingly it would be better if you never gave the gift at all!

I feel that if I redistribute my wealth (and I think almost all U.S. citizens have wealth!) it should go to who I deem is deserving of it. More importantly, the government redistributes wealth inefficiently. If you gave the government 100 dollars a very small portion of that would lead to getting food in someone's mouth. If individuals redistributed the money themselves 100% of the money would get into people's mouths. This is my biggest reason for despising taxes and forced charitable contributions.

Now clearly there are rebuttals to these premises. However, I feel as though overall, the net benefit of personal redistribution is greater than in forced distribution. You may get a little less money, but I think more mouths will be fed, and people will be empowered and have their eyes opened by having had such a personal experience in helping to alleviate the suffering of another. I think more often than not people hear that dems or other groups care about feeding the poor, that concept strikes a cord with them, and they decide they are liberal. I think quite often people hold on to slogans and sound bites which are given by political parties. I think many people wear the badge of a democrat because they feel it is the "nicer" political party. Their sound bites are convincing:

-we let people live how they want to live
-we love people
-we let people chose
-we care about actually helping people

All of these sound bites and slogans justify my position as a conservative. I think a further analysis is always needed to figure out which position really makes the most difference. If someone said they thought the liberal party made the biggest difference in people's lives I would disagree, but I would be fine with their position. But many people have no idea if their position leads to a greater amount of good being done or not -- they just like the way it sounds! They will wear the badges of all the previous slogans, hoping that it establishes their humanity and kindness, all the while not knowing the actual results of their positions. I can be included in this group at times, but I try and inform myself and figure out which position will bring the most net benefit.

How about you? Do you do the same? Or do you succumb to slogans and sound bites? I think the religious sound bites can sometimes be the most detrimental! It is my stance that more Christlike actions are accomplished by a historically more conservative approach. But I welcome dialogue.

Reciprocal Confirmation!

2009-03-09T21:47:00.003-06:00

This article demonstrates the only thing that I find to be troubling, religiously. It is the hardest question that is asked as a critique to religious thought! In my humble opinion . . .

http://www.hatrack.com/research/student-papers/literature-and-belief.shtml

The reading is rather dense, but so worth the read. A BYU professor wrote the article. He was an amazing teacher!

Twitter

2009-02-18T02:15:00.002-07:00

So I downloaded Twitter today. I don't know why I finally decided to do it, but I did. I think it is things like Twitter that would take away the need to pay the cell phone companies ridiculous prices for texting. Texting is one of the few things in the world that has gone up in price beside the cost of making it happen being almost nil, and beside the technology getting older. I hate paying for texts. They are so useful though.

So Twitter is sweet. It is exactly like "the wall" in facebook except you share your wall with all the people that you "follow." So I get updates from Shaq, Dave Matthews, Major Nelson (XBOX guy), Jonathan Beutler (friend), Josh Knowles, and many others. If everyone had this it would be so nice, because then texting would not be as necessary.

Also, I am going to post another post soon. Probably on my inability to decide what I want to do in life. Law . . . or something else. We shall see. As of right now, I an not entirely sure.

GET A TWITTER ACCOUNT. Kendall Knowles is the one person in the world who I think needs to get it the most. He was born for Twittering!

Anyway, another time. It is 2am and I have pink eye. I think Jonah gave it to me!

Weather

2009-01-20T16:40:00.001-07:00

For the past week or so it has been in the low 60s, high 50s.

Today it was 70.

I really like Denver :)

Urban Meyer Forgot the Little Guy

2009-01-09T09:06:00.003-07:00

I don't like Utah at all. However, I will refer to them as Co-National Champions for this year. They are deserving of it. While they could have definitely lost to Florida/Texas/USC/Oklahoma in the title game they never got the chance to play for it, therefore you can't say they were not champions.

I think Urban Meyer is the problem. It is people like him that make it so nothing changes. Urban Meyer declared that Utah was the best team when he won the Fiesta Bowl in 2004. He was upset they did not get a chance to play in the title game. So what does he do when he gets an unbelievable chance to change that after the title game now? He says this:

"I'll tell you, we're going to enjoy a big win, we're going to enjoy the national championship, let someone else worry about that. Gators are No. 1"

To me that is despicable. Here is someone who had a perfect chance to declare that he is considering Florida and Utah the co-champs. It is a perfect situation for him. Obviously the official stance is that Florida will be, so it is a win/win for him. He can stay true to his previous comments and positions and stick up for the little guy.

Urban Meyer is the epitome of what is wrong. He is someone in a high position who can make change. Change will only come if people from the top advocate it. He had his chance and he showed his true colors.

The argument could be made that he did not advocate Utah because he was staying true to his team. I don't buy it. His team is clearly going to believe they are #1. The official stance is that they are #1. Meyer's had nothing to loose.

My guess: when people get to the top and don't have to jump over the hurdles anymore they change their tune. Especially in the BCS, because if they advocate a step away from the BCS they actually hurt their chances of going to a title game again, because there will be more competition. So he is like all people who forget the small guy when the ascend into the upper echelons.

I don't like Utah. I would still rather be a Cougar on a 0-12 season than a Ute on a 13-0 season. However, they are national champs this year, just as much as anyone else in this incomplete season. And, I am embarrassed by Urban Meyer.

Way to forget the little guy!

On a side note. This seems so incredibly unjust, this BCS mess. If this was anything other than football the ACLU and all other groups would be up in arms asking how we can so clearly create a segregated situation. This is absolutely segregation. The BCS is saying all the same things that old racists once said, "they just aren't as good as us" "they just can't compete" and many other things. These are the same things people said before, implying that blacks and other minorities were not up to the challenge and could not live "normal" lives like other groups of people (whites). It was a horrible argument then, and it still is today. I am glad Major League Baseball, despite the incredible disparity between haves and have nots, actually have a playoff system. If Major League Baseball had a BCS then Tampa Bay would have found themselves on the outside looking in. The situation is eerily similar to the BCS situation. The Yankees and Red Sox have better athletes, recruiting, facilities, and talent. Good thing the played the game though, because it turned out that Tampa Bay was a better team. As unfair as no salary cap is in MLB at least they have a playoff system.

Another Quick Post: Grapevine Fires

2008-12-30T03:39:00.003-07:00

So I have been listening to this song lately and really love it, if you want to listen to it paste this in the address bar and click on "play" next to the second hit:

http://sadsteve.com/search.py?q=grapevine+fires

Here are the lyrics to Death Cab for Cutie "Grapevine Fires"

When the wind picked up
The fire spread
And the grapevine seemed left for dead
And the northern sky, looked like the end of day,
The end of days.

A wake up call to a rented room
Sounded like an alarm of impending doom.
To warn us it's only a matter of time.
Before we all burn
Before we all burn
Before we all burn
Before we all burn

We bought some wine and some papercups
Neared your daughter's school
and we picked her up
And drove to the cemetary on a hill, on a hill.

And we watched the plumes paint the sky gray
As she laughed and danced through the field of graves
And there I knew it would be alright
That everything would be alright,
Would be alright
Would be alright
Would be alright.

And the news reports on the radio
Said it was getting worse
As the ocean air fanned the flames.
But I couldn't think there
was anywhere I would have
rather been
To watch it all burn away.
To burn away.

The firemen worked in double shifts,
With prayers of rain on their lips
And they knew it was only a matter of time.

State of the Matt Address

2008-12-30T02:55:00.003-07:00

I was looking for anniversary cards the other day. Kylee and I had our 4th anniversary. We have been married a very, very long time. I like to give cards to Kylee, I think she is actually the only person I ever get cards for. I like her a lot, so it makes sense.

I was reading the cards and almost every card had something to the effect of:

"we have seen the good and bad times . . . "

I was thinking, yeah we have. Then I thought about it some more and realized I can't really say that is the case. Kylee and I have never really experienced the bad times. We have been in arguments, we have been mad at each other. But I would never classify those few occasions as "bad times." I wouldn't even say we have had any real big trials in our four year marriage (knock on wood - I am not asking for any).

I began to think about just the last eight years in general, since I was baptized. It has been great. Here are some things I want to bring special attention to:

1. Spirituality - this one is weird for me to talk about overall, because you guys do not live in my head - it probably wouldn't be that interesting. However, I think things are going really well.
2. Females - Well, one actually. I met Kylee and things are going great. I would say I have what I would consider an ideal marriage. Yes, it could improve, but I absolutely love it, and I think this is what marriage is supposed to be like.
3. Family - things are going overall well in this category also. Kylee and I have two superb children, we have lots of fun together and we love our extended family a great deal.
4. Education - this is one aspect of my life where I just step back and say "Am I really doing/accomplishing this?" I was an absolutely horrible high school student, and I am 2.5 years from graduating with a doctorate! That is crazy to me. Also, things went amazingly well. I got a total of 70,000/90,000 dollars that my grad school is paid for in scholarship money. Again, amazing. I hope I do well enough this year to keep the scholarship, but even if I don't, we have been incredibly blessed. The Lord helped me a great deal, I believe, to get a good LSAT score. It was something that when I look back at that time I can say I gave maximum effort and did my part for the Lord to bless me. And bless me he did - I got a good LSAT score in large part from the blessings of the Lord. I am truly grateful for his help in this section of my life, however, I often think that this aspect he helps me at too much, making me think that it won't be for me as much as this aspect will help others some day, in some way.
5. Physical Strength - I read the August 2006 Ensign First Presidency Message by Elder Faust about fathers (maybe September). In it he says that a man's first priority it to take care of his spiritual and physical body. I was surprised at how important he deemed it to be. He lists it in front of many things. I have not been doing so good in this category. I weighed myself the other night and I am at 187.5. That is the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I actually think I may have been 1.5 pounds heavier at the end of the mission, but you get the idea. My weight fluctuates so much. It is not a mystery as to why either--when I exercise I am skinny, when I do not, I am not. I need to do better in this category. I would say my ideal weight is about 160. I was 155 when I graduated high school, but I am a little older now and don't expect that. I am going to try to make this aspect a little better. However, it must be made known that I am very grateful for the health that I enjoy. I really have no health problems, which I really must acknowledge is an amazing gift from God.
6. Friendship - this one is easy. Kylee and I have the best friends there are. When I think about the people in my life, and the people we are closest to, I just am amazed at the quality of these people's character. Special mention must be made of Sam/Becky and Dan/Cindy. We have spent by far the most amount of time with these people and we cherish each moment we have spent with them. I really only miss Utah because this is where they live (and Cafe Rio). Growing up with Sam (and coming to know Becky) and living downstairs from Dan/Cindy are things that I am grateful to God for. Nothing makes life more enjoyable than good company. There are countless other people I would consider very good friends, but these are the people we have spent the most time with and as a result feel a special bond with. The fact that we all got married and had kids around the same time only further explains our bond, I believe.

So that is just a quick run-down. I feel like I have been so blessed. When I get a card for Kylee I want it to say thanks for making my life have few down times. I wrote in the card that I bought her that I was grateful for her and glad we have not needed to go through many really hard times. I also mentioned that she is probably the reason why. However, one thing that gives me great reassurance is that if those hard times ever do come, and they inevitably will, I know she will be there with me. She makes hard times seem not as bad.

Anyway, publicly, I am just a incredibly grateful person. Not only for the reasons I mentioned, but also for food, shelter, clothing and safety. What a blessing it is to not have to worry about other nations coming in and destroying our homes and generally taking away our peace and safety. This blessing, I believe, cannot be emphasized enough. Things are going just incredibly well. I wanted you all to know that, and give a shout out to our Heavenly Father, who I think is the Author of all that is good and desirable. I hope he knows that I am grateful to Him for these things also. I would consider myself, of all things, blessed.

Potty Training and Psychology

2008-12-28T14:57:00.002-07:00

Mikelle had not peed in her pants for about a week and a half. Even at night she was holding it. She just decided she wanted to be a "big girl" as she sees it. We were ecstatic. She would run in and tell us she had to pee or poo.

However, at Dan and Cindy's the other night Dan noticed that Mikelle had peed her pants. Ever since then she pees her underwear and then asks to go to the bathroom, alternating between being a "big girl" and not. It is strange.

I think it is something psychological. I think she did not know where she was or the bathroom situation at Dan and Cindy's house and peed her pants as a result of being in a strange situation. Now I think she has just come to feel like she has let us down or something, so she has given up.

Either way, I wonder what is in that little head. I really want her to feel absolutely comfortable and confident, and I hope that we are understanding her enough to meet her needs. I would be quite sad if I knew she felt like she had let us down, and was just giving in.

Hopefully we can figure it out.

Either way, I was dang proud of her for that week and a half. And actually still really am. She is a great kid!

She even got new undies for Christmas that she need to put on right away when she got them.

Knowing Jesus

2008-12-15T02:28:00.004-07:00

Today we had an exceptional sacrament meeting. The Engel's spoke about coming to know the Lord.

Sister Engel shared the story about the man that comes into an office and sits down with an interviewer. The interviewer asks the man to tell him who Jesus is. The man tells him basic historical facts, and the interviewer says "but who is He?" The man then tells historical facts, but with even greater detail. Again, not the correct answer and the original question prompt is repeated. The man then says something similar again and then is invited to leave (nicely).

Another man comes in. He is asked who Jesus is. The man then gets on his knees and says "My Lord, My God!" And he recognizes that it is the Lord asking the questions. At least that is the most common interpretation. I don't think the interviewer has to be Jesus and it would still work well. Because, to one man he is a historical figure (even though they may relate parts of the story that imply He is divine) while another can just say that Jesus is their Lord and God. Either way.

I feel like the interviewer is Christ. The second interviewee recognizes that it is His Savior that he is speaking with and worships Him. Sister Engel shared the story quite nicely. She then spoke about many tender mercies that have helped her know Christ. Her talk, and testimony, were both very touching.

Then her husband, Brother Engel, spoke. He spoke about knowing Christ also. But when he spoke he had a rather unique, and quite beautiful, approach. He spoke about how he would know who Christ is when he returns because he has seen all the characteristics of Christ in different settings.

He spoke about how he did not see Christ create the heavens and the earth, but he has participated in the process with his wife, and has seen her create life. He said he will recognize Christ's creative powers when the time comes.

He said he has never personally witnessed Christ leave the ninety and nine to go after the "one," but he has seen his wife do it. He has seen her leave her kids on the first day of kindergarten, even though they were also nervous, because she saw a boy who did not have his mom there and was quite upset. She went and consoled him. He said he learned a lot about Christ that day, and came to know Him a little more.

He said he never witnessed Christ in His teenage years, but had many stories of how he saw Christ in his kids during those years, and how he learned something about Christ's patience during these times too :)

And he shared many stories about how he sees Christ in all the different ward members. Because of these people, he knows Christ.

I absolutely loved both talks. Both talks had the Spirit quite strongly in them. What a touching subject also. I go through phases of knowing Christ, probably like most of you. However, at this point in my life, I think I think of Christ as more principles than person. That may sound weird, but I think it is true. For instance, if someone mentions Christ I don't necessarily think of the person, but I think of the personification of certain attributes (clearly all very good attributes). I think this is a sad development. Although over the past . . . eight years . . . I have come to know Christ a great deal, I think my relationship with Him is starting to get lessened. I still believe in Him, have a testimony of Him, and love Him, but He is becoming less of a person for me and more doctrine and personification (not intentionally). I need to remedy this. I need to start that relationship again. I pray pretty consistently, but I need to more. I read my scriptures, but could definitely do it more. But most of all, I think I need to seek the Son of God out more.

Interestingly, I was thinking about Christ the other day and how he seeks me out. I remember when I was fourteen, not very religious at all, I had a powerful spiritual experience. My father and I were watching Stigmata. The movie is about a Gospel written by Jesus Christ himself. But it is covered up by the Catholic Church and the priest who the church tries to kill, once they realize what Christ's message is, never gets to share it with others. So he tries to share it through a women, and the women, as a representation of this message of Christ coming through her, starts to get the wounds of the Stigmata (the wounds Christ suffered when on the cross). She then, at the end, shares the message that is the opening verse of Christ's gospel. Here is the quote from the Gospel, as I found it on the internet (I haven't seen the movie since then):

"The Kingdom of God is within you, not in buildings of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood and I am there. Lift the stone and you will find me."

Although I may not find the movie very uplifting now, I absolutely did then. In fact, it is the first time I really remember feeling the Spirit. The strange thing is is that I remember feeling it only one other time, other than this time, before I was baptized. That time was the time I decided I wanted to change how I lived my life . . . and about two months later I moved in with the Knowles (which was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me) and was baptized. I did not really know what the Spirit was then. In fact, when I heard her say those words, "the kingdom of God is within you" I started crying. I did not notice it, but my Dad said, "what are you crying for?" I did not know why. But I know that I felt so good. My heart burned.

I finished watching the movie with my Dad, that was about the end of it. Then I went immediately into my room. Alex was not living there at that time so I had the room to myself. I knelt down, which I never did, and prayed. It was probably the first time I had prayed in many years. My heart burned the entire time. I spoke with God with fervency and thanked Him for that feeling in my heart. I did not know what it was, but I knew it felt good, and I knew it was from him.

The point? I think God does seek us out. I don't remember being especially repentant at that point. I don't remember desiring to find out God. But even though I was not looking for God, he was looking for me. I needed that burning in the bosom that day. I need to know he existed. The movie may not have been especially inspiring (although I think aspects of it absolutely are) but it was where I was, and God came and found me. I do think the premise of the Gospel is true however. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is not the kingdom of God (hear me out!), the kingdom of God is within us, and we gather ourselves together at the Church and make it the kingdom of God. Without us there is not church, the kingdom, which is the testimony of Christ, is within our hearts and we gather together to make it present on earth. Obviously angels and resurrected beings came down or over or whatever, and ordained people to make it officially on earth, but we are the body of Christ. I think our Church would readily acknowledge that, but the fictional Catholic Church thought it would ruin them.

Although God seeks me, I need to seek Him. God will not force us, so if we are not making Him a part of our life, he will not (usually) compel us to do so. Which makes the moments we do seek Him out and find Him even more sacred and special. Following Christ has been, without question, the best choice I have ever made. Even when I am not doing so well at following Him I can still feel His love for me, and I can remember the sweet feelings of peace that I have felt when I have been especially close to Him.

On a side note, I thought a lot about the ninety and nine today while at church during Brother Engel's talk. When Christ goes after that "one" he does not leave the ninety and nine in danger, they are in a safe place, and he leaves them only to help others come and enjoy that safety and belonging with them. There is safety in His fold. There is peace there. And remember, not as the world giveth, but another kind of peace altogether.

It snowed last night and we had record colds today. We were all ready for Church and walking outside when Mikelle said her stomach hurt and the car seemed stuck in the snow. We were also running late. I thought that we may stay home today. But then I gave the gas another go and it budged and we arrived safely at Church. How many times does the car not budge, and I stay at home from a place that the Spirit resides at, like how it was in our sacrament meeting today at Church? I remember when sacrament was over I thought of how grateful I was that I had been there that day.

I know God lives. I feel His presence in my life often. Although my relationship with Christ is not as strong as it once was, my testimony of Him still burns bright. I know He lives. I know God and His Son live just as much as I know anything else in this life. And I mean that seriously. I know that God lives similarly to how I know that love is good. I know it similarly to how I know hunger. I have felt the sanctifying presence of God in my life, and I think when people feel that, they can never be the same again. I really love Him. I want to be more like Him.

But most importantly, I know he seeks me out, looking to bring me back into the fold with the ninety and nine if I wander.

His sacrifice is, above all, the gift we should all remember during this holiday time.

P.S. Sam said every good blog has pictures, so I will try to do my part from now on.

"Reference Points" and a "G" Rated Life

2008-12-09T18:01:00.003-07:00

So I got a wonderful Christmas card. It was actually beautiful. This is the link:

http://www.frontiernet.net/%7Ejimdandy/specials/xmas.htm

It has a fantastic message. But this one part made me think:

Entertainment: Joy, Peace, Truth,
Light, Life, Love, Real Happiness,
Communion with God, Forgiveness, Miracles, Healing, Power,
Eternity in Paradise, Contentment, and much more!
(All "G" rated, so bring your family and friends.)

From the mention of "Eternity in Paradise" I gathered that they were talking about the benefits of the party--what would come from it. But then it said it would be "G" rated.

I don't think life in the eternal realm will be/is "G" rated. I think that things that are Rated "G" are not really praiseworthy--I think they are actually neutral. Most of the "G" rated movies I have seen have been really dumbed down. Disney movies don't advocate much, because they don't have the opposition.

Life only becomes valuable when we overcome something difficult. It is like Satan's plan vs. God's plan. We needed to have the struggle to have the glory. Without struggle, adversity and trial there is no glory. So, I find it unlikely that following God and becoming like Him would be "G" rated. I think it would actually be rated R. God sees horrible atrocities. He sees suffering, incest, abuse, murder . . . everything. That is why He is God, despite His grudgingly seeing these things, He has no desire to partake of them. To be brought high, and appreciate it, you have to be brought low. You cannot recognize how high you are without something to compare it to. If everyone is high, you think you are on ground level, because you don't have another point of reference. So we have to see horrible sadness to experience amazing happiness. If we don't, we cannot comprehend what the happiness is.

It is like uniform motion. If you are moving uniformly with something and you have no other point of reference you do not know that you are moving. That is why we get motion sickness, our body is telling us something that our eyes are not seeing. I think reference points are incredibly important. We cannot know exaltation without having a point of reference to know what we are exalted from. The very word, exalt, means to lift up. We need to know that we were at one point down. You may say that "we get our reference point when we are on the earth, in the next life it will be perfect, we wouldn't need a reference point anymore." And I would disagree. We are going to become like God . . . hopefully . . . and that is an essential element of who God is. We will probably experience even greater moments of sadness in the next life, because we are experiences even greater moments of joy. There is opposition in all things. We will feel much more joy and eternal happiness when we see a soul repent and change, but we will feel loss like we have never felt during this life when a person chooses not to repent. We will have lower lows and higher highs. Life will not be Rated G, and thank goodness for that. However, I do believe that Satan's path was rated "G," and I am glad I escaped that future.

That is why I think, overall, many rated "R" movies stir people's soul more. They bring you lower at points, so they can lift you higher up at the end. You have a point of reference that gives you perspective. If you did not see the brutality in Gladiator, and his wife and kid killed (which surely would not be there in a "G" movie) you would not be as elated when he escapes the brutality of being a gladiator and when he returns to his wife and child. You would not feel as uplifted and edified in "Schindler's List" when you see him sacrifice everything for others if you did not see what he was saving those people from. You may say that they do not have to show those things for you to be uplifted. I disagree, you need a reference point and if you do not then you are not as edified and relieved after. Life is not Rated "G," and it is great that it is not. The actions of those who are righteous are "G," but the life and world they experience is not. You can have your actions be Rated "G" and still have a reference point--there will always be wickedness that you see, even when you are exalted. In fact, when you are exalted it is likely you will experience it even more.

Reference points are crucial. There is opposition in all things. To really "know" true happiness you must "know" pain and sorrow. To experience true elation in the soul that repents, you have to feel true despair from seeing a soul go astray.

And hopefully by seeing these atrocities, and by choosing a different path, we get to a point where our actions can be "G" in a Rated "NC-17" world.

But the original Christmas party invite was not trying to elaborate on reference points, or the nature of eternity (it kind of was). It was just trying to warm our hearts and give us perspective, which it absolutely did.

Faith . . . Marrying a Mormon . . . White Shirts/White

2008-12-08T18:21:00.004-07:00

So I have had extremely faith promoting experiences lately. I want to preface with this because the latter half of my post is somewhat heretical.

I really enjoy following Christ. Honestly, there is so much depth that faith can add to your life. It can add so much more to how you love, how you forgive . . . all those things. The biggest thing that it adds to is probably family relationships. It transforms how people think of each other. I was talking to my Mom the other day and telling her that I could not marry a non-mormon. If Kylee ever passed away I would absolutely end up marrying a latter day saint. It is not because I think of Latter Day Saints as better, however. It is really because I don't think I could have as close of a relationship with a person who is not a member of my faith as I could with a person who is. To me, my faith is the most important thing to me. Also, I want to marry someone who believes that there is a prophet on earth today, and wants to follow him. If my wife was like, "listen, I am just not going to move to Missouri just because your prophet said we should" that would be incredibly hard for me. Also, if times become tough and I wanted to pay tithing instead of one of our bills, and she did not, that would not work in my mind. I would not be able to be as close to a spouse if they did not share my faith. If I could not come home from a fireside and tell them how my heart burned when the Spirit confirmed to me again that Joseph Smith is a prophet there would be a divide between us. Anyway, I just thought about that when I thought about how it adds to family relationships. Again, mormon women aren't necessarily better than non-mormon women, I just would get more out of my relationship with Mormon women.

But, now for the heretical. I don't think the color white has much meaning, at all. We always hear that we wear white to symbolize purity. I agree that we do. However, I don't think the color white actually makes a difference in anyone's life. I don't think it spurs anyone to righteousness. I think people would be just as righteous, overall, if our baptismal jump suit was black as if it was white. Same for garments, dress shirts for passing sacraments, etc. I can actually understand it for missionary clothes however. I think missionaries should not wear anything that distracts people from the message and makes them think about their clothing. I think uniformity for missionary attire is a very good thing. However, I think it almost does more bad than good to have white shirts. I think that it helps none (maybe for a few it does) and it distracts and causes many to judge. So overall I think it is net-negative, not net-positive.

I only wear white shirts. I only wear white garments (obviously), but I don't think the white REALLY does anything for me. I think that if they were red I would hold them just as sacredly (and I believe I do treat them sacredly). To me, this is one thing that is very traditional. Isaiah and other old prophets spoke of being sinless as being white like wool and snow and then people thought, yeah, let's have this be doctrine now. Although, again, there is almost nothing intrinsically spiritual about it. A white shirt is not innately better than a red shirt. I think they are both neutral.

But, I shouldn't be the one commenting on this, because I don't really think I believe too heavily in the "you show your reverance to God by how you dress" mentality. I do to some extent, but again, I don't think that anyone is any more righteous as a result of dressing up. I don't think there is correlation or causation. I think it is almost neutral. I think if we all started wearing regular clothes to church things would stay the same (although we now have the dress clothes being more righteous ingrained in us, so I think we really can't separate the two). I think I only feel better about myself when I wear a suit to church (and I do every Sunday) because we are told to culturally. I think if we escaped that I would be able to worship God just the same in regular clothes. In fact, I worship God at many times during the week, and I feel the Spirit quite strongly, and I happen to be in regular clothes. There does not seem to be much correlation with how I dress and how much I feel God's presence.

Anyway, I do have strong faith and testimony of God and Jesus Christ. I love this latter day restoration, and all of its attendant blessings. I mostly love hearing a prophet's voice, and knowing that they speak for God, and guide me to a path that will give me happiness. I especially love that Jesus Christ stood in the stead of my sins, suffered for them, and made it so I could overcome my numerous follies and sins. The atoning power of Christ, once felt, leaves a person forever changed. I am grateful for that power in my life. I am grateful for all these blessings.

Sin

2008-11-25T19:58:00.003-07:00

So, what is sin. My friend had an interesting post the other day about how Nephi both lied to Zoram and killed Laban.

It seemed to me like the crux of the issue that he was getting to was: what is sin?

I find this question intriguing. I will give my answer.

For a person to commit sin they must do at least these four things, if I think about more I will add to this list later.

1. Do something that God does not want them to do.
2. Know that God does not want them to do it.
3. Desire to do the forbidden thing
4. Voluntarily choose to commit the act.
5. Commit the act (thoughts alone are tricky. Is it a sin if they are dwelled on, or is it automatically a sin. Remember, we have been told repeatedly that homosexuals are not sinning when they have a homosexual thought enter their mind. When does it become sin though? Jesus said when we lust over a woman we commit sin. There has to be some moment when it crosses the line. Maybe it is when we choose to think about it more, after it entered. This would go along with #4).

So those are my five things that a person must do to commit sin. I think if you do not meet all of these prongs you have not committed sin.

What do you think?

Grade Curves

2008-11-18T18:48:00.003-07:00

I hate them.

I think they really only help employers and the few people who are the top of the curve.

A big reason is because they don't mean much (this has already been much discussed, I acknowledge). I have done better than many people, in many classes, who were more gifted than me. I think it has a lot to do with effort.

But a bigger reason that I don't like them is because it makes everyone do more than is necessary. We are all studying for finals at our law school. We should not know these subjects as well as we are learning them, there are more important things we could be doing. But, because we are all graded against each other we all feel the need to learn the material more than we ever should. Each person is trying to get even the tiniest, incremental advantage compared to his classmate. It is somewhat ridiculous.

It does, however, benefit the employers. They know who the people are who are willing to work all day and night; these are the same people who will be living at the law school. While being at the top of the curve does not mean that you are necessarily more intelligent than someone else, it does say who is willing to put in ungodly hours. The employers need to know this. Also, employers don't have much to go on. A one hour interview doesn't really tell you much about an employee. A grade from a curve gives the employer that much more to go off. Despite some people's opinions that they are incredible interviewers, there is only so much you can learn about a person.

So I am not a fan of the curve. Even if I did incredible and was in the top 10% of the class I would still say that it made us all work way too hard. We all just want to go home. I wish we could all make a pact to leave school before 9pm, but then one of us would decide to get the advantage over their classmate and stay later, then we are all back to the grind, all day and all night.

I want to be my own boss. I don't want to ever have to burn the midnight oil like this again.

I just want to hang out with my family.

How I Suck

2008-11-13T12:53:00.003-07:00

Yesterday was Kylee's birthday. Kylee is amazing. She deserves all the good she gets. She also was raised in a very different family than I was.

I decided that I would leave school early on Tuesday and go out and get Kylee a present. I went to GAP and got her a sweater and a shirt. The shirt was a steal, it was on the clearance rack, but it was really cute. The sweater was just great, but way too expensive. I decided that although it goes against everything I stand for to spend 50$ on a sweater. But then I thought, maybe it will go really far to get it because then she will know that I will do things that I don't want to do to make her happy. So I bought the sweater and shirt and brought them home. I gave her the presents Tuesday night because I don't think there is much of a point to wait until the birthday. She said she loved them. We spent the rest of the night hanging out and watching movies.

I thought I had done well. I even fulfilled her mom's wishes to have me put toilet paper all over where she was sleeping so she would see it when she woke up (her mom's tradition). I had told her the day before that I had a ton of things to do that day and that was why I came home early the day before.

I don't think she liked this approach very much. I swing and strike out frequently. I think one of the most depressing things in life is when you give your best and it is not good enough. Some people say that it is comforting when they know they did their best. I don't subscribe to that mentality. To me that is the most depressing thing there is; I don't ever want to be just "not good enough."

The biggest part of the problem is that we have been raised with such different approaches to things. In my family it isn't even really noticed if we forget to say Happy Birthday. To the contrary, in her family only a parade will suffice when it is someone's birthday. I don't think either approach is necessarily wrong. It is just hard for me to make myself care about something I don't care about. I guess it is caring about something that matters to me, I do care a great deal about her, and if it makes her happy . . . but the difficulty remains.

I need to just really ask myself what it is she wants me to do. I do this, but I need to do it more. I did go home early and got her a present the day before her birthday. I have to study for finals, however. So because I did it that day I told her I couldn't do it on her birthday. Clearly, this did not fly. My logic is definitely not her logic. I need to ensure I see what she wants, not what I think is right or sufficient.

Anyway, I hate not being sufficient. I would rather think I lacked effort and that I was capable but lazy than think that I just didn't have the capability. I can see both viewpoints, but I hate knowing I have limitations.

Can Testimony Exist While Opposing Prop. 8

2008-11-11T10:58:00.003-07:00

I have been reading a discussion board on www.deseretnews.com and I find the conversation worthy of some thought.

Some are saying they have a testimony, yet the First Presidency is advocating something that is wrong. Perhaps more importantly, they are doing it in the name of the faith.

Others are saying these positions are incompatible. What do you think? Can a person have a testimony of the faith and believe the First Presidency is going astray in this aspect?

More to the point, can the First Presidency advocate things that are wrong (as some believe), in the name of the faith, and still be God's mouthpiece on earth, as they are believed to be?

Can a person maintain faith in the First Presidency and believe that they are advocating something God is against? If you really believe that it is wrong to ban same-sex marriage, and that God is against it, can you really believe that the Prophets and Apostles are speaking for God?

Barack Obama's Acceptance Speech

2008-11-05T13:42:00.005-07:00

I was greatly moved . . .

He is an incredible orator. If that was all he was he would still be laudable. But I think Barack Obama is more than that. I think, in many ways, Barack Obama embodies all that we have and do hope for as a nation. He is hope! I say this as someone who did not vote for him, but some things must be conceded. It is my humble opinion that Obama is a great man.

Now, there is a part where things get tricky. Barack Obama and I disagree on a good amount of issues. I think he has the best intentions, we must think this of almost all people I believe. The political commercials by both Barack Obama and John McCain really irked me. Many of them said something to this effect, "McCain (or) Obama is advocating ______, therefore he does not care about you, or working class families." That was so clearly, on both sides, bad politics and humanity. It is a tragedy when we take a position that someone holds and extrapolate that to mean things it doesn't necessarily mean. I believe, however, that overall Barack Obama has good intentions, he wishes the best for the country, and he is committed to making the United States of America better. So how do I navigate the next four (probably eight) years?

Here is an excerpt from Barack Obama's acceptance speech:

"I will listen to you, especially when we disagree."

I think he encapsulated one of the most important principles that can be espoused. We do not need to agree on everything. In fact, we can adamantly disagree with others. To bring it even further, it can be beneficial for there to be strong disagreements. What matters is our response to them. What do we do with these disagreements? Do we not listen as they are uttered, all the while formulating in our minds our response? Do we try to concede as little as possible to ensure that our argument still sounds the strongest? What do we do?

I am not sure about the best general approach. But I know what I do, I consider the viewpoints in the most favorable light that I possibly can. I look to accept them. I try to see their validity. But, after I do this (giving it the best chance it can get), I then compare it to the things I value most. After using both methods I then decide what is right. But, all the while, the most important principal is to listen.

This is where Barack Obama has it right, he is willing to listen. Nothing carries more weight than giving another's opinion validity. Henry Eyring once related this experience:

A professor of mine, Ray Bauer, years ago corrected me when I put the label of "irrational" on someone's behavior. He said: "Hal, you'll understand people better if you assume that people's behavior is rational, at least from their point of view. Try to see what they see."

Personally, I have been experiencing a lot of bigotry over my opinions lately. These opinions happen to be religious. I had one classmate tell me that despite the fact that he thinks I am intelligent and a good person, he does not think I should be able to vote. Mostly because my viewpoints are religious. This deeply concerned me.

How great would it be if we considered all viewpoints as rational. How much more unity would we have? How much less contention would exist? What a world it would be.

We could have disagreements without animosity. We would have less war.

Obama is a beacon of hope. He represents our continuing climb out of the dark recesses of racism, inequality and bigotry. He represents liberty, freedom and hope. Maybe even more important, Barack Obama gives hope to countless young people. Seemingly insurmountable obstacles of poverty, racial divides and entrenched mindsets can be overcome.

I disagree with Obama, but loved this quotation he repeated:

As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, “We are not enemies, but friends…though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection.”

Nothing is more powerful than hope and unity. While I disagree with Barack Obama on many things, I am filled with hope this day.

Submission v. Resistance

2008-10-13T12:29:00.004-06:00

Which one seems more powerful? I asked this question to someone and he said he didn't know, "it would depend on how we are defining powerful." I think that is a valid point.

But I think both can be amazing tools. Submission can be very powerful when it comes to humility, our relationship to God, and ensuring the longevity of relationships. Resistance can be extremely powerful when we are speaking about doing things that are wrong, overcoming corrupt government, and resisting selfish desires. Both resistance and submission can have amazing consequences.

I am not sure which one I think is more powerful. I think they can both be amazing tools of change.

EDIT:

To add further, I am thinking about these things on a very personal level. I have the natural tendency of resistance. I always want to "stick it to the man" as Jack Black once said. I think I get this tendency from my father. He was quite the conspiracy theorist, and it rubbed off on me. So my gut reaction is resistance.

But the gospel of Christ calls for so much more. It asks us to submit, to submit wholly. This is one of my favorite addresses about submission, and about the Gospel of Christ in general:

http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-266-15,00.html

To me, submission is most powerful. I guess the question, in large part, really depends on what you struggle with most. If someone is quite timid and does not speak up for themselves enough I would guess that resistance would seem quite powerful to them. To me, submission is a holy quest.

This quest requires that I give up my will completely. That I take my will, put it on the altar, and let it be consumed. Of course, the real goal would be to make my will congruent with Christ's, but I think it requires that I first become completely open to letting my will be replaced.

I think the ultimate test in life is submission. Are we willing to acknowledge our complete dependance on God? It seems like those who find God, ultimately, are those who sincerely repent.

Followers

2008-10-10T13:14:00.002-06:00

So I added the web widget to the right that lets people be viewed as "followers" to the blog. I think it is funny that they call it that. Especially because I post about mostly religious things, and "followers" has an interesting connotation when it comes to religious stuff. Maybe I will change it to, people who follow this blog to avoid confusion. And it may not matter much, as it seems many of the "followers" haven't noticed the part of the page or cared to become a "follower:

Anyway, I think it is a fun way to notify people which blogs you read and who reads your blogs.

Interesting Discussion

2008-09-30T00:28:00.002-06:00

So I talked to a girl at school today about religion (this is becoming a pattern). She was telling me how she thinks God is completely void of emotion of feeling. She said she relates him to nature, which is completely beautiful and lovely at times and then horrible and destructive later. She said, overall she doesn't know if a God exists, but she said if she did have an opinion of God that would be what she envisions.

I have a much different idea about God. I think she bases her belief on God by the fact that horrible things happen to people who in no way deserve these things. She was telling me about how she had bone cancer and how unjust it was. I have a very different view of God than she does.

I find God to be completely loving and absolutely caring about us. I think that earth is, by its nature, both beautiful and destructive and all the other things that she sees. But I think acts, by themselves, are rather meaningless in life, the only things that have lasting meaning is our reaction to events.

I believe God to be incredibly loving, and although he does see us down here struggling and having an incredibly difficult time, he weeps with us. He desires to help us but maintains our personal autonomy and respects our freedom to choose. So the violence and depravity that occur on earth are rather insignificant, it is our reaction that God cares about. I think he will cure all of the damage that has been done to us that was not a result of our actions. He will buoy up those who have been brought low. But he is incredibly loving, and this is something I know.

iTunes 8's "Genius" Playlist Creator is the Best Thing to Happen to iTunes in a Long Time

2008-09-24T21:06:00.003-06:00

I love this new feature.

If you have a song selected in your iTunes library you simply push the "Genius" button on the bottom right and iTunes will automatically create a playlist for you based on user's listening habits related to that song. So iTunes collects data on usage for creating playlists and if people usually have said selected song iTunes will group it with other songs that users frequently have also. It will also look, I believe, to see what songs usually accompany this song in people's playlists.

This is great for lazy people like me. I used to just pick a different song every couple of songs. It was the way I liked it, because I could listen to what I felt like listening to, but it took a lot of time and thought for me to decide upon a song. But this new feature is so easy I have used it literally every time I have listened to music since I downloaded it. The reason I have stuck with it so religiously is that it is "Genius." I skip through, at most, two songs each time I listen to a playlist of 25 songs. It is incredibly good at knowing what I will want to listen to by selecting one song. It makes my music listening experiences much more effecient (less time going and finding songs I want to listen to) and enjoyable.

Also, there is a "Recommendation" sidebar that offers you recommendations on songs you do not have that people who listen to that song usually do. I love this also, it has made me purchase more (smart marketing tactic) and discover songs I had forgotten about. I have often seen the song in the sidebar and thought "Holy crap, I used to listen to that song with this song all the time in 7th grade!" Or something to that effect.

The more people use this feature the better it will be. Also, the more songs you have in your library, the better the "Genius" feature will do in matching up songs you want to listen to. I have about 2400 songs and it does great with this many. The more obscure artists it struggles with, for instance, Joshua James, but overall it is great. Joshua James songs only bring up other songs by him and my music by Damien Rice and Nick Drake. The three of them are great artists, but more variety would be nice.

If you have not downloaded the recent iTunes 8 update I highly recommend it. It has made me rediscover my music in a new way. For those of you who do not have iTunes and use WMP or another program, well . . . we have bigger issues to work out.

Retributivism or Utilitarianism

2008-09-20T23:51:00.006-06:00

So, in our criminal law class we have been talking about two different approaches to the punishment of criminals. These two approaches are retributivism and utilitarianism. I will give a definition of each, taken from lexisnexis.com, which is a legal research website.

Utilitarians consider the effect of a form of punishment in terms of both general deterrence and specific (or individual) deterrence. When the goal is general deterrence, punishment is imposed in order to dissuade the community at large to forego criminal conduct in the future. When the goal is specific deterrence, punishment is meant to deter future misconduct by an individual defendant by both preventing him from committing crimes against society during the period of his incarceration (incapacitation), and reinforcing to him the consequences of future crimes (intimidation).

That is the definition for Utilitarians in the law. I would like to add that by my reading in our text book, utilitarians don't punish unless there is utility for the punishment. The punishment must have a purpose, or use.

Retributivism – Under a retributive theory of penal law, a convicted defendant is punished simply because he deserves it. There is no exterior motive such as deterring others from crime or protecting society – here the goal is to make the defendant suffer in order to pay for his crime. Retributive theory assigns punishment on a proportional basis so that crimes that cause greater harm or are committed with a higher degree of culpability (e.g, intentional versus negligent) receive more severe punishment than lesser criminal activity.

That is the definition for Retributivism in the law. I would like to add that by my reading in our text book, retributists don't punish to reform, to deter, or to incapacitate, they simply punish because someone has done something wrong. They don't care about utility in punishment.

So my question is . . . which do you think God subscribes to? Or, in what way does God view punishment? I would guide your thoughts to ask this question, is there always utility when God punishes, does he ever punish just because somebody did something wrong?

I imagine that both points will be strongly argued. I hope that this is the case. I will add my viewpoint along the way. I have had this conversation with a couple of people and I think a lot of this discussion has to do with what you view punishment to be, so in a way it turns into semantics. That is fine with me, as long as we decide upon meanings for words. I may add more to the post when people start raising different questions/concerns.

I hope all who read my blog will post, even those who don't post very often . . . Becky, Sam, Cindy, Dan . . . anyone else. I think this questions shows us a lot about what we think about God and his laws. I would love to hear everyone's viewpoint.

Directions of Blog

2008-09-19T02:10:00.002-06:00

I have been think a lot about my blog lately. There are three things that I really like to write about:

1. Theology (mainly stuff about my religion, because clearly that is what interests me)
2. Sports
3.  Stuff - I absolutely love  and especially my iPhone

I may start a blog on each one, but as you can tell, I am having a difficult time finding time to keep up on just this one. I was listening to a talk the other day by Elder Ballard about how we should be defending the faith more online. I was thinking I should try to do this also.

And I love to talk sports. I think about sports a lot also. I haven't decided what I am going to do yet.

If a group of people wanted to start a religious blog with me I would be completely up for that. We could have a group Mormon blog. I would love that. I would really like to get one that could also have a chat room, but I haven't become tech savvy yet to create one. Suggestions are welcome.

BYU Cougars Beat Washington Huskies 28-27

2008-09-07T07:41:00.005-06:00

I have been reading a lot of online posts about Jake Locker's penalty because he threw the football in the air after the touchdown to presumably tie the game. The Washington Huskies were assessed a fifteen yard penalty on the extra point attempt.

I can absolutely understand why Huskies fans are upset. That play should have not got the flag as it did in an ideal world. It would be nice if the NCAA would let people play the game and not worry about if someone spikes a ball because they are happy they scored. This doesn't really augment the game too much. Yes, the NFL's players can take the celebrations too far. But this was a far cry from using the pylon to putt the football, or taking out a cell phone and calling someone. This was very tame.

But I also think some things must be said:

1. I can understand if your team returns a football the length of the field on the last play and someone gets called for an illegal block that never happened. If that play would have won you the game it would have cost you the game. It is hard to deny that. But give me a break-anyone who thinks this cost them the game must have turned the TV off right there and thought they didn't get a PAT kick. If he hits that routine chip shot they tie the game. There would be almost no discussion of this right now if he just would have hit the shot. Even more, if he would have been short that may have been a reason to say the penalty was too costly, but the kick was not short, IT GOT BLOCKED. BYU blocked the kick. I have heard about arguments about trajectory but give me a break, what percentage of kicks from that far away are blocked, 1%? If that.

2. Furthermore, BYU had the same penalty assessed right after the play. It just wasn't as costly for them. If something bad would have happened to BYU because of this play would we have reason to complain. Jake Locker broke the rules just as much as BYU did, we just didn't have it matter as much because of circumstances. The refs were calling it fair.

3. Let's say Jake Locker throws that football down instead of straight up in the air. That would have been a HUGE spike. There would be no discussion. So should the rule be that you only are penalized if you throw the ball in any direction but down? Of course not. If you use the football as part of your celebration you are penalized. Jake Locker threw the football high in the air, and he used the ball to celebrate. That is clearly illegal. If spiking the ball is illegal, clearly that is also. Did that hurt the Washington Huskies, of course it did. I think it hurt them more mentally than anything else. But again, BYU Cougars had the same penalty right after and fortunately it didn't happen to hurt them as much as it did the Washington Huskies.

If BYU had lost the game because of this I would be upset. But I would be much more upset about that blocked PAT than I would have been about the penalty. I would have wondered why our guys could not block enough on the most crucial play of the game. Should the rule be amended, I don't know. If you say they can throw the ball in the air how can you make it so they can't spike it? Direction isn't that important. The NCAA rule has to either be that you can't use the ball to celebrate at all, or you can, it can't be both ways.

On a side note, Jake Locker is an incredible runner. He missed some extremely wide open guys during the course of the game, but he can always get you a first down. The problem is that with Jake Locker you can't really rely on his arm, because it is inaccurate. If you just have him run all the time than people won't respect your team. They definitely won't respect your throw and they will focus all their attention on your runners. Jake Locker seems to suffer from the same ailments as Michael Vick and Vince Young--extremely one dimensional.

Net Benefit

2008-08-21T19:13:00.002-06:00

I will post on this stuff later, when I have time.

Net Benefit with regards to:
God's Plan
Capitalism v. Socialism
Serving the Law v. Law Serving Us

I wanted to post it so I didn't forget the stuff I wanted to talk about.

Transition

2008-08-14T22:28:00.003-06:00

We are settled rather nicely into Denver now. Our apartment is unpacked and we have everything set up. The only thing I have left to do is to arrange my clothes a little better. We have had a very efficient two weeks here.

I started law school orientation. All of the professors and deans were trying to scare us all week. They have been bracing us for the most intense schooling of our life. I believe it will be. Law school is probably the school that puts the most weight into class ranking; hiring is entirely dependent upon class ranking. You need people skills, but a lot of employers will only interview within the top ten percent of the class. It should be rather intense.

I have met three people in my class that are Mormons and two other guys that went to BYU. There are probably others also. It has been a strange week. It is nice to have some people who make me feel somewhat in my element. We are probably going to become really good friends. It will be nice to study with people like the guys I have met.

I was called to be the second counselor in the Elders Quorum of my new ward tonight. I am excited to serve in this capacity. I can feel a difference between the members here and in Utah. The members in Colorado are more excited about being members of the church. Also, the ward has much more of a family feel here than in Utah. You know so many people in Utah and have so many members around that nobody feels the NEED to get to know others. In Colorado people care about knowing and associating with Mormons in their ward because it is the only opportunity that they will get. I am excited to serve the people here but am thinking I won't have much free time starting next week. I will be at school from 7:45am to 7pm every night and helping with the kids when I get home. I am not going to have much free time.

Even though I will have no free time I must admit that I am feeling a deep sense of gratitude lately. Things are going ideally in life. I couldn't have planned it any better. I am getting to go to a graduate school and not having to pay for it almost. I am studying something that is interesting me a lot lately, and I have an incredible family. Maybe most importantly, I have this deep, abiding feeling that I know, and am coming to know more, who I am. I have this deep, strong feeling of faith in God and Jesus Christ. It makes life have more substance and joy. I really believe also that God speaks through men called by Him even in our day. These beliefs and this amazing knowledge makes me grateful and joyful. I am loving living in the land of my mission and am excited to see where everything leads.

Life Moving Along

2008-08-11T01:20:00.001-06:00

We have moved to Denver! We like it a lot here so far. Right now I must say that Denver feels the most like home. Home has become rather elusive to me for the past eight years or so. It has been amazing how Kylee, Mikelle and Jonah make me feel at home. They are my home now. But for a location, Denver is it.

Do you ever feel like you are not living up to your potential? I do. I feel like that now. I have pretty much memorized my Patriarchal Blessing and even though I can't find it right now I can remember what it says. It speaks a lot about gifts I have given. I have left a lot of them under developed. Some people hear that they have gifts and they are not aware of them. That is not the case here. I know I have these gifts. I guess that sounds prideful but that isn't where this is coming from. It is a sense of remorse for not doing what I ought to do.

For example, and I didn't really want to give any, but here one is: I have the gift of a good memory. I can memorize things incredibly easily. I don't believe I have a photographic memory, but I think it approaches it. The gift is greatly magnified if it is something I am interested in. So when I was baptized and on my mission I was obsessed with the scriptures. I memorized them so easily. To the point where I can still recite scriptures that I haven't read in years. This is a gift that I have left underdeveloped in the last few years though.

I think I am making a ton of ground in some areas and no ground in others. I think I am losing ground in some other areas. Either way, I get down about it sometimes. Also, we belong to a church that doesn't do a good job of making people feel good about themselves--at least that is what I hear. I hear that we are not doing well enough. I acknowledge that this could simply just be me, but that is the impression I get. The strange thing that has occurred in my church membership is that I have been brought so low and yet so high at varying times. It makes me feel really good at times but when I feel good it is usually because of something or someone outside of myself. And probably 99% of the time when I feel bad it is because of me. Those kind of experiences don't encourage confidence. I need to figure it out.

I start law school in a couple of days. I am hoping that I stop being a slacker and develop my gifts. I know that I could memorize every case I read and the judges opinions on them without much effort, but I just have to really like it to do it and even then it is not an automatic success. I still love the scriptures but I haven't been memorizing and studying them like I should be.

We talked today about how we are like cement. When we are created we are malleable and we can be made into amazing things. But once we get to a certain point we set and we cannot be moved. Once cement has been set you must break it to change its shape. I think that is probably like us. God has given us the ability to form ourselves. Once we decide who and what we want to be there is no way he can change us without breaking us, which he won't do. So we must take special care to ensure that we are forming ourselves how we ought to and not cementing habits or mentalities that will need to be broken. How is our cement setting? I need to think more about my cement!

Post Secret

2008-07-27T08:17:00.002-06:00

So I am taking Post Secret off of my favorite websites. The first few times I went to it I loved the idea and didn't see anything really objectionable on the site. But wow, it has been pretty raunchy as of late. I think that the good it does is FAR OUTWEIGHED by the very objectionable content that it posts at times also.

So it gets the AX from my website.

Blogs, Journals, Friends, Choices

2008-07-27T08:08:00.002-06:00

So I have woken up early today! That doesn't happen very often with me. Even more strange is that I woke up and was not tired. I decided to do some early Sunday morning-spiritual-strengthening. It has been nice. I have listened to "Discipleship" and "Free to Choose" by Neal A. Maxwell. They are powerful addresses.

I also wrote in my journal. It is incredibly rewarding to write in it. I was thinking about the nature of both pieces of writing and I was somewhat struck at the differences and similarities.

My blog is not very intimate. I do bear my feelings and thoughts in it, I think more than the average blogger on a very public blog. But I don't go very deep, at least not as deep as my journal. In my journal I am more likely to bear my soul. I don't even let Kylee read my journal. I wouldn't be upset if I ever found out that she had, but I ask her not to, at least not in the same year that I write it. You see, I keep my journal on my computer. I write in it and add pictures to the days that I am writing about . I print it out once a year and have it spiral bound and put plastic cover sheets on the front and back. It is very inexpensive and I write in it much more because it is on my computer and I hate writing the normal, hand written way. So, anyway, I don't care if Kylee reads previous years writings, I just don't want her to read current posts. It is too intimate, and I bear too much in them, for her to write in it. In my journal I mostly write about my attempts to follow God. I write about events and similar things also, just to keep a family history, but it is mostly my peaks and valleys that I experience in the hike to find God. It clearly outlines both successes and failures.

My blog, however, is not as intimate. I write mostly about things that I am thinking about. It isn't as personal. I write a blog mostly to have discussion about things that I am thinking about. I love comments and love some good, lively debate. It is a way to network with the people that I enjoy discussing things with.

It would be fascinating to see what would happen if I made my blog as personal as my journal. I am not going to do that, but I would be fascinated to see the outcome.

On another note, we went to Dan and Cindy's house yesterday with Sam and Becky. It was fun. I think about when we were first married, and none of us had kids and we hung out then. It was so different. We are still hanging out now, but our population has doubled. Each of us have two kids, a boy and a girl (we are all lucky, I know). Life turns out in ways that we never expect. Also, it seems to get sweeter with time. I think about our group of friends and marvel that all of us have made rather good choices. I can see it in our lives. I can sense, in the times we are together, that we are blessed. The Lord has been good to all of us. I hope we can continue to make good choices.

New Blog Layout and Picture

2008-07-24T17:09:00.002-06:00

I was getting really tired of the nasty brown blog template I was using and decided to change things up. I took a picture of me leaning against a wall and used photoshop to make it look a little different. I am going to continue messing around with it. I am trying to figure out how to get the text on the empty side of the picture but haven't spent much time messing with it yet.

I am going to try and come up with my own template and learn how to really mess around with blogger. I really want to end up just having my blog on my webpage www.matthewduff.com but I haven't figured out how to make it sweet yet. When I figure out how to mess with webpages more I am going to move it all over to that site. It should be quite the undertaking.

I am still messing with the picture of me, in a couple of weeks I am going to have it a little more fancy looking.

What do you guys think?

Some Songs that I am Liking Right Now (Lyrics)

2008-07-22T23:11:00.002-06:00

So I think all of these songs have something in them that make me really love them. I have been listening to them all quite regularly lately. Comments on any of them would be welcomed.

Patty Griffin- "You Are Not Alone"

She sees him laying in the bed alone tonight
The only thing a touching him is a crack of light
Pieces of her hair are wrapped around and 'round his fingers
And he reaches for her side, for any sign of her that lingers

And she says you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight

One of them bullets went straight for the jugular vein
There were people running , a flash of light
Then everything changed
Nothing really matters in the end you know
All the worrys sever
Don't be afraid for me my friend, one day we all fall down forever

And you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight

The wedding date was June just like any other bride
She loved him like no one before and it was good to be alive
But sometimes that can slip away as fast
As any fingers through your hands
So you let time forgive the past and go and make some other plans

And you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight
You are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight

Jane's Addiction- "Jane Says"

Jane says
I'm done with Sergio
He treats me like a ragdoll
She hides
The television
Says I don't owe him nothing,
But if he comes back again
Tell him to wait right here for me
Or just
Try again tomorrow
I'm gonna kick tomorrow
Gonna kick tomorrow

Jane says
Have you seen my wig around?
I feel naked without it
She knows
They all want her to go
But that's O.K. man
She dont like them anyway
Jane says
She's goin away to spain
When she gets my money saved
I'm gonna start tomorrow
I'm gonna kick tomorrow
Gonna kick tomorrow

She gets mad
Starts to cry
She takes a swing but
She cant hit
She don't mean no harm
She just don't know
What else to do about it

Jane goes
To the store at 8:00
She walk up on St. Andrews
She waits
And gets her dinner there
She pulls her dinner
From her pocket
Jane says
I've never been in love
I don't know what it is
Only knows if someone wants her
I want them if they want me
I only know they want me

She gets mad
And she starts to cry
She takes a swing man
She cant hit!
She don't mean no harm
She just dont know
What else to do about it

Jane says
Jane says

Red Hot Chili Peppers- "Soul to Squeeze"

I got a bad disease,
Up from my brain is where I bleed.
In sanity it seems,
Is got me by my soul to squeeze.
Well all the love from me,
With all these dying trees I scream.
The angels in my dreams,
Have turned to demons of greed,
Thats me.

Where I go I just dont know,
I got to, got to, gotta take it slow.
When I find my piece of mind,
Im gonna give you some of my good time.

Today loves smile on me,
It took away my pain, said please
All that you ride is free,
You gotta let it be,
Oh ya.

Where I go I just dont know,
I got to, gotta, gotta take it slow.
When I find my piece of mind,
Im gonna give you some of my good time.

Youre so polite indeed,
Well I got everything I need.
Oh make my days a breeze,
And take away my self destruction.

Its bitter baby,
And its very sweet.
Im on a rollercoaster,
But Im on my feet.
Take me to the river,
Let me on your shore.
I be coming back baby,
I be coming back for more.

Doo doo doo doo dingle zing a dong bone,
Ba-di ba-da ba-zumba crunga cong gone bad,
Like an apple gift but I went out and never said my pleasures
Im much better but I wont regret it never

Where I go I just dontt know,
I got to, got to, gotta take it slow.
When I find my piece of mind,
Im gonna give you some of my good time.

Where I go I just dont know,
I might end up somewhere in mexico.
When I find my piece of mind,
Im gonna keep for the end of time!

Death Cab for Cutie- "Soul Meets Body"

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Brad Paisley- "Find Yourself"

When you find yourself
In some far off place
And it causes you to rethink some things
You start to sense that slowly
You're becoming someone else
And then you find yourself

When you make new friends in a brand new town
And you start to think about settlin' down
The things that would have been lost on you
Are now clear as a bell
And you find yourself
Yeah that's when you find yourself

Where you go through life
So sure of where you’re headin'
And you wind up lost and it's
The best thing that could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that’s when you find yourself

When you meet the one
That you've been waitin' for
And she's everything that you want and more
You look at her and you finally start to live for some one else
And then you find yourself
That’s when you find yourself

When we go through life
So sure of where we're headin'
And we wind up lost and it's
The best thing that could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that's when you find yourself

Kylee has a Family Blog

2008-07-21T08:48:00.004-06:00

So Kylee has posted a new family blog. I was good at writing about things that I think about, but I wasn't very good at giving updates with the family. So Kylee took over responsibility for that. This is the address:

www.duffupdate.blogspot.com

Enjoy!

Cell Phone Costs

2008-07-01T20:42:00.003-06:00

Cell phones are starting to make me very upset. I love how useful they are, and I love all the things that they can do, but I am tired of paying for them.

I sat down today and figured out that I spend about 1500 dollars a year on cell phones. That is a staggering amount of money. Now that is also with two phones for 1400 minutes a month. We never go over our minutes, in fact, we have quite a few rollover minutes that have added up. They are amazingly convenient also. For instance, we have an old car that tends to not work rather frequently. When that happens, and it has happened in extremely remote areas before, we just call someone and have them pick us up. If we didn't have a cell phone we would be trying to flag down strangers that are driving by-not an appealing option, especially with a wife and two kids.

But can I justify spending 1500 dollars a year on phones? It seems like it is hard to do. I have an iPhone. It brings that cost of the phone up 20$ a month to have the internet and 200 text messages and all the other nice stuff. It is an incredibly convenient device. Sam and I went to Denver last month and it was very nice to pull out the phone and get directions to wherever we were going.

This is more venting than anything. It just seems like 1500 dollars is way too much for a phone for one year. Let's say our plan was half as many minutes and half as much money, would it be worth it even then? We don't have a house phone, so we do save about 35$ a month there. Life is just incredibly expensive. I wish we didn't feel that cell phones are a necessity now.

Which brings up another point. I receive about 15 emails a day during the school year. Those are the emails that I have to respond to where someone is asking me a question or doing something similar. It makes life incredibly convenient to have a phone that lets me answer them from the spot. Does my phone actually make me money? I am starting law school soon, do you think that it will become more and more useful as time goes on? I think it may.

Computers

2008-06-21T08:20:00.002-06:00

I really want a nice, new computer. I have been making digital copies of my movies lately and it takes me about an hour and fifty minutes to get a movie onto the computer. I used a computer at work yesterday and it took about forty five minutes. That kind of speed is hard to ignore. I really want the new iMac. Those are incredible computers. They are sleek, they are an all-in-one so the whole computer is in the screen, and they are FAST compared to my little Macbook.

Also, when I am at school I take the computer, which makes it hard for Kylee. We shall see! I really want one, but will have to weigh out the pros and cons.

Rated R Movies

2008-06-18T23:05:00.002-06:00

Wow, I haven't written for a long time! I have been a slacker lately. I would say that I have been really busy, and I have, but that isn't a good reason. I found time to do other stuff, like watch tv, so clearly I had some time during the recent month. I just didn't post anything, I am not sure why?

Kylee and I had a discussion about Rated R movies today. About whether or not it is alright to watch them. I am torn right now. I am probably leaning on the side of watching some of them but I am not willing to jump ship right now and take the plunge. I tend to think that whenever I am about to make a decision that can dictate my path in life I try to sleep on it before doing it. So although I am leaning towards watching them, I want to give myself some time to change my mind if I decide it isn't the right path.

I, unlike Kylee, don't think that they took the "no Rated-R" part out of the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet by accident. I have heard about how much the leadership POURS over each word whenever they publish something, so I have a hard time thinking it was accidental. So, if it wasn't accidental, why did they leave it out? I think the COMPLETE reason they took it out is so people don't rely on rating systems to govern what they watch. I think before they thought it to be a good standard, like the Word of Wisdom, that all can obey and the average person would be better off by following it. But I think they are thinking now that it would be better if they instituted a different general standard: you use the Spirit to govern what you think is appropriate. I think if they still thought ALL Rated-R movies were wrong they would absolutely not take that part out of the FTSOY pamphlet. They would have just added the Spirit part in there (which was already in there). It seems like they might acknowledge that there can be good in Rated-R movies.

I have heard the argument that clearly any Rated-R movie has something wrong in it. I don't agree with that. There are some things that are not suitable for minors. Now clearly I am not talking about things that are innately wrong, but about things that are too mature for youngsters. For instance, a ten year old probably should not be introduced to any discussions about masturbation. On the other hand, this would be a suitable discussion for an adult as long as it was not passing it off as appropriate or right or treating it in a sensational way. There are some things that young people are not mature enough to deal with. A young child should not see Schindler's List, just on account of the subject matter itself, but an adult can process the atrocities of war and not be too immature to deal with it. Again, I am not saying adults can handle subjecting themselves to evil and children can't, I am saying that there are things that younger people can not deal with because they cannot process it right yet. A child should not hear about someone getting gang-raped, but an adult can hear about that and deal with the the situation.

I think it is the overall message of a movie that is important. For instance, Titanic's message is that overwhelming love overcomes everything and anything is okay to give up in order to possess this all-encompassing love. That is a bad message, and the nudity that is in the movie has nothing to do with love, and it also shows the ridiculousness of the relationship. Their love was so immature that they couldn't even show restraint in their physical relationship. Also, is any sexual relationship worth even the chance of having a kid out of wedlock, and especially in a completely unstable relationship? I don't believe so. This movie, and others like it, have a completely irredeemable message.

But there are movies that offer a great message. A Time to Kill is one of these movies to me. It has nothing of a sexual nature that is inappropriate, it has a scene of a tragic rape and shooting, and that is the only objectionable material. It does have a description of a rape that is necessary for the movie, and this scene gives context for the theme of the movie. It had a great message. The benefit that you derive from this movie in leading you to become a better person outweighs the negative to me. And if we give movies credit for being able to lead us astray, lets also give the opposite kind of credit--they can lead us to greatness too, they can inspire and uplift. This movie does this. A movie can have bad in it but still have more good to make it worthwhile.

Another example, my parents both swore/swear. I subject myself to vulgar language at times when I am around them. Should I not participate in this relationship because of the vulgar language? I don't think so! I get far more good out of this relationship than bad. It can be the same for movies. The movies can have a message that inspires you to be better (again, acknowledge the reverse of media's power to sway people in the wrong direction) and much good can overcome a little bad.

So, like I said, I will sleep on it, probably for many nights. But I am just mulling it over. I think there are some movies that are Rated-R that offer more good than bad and can influence me to be a better person. But I am not sure, and I acknowledge that Satan moves us in degrees and can give us ten truths to make us swallow one lie. So I will put some spiritual effort into finding out what it right for me.

Seeds and the Book of Mormon

2008-05-23T09:14:00.003-06:00

I wanted this to be a separate post from the last one.

Seeds are the strength of the Book of Mormon, whatever a person thinks about he will become. When a person reads the Book of Mormon he is forced to think about the things he is reading about. Therefore, a person reading the Book of Mormon can't help but take inventory of his life, or decide if he wants to live the kind of life the Book of Mormon espouses. Not only that, but he is forced to figure out if the man that the book preaches about, Jesus Christ, is the kind of man he would like to emulate.

So seeds are being nourished when a person reads the Book of Mormon. How could a person read Alma 5 and not ask himself some questions about how he is living his life? How can a person read about Ammon and King Lamoni and not ask himself if he would be willing to be a servant for others to help them come unto Christ? It is impossible not to--if we don't caste out the thought, and the seed, as we read.

I don't believe there is anything magical about the Book of Mormon. I don't think that its pages are laced with super natural powers that make us better as we read them, at least not for me. I just know, from personal experience, that when I read the book I am confronted with seeds that can make me better if I think about them and do something with them. To me, that is the strength of the Book of Mormon, it makes you take inventory of your life and puts incredibly good seeds in your heart.

And, at a later time, we can discuss how putting bad seeds in your heart, like watching inappropriate media can put horribly destructive seeds in your heart. But that is for a later time, I wanted to talk about a very good seed.

Seeds

2008-05-23T08:56:00.004-06:00

I have been thinking about seeds lately. More and more I think that whatever a person really thinks about, he will become. I already knew this, and have heard many addresses about it, but I am thinking about how true it really is lately.

Whatever thought we let stay in our mind is what we will become. Pretty much, if we have any thought enter our head and we don't chase it out or dwell we become that thought. Likewise, if we have a good thought, and we don't dwell on it we will not become what that thought is.

A few instances for example: if a person has a thought to become better, to change their life, and the thought enters their head, they have a choice. Either they can make themselves think about it until they figure it out or they can have it escape their heads. For an example, let's say someone has the thought enter their head "I don't feel the Spirit when I do ______" This person has two options (maybe more, but you know what I mean). They can either think about that thought until they choose not to do that action again, or they can just brush it off. When people brush off promptings like that they are in trouble. But if they choose to do something about it, and they think about it until they realize that they need to change and commit to change, that is when they receive power to change. The seed of a thought, if nourished, can produce a mighty change.

Another example: I think this is very applicable to homosexuality. I spend a good deal of time with people that are very . . . seemingly backwoodsy. If anyone does something strange they say it is gay or something a "homo thing to do." It is rather ridiculous. But I think if a kid is growing up and he may be a little more feminine than others (or what we consider to be feminine) he is labeled as gay. I think this does damage because he will have people continually telling him that he is gay, thereby reinforcing a question that has possibly popped into his mind at many times. So, somewhat unknowingly, the boy or girl could have his or her peers reinforcing, and nourishing, a seed that they are trying to caste out of their life. The more we are told or think something the more we become that thing. It is the same if we call someone stupid all the time, we are actually nourishing a very devastating seed for someone else. I think many people believe themselves to be gay because they have been told that all their life, and they didn't just caste out that seed whenever someone says it to them. Or someone thinks they are stupid for similar reasons. Maybe their ability to reason around what people are saying didn't last long enough. Maybe they couldn't convince themselves with a good argument that they are not stupid, or gay (not that they are related) and so they just begin to believe it.

It also works the other way though. There are very good seeds to, as Alma 32 demonstrates. Their can be seeds of faith the develop into incredible faith and maybe even testimony. There is also seeds of encouragement. A mother telling her small child that he can accomplish anything will be her nourishing a seed that one day may grow inside him. It will be hard for a child to get out of his head what he hears continually. And, whatever we think in our hearts is what we will truly become. Someone cannot become great if they always are thinking they are mediocre. Likewise, someone cannot become truly wrong if they always immediately caste out any thought that would bring them down that path. It is impossible. You have to think of something to become that thing.

Pretty much, whatever you think about, you will become that thing. Our mind is incredibly powerful.

Laws of the Land

2008-05-16T08:49:00.003-06:00

I haven't been writing very often lately. I apologize. It makes me feel bad when I see I had thirty hits in one day but nobody had a new post to read.

I don't want to forget about what I want to write about, but I also don't have the time to post it right now. So I am going to just start this thread and then come back and write it later.

The thread is going to be about obeying the laws of the land. As you would probably guess, I am not always in favor. I will explain myself though, lest you believe me to be a heretic (I am not, don't worry :)

Alright, so here is the blog:

I just don't think laws are to always be obeyed. I think they are to serve people, not the other way around.

Before people start quoting the Articles of Faith, which I agree with, I want to bring their attention to a few examples. It is clearly the belief of our people that the American Revolution was inspired by God. We broke the law and rebelled against the government of the time.

Also, there are times when people have broken the law in scripture also. Alma the Elder's people broke the laws of their captors when they were in servitude. The law was that they could not pray. So they just prayed in their hearts and not out loud--still breaking the law.

Another example can be the early polygamous leaders. They fled persecution from polygamy during the early days to avoid prosecution and persecution for something they did not believe to be wrong.

So we do believe in obeying the law, insomuch as the law does not go against anything we believe in. If it goes against something we believe in, like prayer, we do not obey.

I had this conversation at work the other day. One of my coworkers was saying that if you are required by your country to commit crimes you are not held accountable to God for those actions. I disagreed. In his example he said that if our government made a law that made it so we had to kill a certain group of people we would not be held accountable if we were part of their ranks and committed the crimes also. I adamantly disagreed. I think we would absolutely be held accountable.

The only purpose of the law is to create safety and order--that is it. I highly value these commodities that the law provide us. In fact, I obey the law in the vast majority of instances just to keep order and safety. But there are times that I do not obey the law. For instance, in Provo, Utah there is an overpass at the mouth of the Provo Canyon. I am always taking a left underneath that overpass. There is a light there that directs the traffic. If you are wanting to take a left to go West and the light is red and there are no cars you are required by law to wait it out. I just can't do that. If I am the first car there, and I KNOW that there are no cars coming and it would be IMPOSSIBLE for a car wreck to happen, I go. Kylee does not appreciate this. But I want the law to serve me, not the other way around.

I do believe in the article of faith. I believe that we are to obey the law, and I do, but there are some things that are ridiculous. I think the danger can be if we become presumptuous and think that we know situations that we really don't we can danger many people. I would have to be incredibly confidant that no cars could hit me, or I couldn't cause others to get hit, by running a light. It is a sticky subject, because we don't want to be run by the law but we also have to acknowledge that the law can help us with situations that we don't know much about. So I break the law very infrequently.

Pictures and Mother's Day and Another New Ward

2008-05-11T08:22:00.005-06:00

So I can't post any pictures, it isn't letting me. It is incredibly annoying.

Also, holidays are strange for me. By and large, holidays were just another day at my house growing up. Christmas and our birthday were special, more special than normal days, but other holidays were not an ordeal at all. Kylee had an entirely different experience growing up and holidays are huge for her. It requires a conscious effort on my part to satisfy her need for a good holiday, because I don't really care about them at all.

I am thinking about getting a Canon Rebel XTI today. I am rather excited about it. I want to be able to take incredible pictures, and I think the Rebel can do just that. My mom has one and I loved using it. Hopefully it is worth the 689$ I am going to be spending for it and two lenses. We shall see.

We are in a new ward again. I like it. It is a married ward at BYU--our last one! I have really liked being in these wards, and I think for summer it will be great, but I am SO EXCITED to go to church outside of Utah. It is going to be great. Makayla had a post on her blog about going to church in London and it reminded me of how much I like authentic testimonies when people are not trying to portray an image (as much). It should be a great time. Also, that will be the end, hopefully, or transition wards. We will possibly be in our next ward for three years, so I won't have the feeling that we are just visitors there.

Death

2008-05-07T03:03:00.002-06:00

There are many things I could write about, I haven't written in a very long time. I could write about how I graduated, how I love Spring and Summer and despise Winter, or many other things. But something else is on my mind.

This post is going to be rather personal, so bear with me and if you aren't interested in knowing my personal thoughts, don't continue reading.

I was writing in my journal tonight and there is a media browser on Macs that lets you drag and drop your photos into word processing documents. I saw a picture of my Dad in the media browser. It was a picture of him and my Mom dancing at my wedding reception. I haven't really looked at pictures of my Dad very often since he passed away in December because it always makes me cry. I can't explain it. It isn't just his passing or missing him that makes me do it. There is something else. When I look at pictures of my Father it just leaves me with so many questions.

After I saw this one picture of my Father I started looking for others. I saw a picture of my Dad holding my brother and me on his lap when I was about 7 and Alex was about 9. We are all smiling quite large. I imagine my Dad enjoyed that picture of his two boys. He probably would look at that picture with pride when it was developed. He probably imagined a time when we would be older, when he would be older, and how much he would enjoy those times. It is just interesting to think about. There was another picture of our family when Alex and me were both younger than probably six. I wonder what dreams my parents had, what they imagined life would turn out like? I wonder if they had any inclinations that Dad would pass away before he turned 60?

I just have such strange feelings about death. Before my Father passed away I would have readily said that death isn't a big deal, it is just moving on from one existence to another. I still believe that, I know that is the case. But there is a feeling in my that just makes me feel something more about it. There are feelings of hope, loneliness, joy, sadness--they run the gambit of emotions. I realize when I think about death how much more I need to learn. How much more wisdom I need to gather in life before I really understand this existence.

I think my Dad is around. He knows what is happening. I think he is where he would be most comfortable right now, wherever that may be. I also believe that I will see him again. And notwithstanding all these feelings there is still another feeling I can't quite put my finger on. The separation is strange. I can't put it into words.

All these thoughts just make me have one conclusion though--you just have to live the best you can. You must improve on life. That is all that matters, how much you touched the lives of others for good. I just want to be the best me I can be. That sounded like a bad Army commercial, but it is really what I think. I really hope I can give Kylee the husband and best friend that she deserves, I hope that I can give Mikelle and Jonah the best father they can get. I want to be incredibly close with them. I just want to help. I can do so much more to accomplish this.

Sorry, this was a random post. I really wrote this for me rather than for the readers. Get out of it, or disregard, what you will.

I will try to post a little more frequently now. I would be lying to say I didn't have the time recently, I just have done other things instead. But I have realized how therapeutic writing is.

Stealing!

2008-04-22T18:23:00.005-06:00

I don't do it, generally. I definitely have though. Especially when I was young--middle school age. And I have never stolen from an individual, only a company. I went on a "something for nothing" kick for a while. It was dumb, but that isn't what we are talking about.

We are talking about music and movies here, and digital copies at that. As of right now I don't steal them, I have at one point done this, but I do not now. I don't burn music that is not mine and I don't burn, or copy, movies that are not mine. I really want to though. I have a couple differing opinions on the matter.

I can't stand when you watch a movie and they have the warning about stealing digital content at the beginning. It says, "you wouldn't steal a car would you? You wouldn't steal a purse would you? Then why would you steal a movie! It is the same thing!" I don't agree that it is the same thing at all. In all of the previous examples that they give if you took that possession from someone the other person would not have the possession any longer. When you burn a CD that isn't yours you do not take that possession from someone else so only you can have it. You actually make the work of the artist or director more viewable to more people. You duplicate a copy of it. As a smart person I know once said "Dang straight, if I could burn a copy of a car I would definitely do it and not feel bad." I agree with her--I would burn a car if I could also. You are not removing the right of anyone else to own the copy of music if you burn it, you are actually letting more people have the opportunity of owning it.

Now you may say that you are depriving the person who spent their time making the work of money. This is true overall, you are depriving them of money. I have heard the argument that it is okay to do it if you would not have bought the album anyway. I don't completely disagree with that, but I do think there is a principle that implies that if you weren't willing to fork over money to get it you shouldn't have the right of owning it. I probably agree with that also.

I think the best argument against burning CDs and DVDs is that it is stealing. No matter how we justify it the fact remains that you are obtaining something that has property rights associated with it and taking it without purchasing those rights of ownership. This is stealing, plain and simple. Again, I have done it, so I hope you don't think I am trying to be holier than thou, but it is stealing.

Now this is where the situation gets muddy for me. I think there is something to be said about forcing industries to respond to both the needs of the customers and consumers and also, and more importantly, technology. The recording and music industries have a bad business model right now. The current business model worked great for people back in the day when a person didn't have the financial resources to spend tons of money on making the actual copies of CDs or even records. But now a person could submit their recording to iTunes and receive the vast majority of the money and not really need a middle man like a record company. They need to rethink the way they distribute music and movies. Most importantly, I think if more and more people steal music and DVDs they will have to change the way they do business to meet the needs of the consumers. And remember, we are not actually depriving people of the CD when we duplicate it, so the heart of one of the Ten Commandments, hurting another person, isn't happening.

Here is an example of a different business model:

http://www.news.com/8301-10784_3-9811013-7.html

And here is an example of how that same model started to change things:

In the article it talks about how Radiohead bypassed the record label and released their own album. They also let people CHOOSE how much they wanted to pay for it, and getting it free was an option. Some are guessing that Radiohead didn't actually lose that much money. Without needing to pay a record label they probably did close to as well, also they permitted more people to obtain their music, probably increasing the amount of people who will see them on tour. Suddenly concerts could be the big money maker, not the albums that are released. I think people stealing their music, and the amount of money they lost to the label, encouraged them to pursue this course. It seems to be working rather well for all parties (well, except for the record label, but I hope they go out of business. And that isn't mean, how many of you are bemoaning the fact that the typewriter business bellied up as you type on your computer?). Radiohead has now, as the second article attests to, stopped releasing the album for free. But the nice thing about the experiment is that it showed that if people keep stealing albums the music industry will be forced to refigure the way they do things. That makes me want to steal.

So I dont' know how I feel about stealing. Well, I know how I feel about stealing, but I don't know about copying digital content. I want to not steal but I also want companies to change their business model and meet our needs. And I don't think they will change the model unless they start making far less money. Also, it is non-violent resistance to record label tyranny (okay, I agree, that was pushing it).

I would love comments. You can even leave the comment, to which I would agree, that stealing is stealing, plain and simple. But hopefully you will write a more detailed argument one way or another. Remember, my biggest reason to steal is that it really doesn't hurt anyone, at least not to a degree to which it matters.

Wavering in my "They Don't Matter Stance!"

2008-04-19T22:53:00.003-06:00

So the University of Denver emailed me yesterday. They decided to up my scholarship money to 20,000$ a year. It was at 15,000$ before. I called last week and asked them for more money. I didn't have much of a reason to, I just wanted to pay less for law school. I thought it wouldn't hurt--it's not like they would take the previously offered money away. So they told me they would get back to me and I got that email yesterday. I am very grateful for it. I was rather excited.

You would think that this would further my opinion that my grades don't matter anymore. I have been accepted, I assume (hopefully) that I will graduate, and you only have to pass your classes to graduate. I have been saying all semester that I was attending school for fun this semester (for the first time) and not just for grades. I also declared that I didn't care what grades I received. I think I was partly right/partly wrong.

You see, I am taking Spanish 205 this semester. I took Spanish 102 two years ago. I had a hard semester and received a B in Spanish 102. Then BYU's Spanish Department decided to change the program and make 101 and 102 for people who had no Spanish in high school and made 105 and 106 the equivalent for people who had had lots of Spanish before going to college. So I would have then went to Spanish 201 and then 202 and then 205 to graduate, because you need to reach Spanish 205 to fulfill the foreign language requirement. Well, having a class every day in college seems rather ridiculous. Especially when the rest of your schedule is set up for alternating days and you have to fit in class everyday for just one class. Not to mention also that I pretty much didn't work last year so I could study for the LSAT (good choice, judging by my scholarship) and decided that this year I was going to actually make some money to pay for my wife and two children. So fitting in a class everyday was impossible.

So I had to skip 105, 106 and jump right to 205. The jump was way too high for me. I fell way behind in the class.

Getting to my point--I took a Spanish test today and was depressed. I have never done really bad in a college class. In fact, I think over 70 of my first 95 credits were in the A range. So this semester is making me think differently. It is just depressing to get that many problems wrong on a test. Also, I failed a good amount of classes in high school and only achieved an a in one class for one semester my whole high school career. The one A was also gym class. So I was a horrible student. I am familiar with failing. But I realized I am a different person now than then--in many ways. I just don't like to fail. It has made me somewhat depressed all day. In fact, while riding in my car to school today I was thinking "dang, I am so blessed, this is exactly how I always hoped life would be." I was on cloud nine (how did that expression come about?). Then the Spurs beat the Suns, and I hate the Spurs, and then I bombed my test. I was feeling down from then on.

For some reason even when getting good grades doesn't matter, it actually does matter to me. I just don't know why. People will probably leave comments about how doing your best always is important. I don't buy that. If it really doesn't matter if you get good grades or not then it really doesn't matter. I am willing to hear the arguments though as to why it does, I just haven't heard any good ones yet. But it does matter for self-esteem, I just like to do well when I do things.

Anyway, I am learning new things every day. I think this experience will teach me that I need to do well no matter how much things matter. I admit this grudgingly, because I really don't think it does matter. But for some reason peace does not come to me when I am doing poorly.

Lessons learned.

Also, I am amazed at how quickly my happiness/peace can change. I don't feel bad very often, so when I do it really catches me off guard.

10:30 in Periodicals and People are Studying Away

2008-04-17T22:32:00.002-06:00

Finals are a scary time. Even the deepest recesses of the library are still full at 10:30. The library is open until 2am for finals. Students show quite a good amount of dedication. I want to leave pretty badly, but I have lots of Spanish to do.

Only about three or four more days of this and then I am done for the WHOLE SUMMER! I am really with anticipation.

On a Lighter Note

2008-04-15T01:02:00.004-06:00

Okay so this is how this conversation went:

Walmart Employee: “Hello 'dis Walmarts, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.”
Walmart Employee: “Whatchu want on the cake?”
Customer: “Best Wishes Suzanne.” And underneath that “We will miss you”.

The Second Are Things Evil or Are Attitudes Evil

2008-04-14T22:22:00.004-06:00

I am vacillating somewhat now on my stance. I have spoken with many people about it and there is just something about actually doing an act that changes the dynamic. I have been thinking about this scripture a lot for the last couple of days and I think there is something to it that has to do with this situation I have been pondering about. Here is the scripture:

2 Ne. 2: 21
And the days of the children of men were prolonged, according to the will of God, that they might repent while in the flesh; wherefore, their state became a state of probation, and their time was lengthened, according to the commandments which the Lord God gave unto the children of men. For he gave commandment that all men must repent; for he showed unto all men that they were lost, because of the transgression of their parents.

Now I know this scripture isn't exactly the same, but for some reason I was thinking this has a lot to do with what I was pondering about. Let me give an example of the trouble that I was having mentally.

Let's say you have two men. They have been raised exactly the same, same opportunities, same everything. Both of the men want to have an adulterous affair. I am not talking about the thoughts that pop into anyone's head and they can't control those type, I am saying those random thoughts pop up in their head and the dwell on them and they actually want to cheat on their spouse. Now let's say that one of them does, and the other one wants to but never has the chance. Is the one that actually did it in more trouble? If they are standing before God is God more lenient on the one that didn't do it because he couldn't find an opportunity to than he is the other? I have a hard time saying he is more lenient just because the guy couldn't find the opportunity. I was thinking that if God condemns the person who didn't just as much as the person that did commit the act then it couldn't really be the act that was the determining factor, it had to have been the attitude.

But I don't know if I agree anymore with myself :) I was thinking about this last night (after a two hour conversation with my father-in-law) while laying in bed and I realized I think it is different. The reason I do is because of that scripture--the person who didn't commit the act still has days left in his probation--HE HASN"T COMMITTED the act, so there is still hope (not that there isn't HOPE if he did, but you know what I mean). He can still avoid the act. Now granted, that does change the scenario with my two theoretical guys because the premise is that they both WANT to commit the act. But I just have to acknowledge that when you commit the act the situation is different--for some reason. My point before was that it was the heart of the perpetrator that is at issue with God, and I still think that is true, but something changes when you actually commit the sin.

I really don't know how to put into words what I am thinking. I really wanted to be right--spiritually--on this point, so I have been praying a lot about it lately and asking God to help me recognize the truth. Maybe this is what Joseph Smith meant when he said something to the effect of "revelation is when your heart tells your mind something your mind does not know." I think that is what I am feeling now--there is something significant about actually doing the act. I still have all the troubles with making my impression and my thoughts meet, but that is what I think.

If anyone has any insights I would love to hear them. The problem is I can't articulate what I am thinking enough to make it make sense to others. For some reason it is coming off that I am trying to justify action, when I am actually saying thoughts are as condemning as actions (although this whole post is that I don't really believe that anymore). But help me out, if you can. I would love to talk about it in person if that can be arranged with anyone.

Either way, I think the Spirit has whispered to me that action changes the game, even though your heart might want to do something, actually doing it makes it even worse. That makes sense when I write it, but for some reason thinking about it makes it so it doesn't make sense. Posting on this has made me realize more about revelation. I think this is the first time when my mind REALLY didn't think something but I just know the truth is the opposite of what I am thinking.

Interesting...

My Favorite Professors

2008-04-11T00:17:00.002-06:00

BYU has great professors. I have been very impressed with about 98% of the teachers that I have had. If a person really wants to learn BYU is a great place to do this.

But there have been some teachers that I think are exceptional. I would like to give them a somewhat public thank you for what they have done for me and for what they have taught me.

Aaron Eastley
He was one of my favorites. Mostly, I just love his passion. I think some people teach because they don't know what else they want to do, but Prof Eastley seems like he sincerely loves teaching. Also, I like how you know exactly what he expects. There were never any surprises with him. I think he had some good perspectives on what makes good literature (I disagree with him on one point though, while Virginia Woolf was undoubtedly very influential and helped shaped much of what we read today, she is not enjoyable to read. He and I have very different feelings about Mrs. Woolf). Also, for the most part, I really liked the literature he chose for us to read. I had him twice and both reading selections were spot on for me. Also, I think he is exactly the kind of teacher that BYU would want to hire.

Daniel Muhlestein
In every way just exceptional. When I think about what kind of a professor I would want to be if I ever became one I think of Dan Muhlestein. I really liked how we dealt with the meat of issues in his class. Also, I think many of my teachers weren't that many steps above me in skill (that sounds cocky but it wasn't meant to). But Dan Muhlestein was heads and shoulders above me. I can't even hold a candle to how well he knows and can describe theory.

Gloria Cronin
She asks hard questions (Muhlestein does also). She is great at analyzing life too. I think I am better at pondering as a result of her. But probably her greatest contribution to me personally was that she made me write much better. Most teachers just grade your paper and then hand it back. It definitely takes less effort. But Dr. Cronin went the extra mile and almost demanded that we become better writers. She would hand back my paper and go over it with me until I got it. She really cared about what we were becoming, instead of just grading our papers to find out how skilled we were when we arrived at our class (which is most teachers approach). She is just incredibly invested in teaching.

Steven Walker
He is just amazing. I think one of the reasons that I like Steve Walker so much is because I think I think like he does, and we usually like people that are like us. He shared a scripture in class today, the one about the two people who approach the temple and one says how righteous he is and the other "wouldn't even so much as lift his head up, but smote his breast and cried, 'Oh God, forgive me a sinner." That is my favorite scripture, and judging by Professor Walker's comments on it he loves it too. I think we have similar views on things. That could be why I like him so much, he likes the things I like and he has the same feelings I do. But he also just loves his students and tries his best to help them.

Kent Brooks
I TA for Brother Brooks. He is just an incredible person. I think he is one of the most Christlike people I have met. He has been a great help for me. And overall I wasn't very impressed with the religion teachers at BYU, but I thought he was incredible. I had his class before I TAed for it. Mostly, in his class I felt the Spirit every day. He taught with the Spirit in a profound way that touched my heart. Also, I grade all the journals that students pass in. I always think of how much of an incredible asset Brother Brooks is when I grade them because I read how much he touches people's heart and helps them improve their lives and relationships with others. I value my association with him a great deal. Also, he is patient with me :)

And that isn't the end of the list of teachers I thought were good, but those were probably my favorites. I really liked Keith Johnson also but I want to go to bed. There are others too. My Spanish teacher now is pretty amazing. But I just wanted to give them a little recognition.

It is strange that I am graduating. It has gone by so quickly. I feel so blessed to have been able to go to a great school and learn so much. Education truly liberates people. I am going to miss taking classes at BYU and associating with great professors.

Kylee and the Kids

2008-04-08T10:38:00.007-06:00

I just love them so much!

I am just amazed at how good of a person Kylee is. I have spoken with a lot of people about their divorces. One such conversation a couple of weeks ago made me really laugh. Someone knew another person who just got divorced. He said that he got divorced because after he and his wife got married she went crazy. I laughed vocally, which probably wasn't the best thing to do. Not that this doesn't legitimately happen in some cases--it does--but I just think that is what every divorced person says. You always hear about how the other person went crazy and was too difficult to live with. Anyway, that wasn't my purpose in bringing this up.

If Kylee and I ever got divorced (God forbid) I don't think I could ever say anything like that. In fact, I think if we ever did get divorced I would say "I really messed that up." Mostly because Kylee is just an incredible person. I think, most likely, I know her better than anyone else on earth and I would have to acknowledge that she is almost by all accounts a very righteous person.

On a funny side note, she does have one sin that she does pretty consistently (I don't want to sound too biased :) Kylee exaggerates in an incredible way. If we are arguing, we have done this once or twice, she will exaggerate to make her point stronger. We all do it, so I don't think I am calling her out or anything, but she does it a lot. The funny thing is that she does it even when it doesn't matter. If she says,"I called you 8 times" I will look on my phone and it will say she called twice. Then she will say, "Yeah, it may have been twice!" I just think it is funny.

But, seriously, she is incredible. Where she really excels though is in being a mother. I have an incredible Mom, and she was amazing. I always knew growing up that my Mom loved me so much, I never even questioned it. And she was the incredible kind of Mom that would always try to make me think I could accomplish anything. Also, not only that, but my Mom would also let me know that her love was absolutely unconditional, which is how I think every mom should love. I knew her approval of me was conditional, but her love never was. I believe this helped me a great deal. It made me realize there was always someone in my corner. My Mom was just exactly the person I needed to become who I needed to become, and she still is.

And the thing that makes me so happy is that Kylee is just like my Mom. Kylee is incredible. Literally, Kylee's biggest concern is how good of a mother she is. I know that this is more important to her than houses, cars, jewelry, or anything else. She just wants to be a good Mom and wife and give our kids all she can. Also, as Elder Ballard said yesterday, being a Mom is incredibly demanding. She devotes all her time to the kids. I am learning to be more helpful and I try to give her breaks from them more often now, but even when I do, they are what she does all day. Already her sacrifices for her kids are amazing.

Sometimes I think Kylee deserves better than me. I think everyone has this impression at some points in their life about their spouse. But Kylee, to me, was God recognizing how hard I have tried to make my life right and she is the gift I received from God in return. Not that women are possessions that are given away, but you know what I mean :)

So I would be miserable if I ever lost her, through my own actions or something really sad like death. I used to think, when I acquired the "eternal prospective" that if I ever lost my wife it wouldn't be so bad. I thought this because I just thought "well, we are sealed, we will be together in the next life, I will just miss her." I know this isn't the case anymore. Marriage has given me a new perspective and taught me something about the depth of loss for a spouse. I think it would be incredibly hard to deal with the separation. There would be hope, but that hope would only slightly mitigate how I would miss her during the rest of my life.

This is somewhat an ode to Kylee. I have been thinking lately, "I just love her so much." She is incredible. And when I think about the two little kids that we have had, Mikelle and Jonah, I just feel unworthy to be so blessed. As much as I love Kylee, the interesting thing is that it had to be developed. I didn't love her this much when we first were married. In fact, in hindsight, I wouldn't even really call it love. When we were dating I just thought she was a really good person. When I was pondering about marrying her I can honestly say I never thought, "Oh, I just love her so much." My thoughts were more along the lines of "she is just such a good person and would be an incredible wife and mother. I just want to make sure that she is never out of my life." I know that isn't the Hollywood concept of love and romance, but it is the truth. I think the Hollywood style romance is fickle and always changing. Infatuation goes in spurts and waves. But the love that I have for her, my complete respect for the person that she is, isn't fading or fickle. You could say I married her on the promise of the life that we would have. It has worked out perfectly.

Also, I have realized that the more and more I serve her the more and more I love her. I pray that our love will grow very often, and the answer I always seem to get from God is to serve her. We love the things we serve. If we serve money and our job, then money will become what we truly love. If we serve a people as a missionary, we will come to love those people. And if Kylee and I serve each other and our kids, and devote our lives to each other and our children, then we will love each other and our children with a fierce love, which is what is happening. I realize that if I don't serve Kylee and help her around the house or with the kids, then I don't feel, actively, my love for her as much. She becomes more like a room mate and someone I share life with, not a wife. It wasn't like that with the kids as much. I think God establishes in us an automatic love for the children, especially in the woman. Although it might be because they do serve their children by being sick, carrying them for nine months, and childbirth. But even though I didn't do those things there was still a degree of automatic love for my kids. But this didn't exist when Kylee and I met. I chose to love her, and I continue to do so. I made a choice to love her. I am glad I made that choice.

Which brings me now to my biggest point. To me, marriage is something that is long-term. That seems intuitive, but I don't think people really think that. I remember when Kylee and I were married I knew we were never going to get divorced. I knew, although they didn't say this in the temple wedding ceremony, that it would be during "sickness and in health, for better or for worse." But even then, there were things I thought I would divorce her for if she ever did them. I would have never divorced her if she became paralyzed or something sad like that, but I would have divorced her if she cheated on me. But my thoughts on that have changed dramatically. I really think I would stay with her during the "better or for worse." I would stay with her even if she did cheat on me. Now I don't think it would be completely unconditional, for instance, if she was actively cheating on me and didn't want to stop, I would clearly divorce her. But you know what I mean. As long as she wants to be married to me I am there for her. I think that is what marriage is all about. When you get married you are saying in essence: I want to go through life with this person. I want her to be my other half. I want to face the challenges of life and the joys of life with this person at my side. I want to struggle with them, love with them, do the dishes with them. My purpose in life is to make this person happy, and hopefully their purpose in life is to make me happy. Hopefully our purpose in life is to make our marriage better. My biggest concern is her, her biggest concern is me, and our biggest concern is our children. We are married to provide a support for our spouse through life. I am here for her through any trial she may have, just as she would stay with me through any trial I may have. If the world quits on her I am the one person that will never quit on her.

And so, now you know how I feel about Kylee as well as my words can express it. She is just incredible. I have an incredible wife and two incredible children. In other words, things are perfect. I have a faith I love, I had the opportunity to get an education at a fine school. I am actively living the American Dream. I have been given every opportunity to take the best of what my parents have passed on to me and to add to it. Most of all though, I have been given the opportunity to change in the truest sense of the word, to become a new man because of Christ. I have a family that I can change, improve and become better with. I have food (which is an incredible blessing considering how many people don't in the world, we sometimes forget that), shelter, clothing. In other words, I have everything anyone could ever want.

Kylee and my kids are really the pinnacle of blessings. God has established a perfect plan in which we come to earth and learn to be like Him in these little family units that mirror the ones we will live in in the next life. The greatest joy in life is found within the family unit.

Kylee doesn't read my blog very often, so the nice thing is that I can profess my love to her and our kids on this blog and she doesn't even know about it :) I just wanted everyone to know how grateful I was for my family. I also wanted them to know how amazing Kylee is. Kylee, Mikelle and Jonah can motivate me to be good like nothing else in this world can. Whenever I think of how incredible of a man I will have to be to ensure that Kylee is sufficiently loved, and how incredible I will have to be to prepare Mikelle and Jonah to go out and face the world, I know it will only be possible through God. I really think he gave me such an incredible wife and kids so I would have a celestial touchstone to compare myself to.

In other words, I am just really grateful today for all that I have. I have a lot.

Conference!

2008-04-06T16:26:00.003-06:00

Wow, what an experience. I was amazed at almost all the talks. They were just incredible.

I was especially blown away with Priesthood session. All of you ladies out there should read the addresses from Priesthood in the Ensign. They are incredible. Lately I have been wondering about different aspects of the gospel and every question that I had in conference was answered in Priesthood. It was an incredibly edifying experience.

Also, during Priesthood session I had an incredibly strong feeling that President Monson is called of God. I know it is obvious, but the Spirit's sweet reassurance was still very welcomed.

Also, as you can tell, I have a lot of opinions, probably (almost definitely) all of them are not right. I love hearing from the Apostles and Prophet when they speak because they are great at bringing people back in that have different views. What I am saying is, I talk about these things a lot, but I readily recognize that sometimes I am simply wrong and I love that we have people who receive revelation from God that can bring us back into the right way.

I know those men are called by God. I know that God speaks to individuals when he speaks to the masses. I can't express how grateful I am for this.

Are Things Evil or Are Attitudes Evil?

2008-04-05T00:10:00.004-06:00

We talked about this yesterday in my Bible as Literature class.

I don't think things are evil, I think attitudes are evil. We were talking about various different things, about alcohol and other things of a similar nature, and someone mentioned how evil they are. I am acknowledging that for the most part, things are evil, but I don't think that is the concern on God's part. I think God is concerned with the attitudes that lead to behaviors, not as much the specific behaviors (although he is surely concerned with some behaviors).

For instance, I don't think God thinks that alcohol is evil. In fact, he says pretty much that much, when he says it is for the washing of our bodies (mouthwash) in the Word of Wisdom. He clearly doesn't feel like alcohol is evil. But I think culturally we think it to be. I knew someone who wouldn't use alcoholic mouthwash because they "wanted to avoid even the appearance of evil." I think when Latter Day Saints consume alcohol it isn't necessarily the alcohol that bothers God as much as it is what the consumption of alcohol means--you are not listening to his council and his prophets. So all of a sudden your heart isn't in a place that will listen to God or his servants, and this is what scares God more than the actual alcohol does.

Think of it this way, when Christ comes again he will destroy all pornography. Pornography, in one grand moment, and suddenly, will quickly become a non-issue. So we can clearly see that pornography doesn't worry God, at least in an eternal way. But this is the rub, the attitude that persisted in people's hearts to look at pornography could theoretically, and realistically, endure in someone's heart forever. God isn't worried about the pornography, he is worried about someone's heart being in a place that it shouldn't be in.

If a person commits adultery I don't think God worries about the actual sex. He doesn't care about the actual physical act that existed between the two people. God cares about the lack of love for the spouse, for the adulterer's heart being far from HIm, and for the fact that they are putting off the Spirit of God. He cares about the attitude that existed in the heart of the adulterer, not the act.

We have come to worship, in an opposite kind of way, sins. We think that the sins are what keep us from God, when I think in reality it is the attitude that enabled us to do the sin that keeps us away. And this attitude isn't a convenient attitude to hold, because it makes you consider all your acts. So if I skip my priesthood meeting I could easily think "well, priesthood meeting isn't very important, it doesn't really matter if I go." I think to some extent, a person could be right when they think that. But I would think, if I skipped Priesthood, that an attitude led me to not go to my meeting. An attitude made it so I didn't go and try to increase other's faith by sharing my own. An attitude let me think that I could not make time for spiritual things and still survive spiritually. So this attitude of attitudes being evil and not actual acts makes me think much more about what I do or do not do. The Priesthood wasn't the best example, but you get the point (hopefully).

So what I am saying is, if my child comes up to me and says "Dad, I fooled around with my girlfriend" I won't freak out because of the act, I will freak out because of the attitude, or mentality, that was in my son's mind when he committed the act, not the act itself. I will do my best to help him, or her, see that their attitude, not the act, is what is going to keep them from God.

Another way to look at it is this, if my son wanted to fool around with a girl (and not in the "everyone is naturally attracted to someone way, but in the "I really want to fool around with my girlfriend way) I would think that he needed to change his mentality. If he didn't even do it he would still need to repent, because at that point he wanted to do it. So regardless of the act the attitude would need to change.

Personally, I think God cares about the end result. Evil acts are simply the manifestation of evil attitudes. Evil is, to me, doing something that is against the will of God, or won't bring happiness, which I think is the same thing. God doesn't care what sins we committed, he only cares what our hearts are like. This attitude of attitudes being important put the impetus on us to ensure that our hearts are right with God. It is a difficult life to live.

What If He Said It Would Be This Weekend?

2008-04-03T13:47:00.004-06:00

What if during conference this weekend President Monson announced that the Second Coming of Christ was imminent, even at the door? What would you do?

I heard a quote from Joseph Smith quoting Amos 3:7. He said that if "surely the Lord God will do nothing, but he revealeth his secrets unto his servants the prophets" why wouldn't he tell the prophet of his return. I think it is a valid point. I don't care if he does one way or the other, but I do think it seems like the prophet would know when it was soon. He is going to come like a thief in the night, but overall he would still have this type of arrival even if the President of the Church said it was soon. With 13,000,000 members out of 6 billion people I don't think many people on the earth would know about it. And even if they did know about it, they would just make fun of us probably and say, "Oh, one more religion trying to predict the day, it will be funny when they are wrong!"

I am not trying to say anything about the roles of prophets or anything like that. I am just asking this question: If President Monson said Christ was coming "very soon" what would you do for the rest of the weekend? Or week? Or year?

Although we know he is coming soon, I am not really sure what I would do if it was extremely imminent (besides repenting a little more. I repent consistently now, but clearly everyone would make a conscious effort to do it a little more earnestly). I know one thing I would do though, I would go by some food storage immediately, just because there are going to be some crazy times before he comes again. We have a little, but not a lot.

So what do you think? Would you quit your job? Would you move back to be around your parents? Would you apologize to people you haven't apologized to? Would you forgive those who need your forgiveness? Would you give more of your goods to the poor? Would you make a more conscious effort to say I love you? Would you bear your testimony to loved ones who should have heard it a long time before?

What would you do?

Law School

2008-03-30T19:41:00.004-06:00

I love how perspective means everything. I absolutely wanted to get into the University of Denver's Law School. I visited it two years ago and had a distinct impression that it is where I need to go. After many different phases of life I still thought it is. I still feel that way now. But I threw out a University of Colorado-Boulder application also just to see. I was rejected. I wasn't very sad actually. I knew I wanted to go to DU, but the instate tuition was tempting, and the instate tuition not being connected to GPA was very tempting. So I started to think that CU was for me.

Well, I was accepted to the University of Denver with a 15,000K/year scholarship conditional on a 3.0 GPA. When I started studying for the LSAT and was practicing at pretty bad scores I would have been ecstatic about this. But now my rejection at CU makes me kind of bummed. Not that I would have attended, it is mostly a pride thing--I just want to say I got in and chose a lower ranked school. I am an idiot, I know, but it was still my feeling.

Well, that really isn't a big deal. I wanted to go to DU and I got a great scholarship. Also, it should be known that I am a horrible student, and by some stroke of miracle I somehow did well on the LSAT and did well at BYU. I don't know how it happened, but it happened. So I just feel so grateful that things have turned out so well.

But then I went to the DU admitted student's open house last weekend. It was rather depressing. Mostly because I thought that the student loan package that they give you would be increased because I have a wife and children (you can only take out as much as they anticipate the cost of living for a single person to be). You are not allowed to work your first year of law school, which further complicates the situation. When I asked the lady if they increase the cost of living for married people she said that they don't--it was their choice to get married, so they can reap the consequences. The strange caveat that she put in though was that if we put the kids in daycare they would increase the loans by 795$ per child/per month. I thought this was ludicrous. If you want your wife to raise your children and not put them in daycare they give you nothing, if you want to put them in daycare even if your wife can watch them they will give us 1590$ per month. I think it is insane to force people to put their kids in daycare even though a spouse can watch them. I just don't get it. It is going to be hard to go from a very family friendly school like BYU to a rather family unfriendly school like DU.

So that has me nervous about paying for law school. It is almost impossible to find an apartment for 700$ a month in an area that is safe. And the law says we have to have two bedrooms, so we can't skimp there.

So the point of this blog was to say that even though I should be beyond excited that I will be able to pursue a law degree at a great school with a half tuition scholarship I am now kind of feeling downtrodden. It is all perspective. I just want to go to school there and pay my bills, is that too much to ask?

I need to talk to some people who have done this and see how they did it. I knew having kids so young would be tough, but this particular trouble is very taxing mentally on me. Suggestions are welcome.

Mission (and possibly wedding) Pictures into the Computer

2008-03-22T08:17:00.007-06:00

Today I am going to scan all of my mission pictures onto the computer. This is a large undertaking; I have a lot of pictures. Also, I am going to help my father-in-law clean out their garage to get the house ready to be sold. Also, I plan on doing stuff for the teacher I TA for and do Spanish homework. Also, in honor of the warm weather I will definitely be barbecuing some hamburgers. If I have the time I am also going to go on a mountain bike ride and put in Kylee and mine's wedding pictures onto the computer also. And, of course, we are going to Boston Knowles' birthday party at four! Kylee got him a cool Cars toy and we think he will like it. It should be exciting all around.

I will also probably make a book of my mission pictures and we will probably also make one of our wedding. On my Apple computer we have a nice program called iPhoto and you can make sweet books pretty easily:

http://www.apple.com/ilife/iphoto/printproducts.html

These books are amazing. Kylee and I made one for Ken and Cheryl's (Kylee's parents) wedding and it was amazing. We started with them as babies and went all the way until now, with pictures of Ken on the bottom and Cheryl on the top and them aging with each page. It was cool. When they opened it on Christmas they cried. It was awesome.

So a relaxing Saturday doesn't come around very often. Saturday's are usually the busiest day. Also, Saturday is my "watch the kids morning" so I am waiting until Kylee wakes up so I can go to work on the stuff I have to do. So I am just waiting.

The weather is becoming much better also. People are smiling more, which is always an indicator that spring is on its way. I love the warm weather!

An Amazing Song

2008-03-20T13:04:00.004-06:00

Why I Choose Apple

2008-03-14T01:01:00.004-06:00

toI don't think the choice of Apple is a forgone conclusion, although some believe it is. I also happen to work for a company that sells exclusively Apple stuff, so I am even somewhat biased in my opinion. But, to be completely honest, I also have to confess that I got the job selling Apple Computers because I liked them so much. Anyway.

I think a Windows machine is better for three different kinds of people. I think for gamers, extremely low-end customers, and people who make their own computers Windows machines are a better choice. There are some exceptions in those categories, but as a general rule, those people are better off getting a PC. I think the vast majority of people do not fit into these categories however. And for them, I think Apple is a great choice.

I will list a few short exceptions. For the low-end customer I think the Mac Mini is a fine choice. But I would also have to acknowledge that a computer that starts at 599$ and doesn't come with a keyboard, mouse or screen is hardly low-end. This is hard to debate I think. Dell and others surely make computers that have these peripherals and are not as expensive. You get what you pay for, but for the person who only uses the internet and email, a 399$ Dell is probably just fine. Sadly so.

Also, for people who like to swap out parts and make their own machines there is the Mac Pro. The Mac Pro however isn't completely customizable and it is harshly expensive. When a computer starts at 2799$ it is hard to say that it is the right fit for many users. Many people who make their computers try to make them as cheap as possible, and they are usually the people who would never spend 2799$ on a computer. But for the professionals this computer, which can have parts swapped out, is a great choice, albeit an expensive one.

And now, getting to Apple Computers. For the vast majority of people I think Apple is the way to go. I will highlight some reasons. There are many.

1. The tight grip that Apple has on its products, company and following can be considered detrimental. While I acknowledge that it is in some cases I would also have to point out the absolute, biggest advantage of this: all the programs work together extremely well and they are all designed similarly. This can be bad also, but overall it is a huge advantage to Windows machines. It is incredibly convenient when using a program on a Mac to be able to just hit the media browser and have all of my videos, music and photos available to drag and drop. Also, as things are designed in a similar way it is quite easy to get to know a ton of programs quickly. I can't explain the frustration I would experience with my Dell when I would try to add photos to certain applications or do similar things and it wouldn't work. The tight grip that Apple has on us is clearly to our advantage when it comes to interoperability within programs on Macs. I love this feature of Macs.

2. The software. I have spoken about this in the previous reason in a way, when it comes to the interoperability of the software, but I mean this in an overall sense. A Mac has incredible software to begin with. When I first fired up my Mac I noticed how many programs there were and I was astounded. One of the very best things about these programs is how intuitive they are. They are extremely easy to use. Also, because the programs are so intuitive and easy to use you actually use them. I tried using Windows Movie Maker or whatever the program was on my Dell one time. I laughed hysterically after seeing it. It was a horrible little program. And because I didn't want to scour the internet or pay for a program I just didn't edit video. But because of how nice the Macs FREE software is I use iMovie quite regularly. I am very impressed with the Mac programs. The software bundle that comes with a Mac is worth hundreds of dollars to me in value. I believe that many people would actually spend hundreds of dollars on software if they bought a PC, but they would realize if they looked into a Mac that almost all the software they will ever need is preloaded on the Mac computers (except Office software, but this is standard for all companies).

3. Visual reasons. The Macs just look better. And I am not even speaking about the outside of the computer, I am speaking of the actual interface. It is much better than a Windows machine. I have seen and played with Vista and even Vista is worlds away from the nice interface and graphics that the Mac has. I like how you don't view applications in full screen, I like how you don't have that nasty taskbar on the bottom. I just think overall the Mac platform is much more visually appealing. And from what I gather, it delivers this superior layout and interface at a fraction of the RAM needs of Vista.

4. User Experience. Macs are much more fun to use than a PC. Expose is a brilliant program that I use quite often. I have seen that Windows machines have tried to imitate many aspects of the Expose application and failed. The hot spots in the corners of the screen also enhance this feature. I love how you can leave all your windows open without having to close them down or minimize them. The taskbar was horrible on a windows machine. Also, it is much more intuitive. Once you unlearn the stuff you learned from the PC you start to realize how smart the way Apple has set things up has been.

5. Digital Media. This one goes along with the interoperability a tad, but I love how much it makes you pay attention to digital media. People who never took pictures are now taking hundreds of pictures. People are becoming much more productive. It is only going to increase, as Apple rolls out new software to organize your life we will see more and more schools getting good players

And there are many others. I just am starting to get really tired so I am going to call it a night. Almost everything about what I said though comes from the value of the software. That is the clincher. With the unrivaled industrial team, the user experience that comes with a Mac and all its software it is hard to foresee Apple slowing down at all.

I may add more to this later.

Everyone is a Blogger

2008-03-11T11:25:00.007-06:00

So I was speaking with Alma two days ago. She came over for dinner with Michel. Alma strikes me as a person that thinks a lot. I think she would have some interesting things to say. In fact, I often think, "I wonder what Alma is thinking right now." So I brought up blogs with Alma and asked if she would create one. She said, get this, that she "didn't have anything to say!" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

So the title of the blog gave it away, but I think that everyone is a blogger. Everyone has things that they ponder about that would add to the lives of those that read it. There are many kinds of blogs. Mine, for instance, is posting about things that I deem as important. These important things that I post about are things that I usually haven't completely thought out yet, or I haven't come to a conclusion yet, so I post to hear what others think. I started the blog because I wanted to make a community of people posting about things I wanted to hear more insights into. It is working perfectly right now. Although, I must say I would like more comments and more readers, but who doesn't?

Blogs give us a chance to know more about a person than just what their favorite music is, who their friends are, and if they added the vampire vs. ninja application or not. Blogs give us a chance to get to know those around us much better. Now, I acknowledge that many people are more private than I am, and they do not share the very serious things that they think about. I am fine with that. It isn't for everyone to bear your soul on this world wide web. But you don't have to only post about serious stuff. You can also post on a movie that you saw and what you thought of it. You can post on how you wish people would walk on sidewalks like we drive on roads, with oncoming traffic coming on your left side because it makes it easier when people organize. Or you could post about how you wish wealth was more equitably divided amongst the people of the world, or how how you wish the inequitabl distribution of wealth could be skewed more in your favor. All of those are great blog topics, to me, and none of them are too personal to share. You get my point.

We need more bloggers. I want to know my friends better.

Everyone, has deep thoughts. They may not be insightful, but they are deep. Otherwise, how would we make any decisions. Every person has made important decisions. Every person has opinions on things that matter in an intense way. We will use Michel, a.k.a. Jon, as an example. We call him Jon to protect his real identity. He grew up in a small town in Maine. He made choices to live the life of a Latter-Day Saint amidst those who did not share his faith. He chose to attend a university across the country. He is going to serve a mission. All of these things are extremely important things. Wouldn't it be interesting to hear his reasoning behind these choices? Wouldn't it be nice to hear others reflect on their opinions and attitudes about the life that goes on around them. We don't have to be insightful, we just have to think and share, and when we do that we have a community that can help us reach insightful states.

I wish more people had a blog!

Pictures of the Temple

2008-03-11T10:32:00.006-06:00

Here are some pictures I took of the Salt Lake Temple a year ago. Some people saw them and requested them from me. I didn't think they were amazing, I actually took them for a science class project, but after all of the building me up I now think they are rather good. So here they are.

Secretly, I am also posting these so I learn how to post pictures in the body of the blog. I am a horrible person, I know. I shouldn't use my blog, and temple pictures no less, for selfish reasons like this. Forgive me, from the bottom of my heart.

Just Like Me

2008-03-09T22:08:00.004-06:00

So Kylee and I were talking the other day about how we should live. I told her I live by the, "if everyone was just like me what kind of a world would it be?" mentality. I will elaborate.

This mentality governs a lot of my actions. For instance, when I think about throwing trash out the window the immediate thought that most people have is "well, it is just one piece." But my mentality is, "if everyone threw out a piece of trash, just one, the world would be horribly polluted." So I don't throw out trash out the window because of the implications if everyone did it.

This is another example. There is a road in northern Provo, right before the canyon, in which there is a hill with a road on it which merges onto the big road. I am usually traveling on the big road and people coming down this hill merge into my road. I hate when they are going slow and the make it so the big road has to merge when their road says merge. They are requiring two people to yield instead of one, slowing down the whole process. So for a while I wouldn't yield for them no matter how much they pushed it. I thought, "I need to show them that they are supposed to yield." I think that mentality is ridiculous now, for a couple of reasons. The first is that I shouldn't think it is my job in life to correct all wrongs, or at least what I conceive of as wrongs. Second, if everyone did what I was doing it would be a horrible world where nobody would be letting others into lanes. The roads would become horribly aggressive wrecks. Also, think about when they close a lane on the highway. I used to be the kind of person that flies up the lane that is ending and sneak in right at the front. I realized that if everyone did this it would be a pretty crazy place to drive, and the people that wait patiently in the back of the line get shafted. So I stopped driving up the side. It is also dangerous to be going such a drastically different speed as other people on a road.

So I try to live in a way that if I extended my actions to everyone the world would be better, not worse. I think this is a good mentality. In fact, I walked to church today because of this mindset (and the nice weather), I thought, if everyone in Utah, where they all live a half a mile from the church, walked to church, there would be far less pollution.

So I recommend trying the, "if everyone did this what kind of a world would it be" mentality. It has worked so far for me.

Acquiesce?

2008-03-05T00:56:00.003-07:00

This is probably the thing I struggle with most of all.

You see, I am of the variety that thinks very little in this life is necessary and almost all of it is pomp and circumstance. I wouldn't call myself an anarchist by any means, but you could say that I have some of their blood in my veins, just a much more subdued version of it. Let me elaborate.

There are a few things that are great examples. First off, the tie. The tie is one of the greatest examples of things that I hate in this life. Now granted, I wear a tie every Sunday, at the very least, during a week. I am guessing that pretty soon I will start wearing one to work every day. But why! It serves absolutely no purpose. I suppose it covers up our buttons, but I don't think revealed buttons is a very big deal. It does not keep us warm, it just serves no purpose. It serves no purpose, except to fulfill a convention that has been established.

The second thing is praying with a hat on. In the New Testament they prayed with their hats on. They said it was a shame to pray with their hat off, or have your head uncovered when you pray. Yet now it is the opposite. There wasn't another change like the Law of Moses or anything like that to change it. It was just people in those early days deciding that they wanted to do something different and take their hat off when they pray. And because they did that we now have the convention of praying with it off. But the rub is that for it to be the convention now to pray with our hat off, somebody had to go against the system then. Someone had to take their hat off and cause gasps around the room. So when Kylee asks me to take my hat off when I pray and I refuse she says I should take it off just to be polite. But that is the problem, it is polite now because someone wasn't polite then! What if I am the person who needs to do it now.

That could be when the pride sneaks in. Why do I think I need to be the one who bucks all these trends and traditions. I also hate it when we are supposed to double space the introductory stuff on a paper, like name and date stuff. Kylee asked if I would get points taken off my paper and single space that part just to make a point, to which I responded in the affirmative. I absolutely would get points taken away. She said that is prideful. It may be.

But there is a sacrificial part to this question also (I hope that word--sacrificial--isn't too loaded to use in common usage!). For me to be the person to buck the trends and traditions I will have to go without some things. For instance, if you go without a tie to an interview chances are you will not be landing the job. So do I have to be the sacrificial lamb for change? I don't know. My teacher says that some things are not important enough to try to change the way they are, like the tie. But I said that is my point exactly--if it isn't important why don't we just do without it? Should I be the one that starts it. Maybe I could be the beginning of getting rid of a useless article of clothing.

This may seem like a small thing to you readers, but it is something that I struggle with almost daily. When do we go against norms and traditions to institute change? I hope someone has some profound insight into this problem I face, because I don't have a clue what to do about it. I have seen many teachers who seem to face the same dilemma.

It is like today. Today I wanted to wear basketball shorts. I can honestly say that in cold weather my legs don't really get cold. So I decided I was going to wear shorts. I almost didn't wear them because it is dressing down too much and because people would give me the "you are not tough as you think you are" look or the "you are crazy" look. I decided that was stupid, what do I care what others think, and I wore them. It could possibly have been prideful to declare that I don't care what others think (we all do), but I did it anyway and wore my shorts. They were very comfortable.

What do you guys think?

Instant Messenging

2008-03-04T09:33:00.003-07:00

I wish more people would use instant messaging. I realized that I am around my computer for probably about 5 hours a day with school and work. It would be great to be able to speak with everyone. Instant messenging would be a great way to accomplish that. I think a part of the problem is that everyone uses different chat software. If only there was a way to stream line these things.

Anyway, if anyone is interested, I think my chat name is mattlduff on AIM.

What Makes A Good Movie?

2008-03-02T23:12:00.003-07:00

Kylee is laying next to me watching Proof. It has Gweneth Paltrow in it and Jake Gyllenhall. I am supposed to be writing a story for my creative writing class right now, and I am terminally behind in Spanish and I surely could be doing that also. But neither will get done in the next hour or so. Proof has me thinking--what makes a good movie?

I think a good movie does one of two things: it entertains or provokes thought. A few examples will illustrate.

Provoking Thought

M. Night Shyamalan movies are the best example of this. I think he is brilliant because his goal seems to be to have people ponder over life issues. The Village is a good example. I didn't think the point of the story was to scare people with the creatures in the forrest. I think it was to answer the final question that the leader of the village asked, "well, we have the boy falling into the hole, we could use that to further the village, do we want to do that?" I left the theater with that question buzzing through my mind for the rest of the day, would I want to continue the village? I don't know the answer still, I still think about it. Therefore, it is a great movie.

Entertainment

These are the I Am Legend (I think this movie could straddle both lines) kind of movies. Or the James Bond movies, and the many other movies like this that are purely for entertaining purposes. Even Dumb and Dumber gets a nod for being a great movie in this category, because although Dumb and Dumber doesn't offer much intellectually it does entertain in a serious way. There are many of these movies. Actually, these movies are probably about half of all movies there are.

So those are the two good kinds of movies to me. There are great ones in each category. But the ones that make me think are, by far, my favorites. I love to have my ideas questioned, my foundations removed, and my viewpoints confronted. These movies are great.

I am grateful for the really good movies in life. They are true art.

I Wish I Had Insomnia

2008-03-02T00:42:00.003-07:00

That would be great, because then I could blame staying up all night on something. But as it stands now I end up just staying up late at night with nothing good to blame it on. I remember in high school I couldn't sleep, I think I did have some sort of insomnia at that point. Not sleeping during high school was very nice because even though I went to bed far too late I still got by fine during the day. I wouldn't be tired at all from staying up late. But that is not the case now, I get pretty tired sometime.

There is just always something to do! I feel like I am going to miss something if I go to bed.

But as much as this is true, there are very few feelings that can parallel falling to sleep. It is divine!

Homosexuality

2008-02-29T00:19:00.006-07:00

So, this post is extremely volatile. I would like to start out by very sincerely saying that I do not mean to offend in any way. In fact, I don’t think what I will say will be offensive at all. Mostly because what I intend to say is my opinion. Well, not only is it my opinion, but it is my belief. The great thing about beliefs is that we are all welcome to our own. So while I confess and share my beliefs now I am grateful that we can all have our own beliefs. Indeed, I think it is a great day when people can have very divergent beliefs and still live peacefully together. A short story may illustrate the point:

When I served a mission for my church I had a missionary companion who I lived with all the time. The only time we were not together was when we were going to the bathroom or bathing. We were always together. The companion that I was serving with was extremely different than me. We were not getting along at all. We had a meeting with our mission president and he asked us why we were not getting along. I thought about and thought my answer was foolproof, “we are just completely different people.” Well my mission president gave the face that let me know that this clearly wasn’t the right answer. And then he said something that has greatly changed what I think about things. He said this, “Do you think people in a Zion society are all the same?” For those of you who are not aware of this concept, a Zion society is a religious society in which there is perfect harmony with all people. You could just call it a perfect society and I think it would have the same meaning, almost. I thought about his question to my answer and I had to say that I didn’t believe they were all the same. It became clear to me almost immediately that they actually had to be different for it to really be a Zion society. He made my companion and me aware that Zion societies are perfect because people learn how to live with people who are different than them.

And so that is how I start this off. Just because we may have differing opinions (and I am sure we do) doesn’t mean we can’t “get along”, although those words aren’t really conveying the full meaning of how much I think we can still coexist even though we differ.

So I wanted to write about my beliefs about homosexuality. There will be many rebuttals to this, I am sure. I think many of the people who read this will have different grounding assumptions than me so they will definitely have rebuttals, but I think what I will say is completely true. But, if you feel the need, add a comment, and I will read and respond to them. I am quite interested in the discussion that stems from this post. Please be helpful though. For instance, a post along these lines: your religion is stupid and just wrong, wouldn't be very helpful for feedback. Just assume I am going to stick with my religion and then leave posts with your comments that could actually open up some productive dialogue.

It is an integral part of my faith that I am a child of God. When I say this I mean it in a very literal sense. I believe that God, the Father, created my Spirit. I believe that he is my father in heaven and that there is a family unit that exists in heaven. I believe he knows me personally as His son. I believe that it is quite possible that God has a wife, and that together they created my Spirit. I think that the family unit on earth is a model of the family unit that we will find when we pass. I believe that we will, or can, inherit everything that God has. I actually think that is logical for a father to want to give his children all that he has. I believe that God wants to give us everything that he has, and he will, if we are faithful. These scriptures in Romans 8 describe it well: “for as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. For ye have no received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit that we are the children of God: and if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.” It is because of this knowledge that our views on many things are different. Because we believe we are the children of God our views about the afterlife, and how this life relates to it, are usually very divergent to others views.

The marriage covenant is a great example of this. We believe that we will be married in the next life. We believe that if we are faithful to God in this life we will be blessed with our marriage relationships lasting into the eternities. As a couple we can grow to become like God. We can, eventually, come to know a life similar to the life God now lives. This is implied in the “heirs of God” part of the scripture. Just like in life when we are heirs and inherit all our father has, in the next life we can do the same.

And this is where our view of homosexuality comes into focus. I do not believe God thinks homosexuality is gross. I don’t think he hates homosexuals, like some people espouse, http://www.godhatesfags.com. What I do believe is that God’s largest desire and hope is for us to come to live life in the way he does. He wants us to be able to continue creating life throughout eternity. All the commandments we have in this life are leading us to that end. And that, to me, is why God forbids homosexuality--because he knows it will not lead us to the greatest source of happiness, to live like he does. Any other kind of life is a life without progression and glory, and a life without progression is being damned (just like water, if you dam it you stop it from progressing).

I always wonder what other Christian faiths believe is the reason for God forbidding homosexuality? If they really think they are going to end up in heaven just singing praises to God all day long do they really think that homosexuals couldn’t do that as well as them? I really can’t see what grounds they have to say homosexuality is wrong other than just, “God forbids it!” Now don’t get me wrong, I believe in the “God forbids it” reasoning just as much as the next guy, but I think there is always a very good reason behind it. On every commandment you can see the sense behind it. But on this one I don’t think there is much grounds. If we are not going to have families in the next life, what would the purpose be of forbidding homosexuality? Sure there is the scientific and logical reasons, society ending in one generation if everyone was this way, the increased likelihood of disease contraction, the complimentary differences that men and women bring to the family organization and others. But none of those are innately religious, and I think God usually has some pretty religious reasons for allowing or disallowing certain behaviors. Again, I think his desire to have us live the kind of life he does is the reason that he forbids homosexuality, because it doesn’t lead to that end.

Now there are so many side notes that I could go off on this one and elaborate much further on, but time doesn’t allow that to happen. But this is my feelings on homosexuality. I don't think God forbids it because "it is gross." I don't think God forbids it because it is unnatural either. Heterosexual, premarital sex is INCREDIBLY natural in my opinion, but it is forbidden just the same. Why? Because it leads us away from the plan that leads to happiness. It is not part of the plan because it doesn’t lead to eternal happiness, which is the kind of life God lives.

BYU Basketball 2

2008-02-27T17:51:00.003-07:00

So the win last night redeemed the Cougars. Of course not when it comes to March Madness seeding, because they would clearly be seeded higher if they had won both, but definitely when it comes to my opinion of them :) It was a great road win. That foul at the end was tricky. Because the ball was out before the foul was committed. Also, there is no guarantee that he would have hit both free throws. But if it was really a foul, and was called, then they should have been shooting them if that is what the rule book says when there is a foul like that.

Very interesting game either way.

BYU Basketball

2008-02-24T12:23:00.003-07:00

I love the Cougars. They have only lost at home one time since I have been at BYU. That alone makes them extremely fun to watch. I also like their style of play.

But there is one thing that irritates me beyond words. BYU players look like they have never played against athletic players all their life! How many times did they get swatted yesterday? Chris Collingsworth's blocked shot was a great example. He caught the ball down low and tried to go straight up with it. The other freshman on the court, Billy White from San Diego State, jumped up and annihilated the ball. I loved White's face after. He had the look that said, "Did you honestly think you were going to get that shot off?" And that is the problem. It seems like BYU players, especially the tall ones, have never played against tall, athletic people their whole lives. Plaisted, Miles and Collingsworth all get blocked on a regular basis, especially when they play athletic teams. It looks like they all have played against short people they can dominate their whole lives and when they play against bigger people they get swatted.

Dave Rose needs to pull them aside before they play the UNLV's and the SDSU's of the conference--teams with athletic, tall men--and tell them that they are not in Provo anymore. I think it would do wonders for how many of our shots get sent into the stands.

Also, we are incapable of winning away from the Marriott center. It is irritating. We are not going to get a good seed because we can only win at home. All I want for this year to be considered a success is to win one NCAA Tournament game. That is all I want. I would be ecstatic.

The Deseret Morning News

2008-02-22T18:09:00.006-07:00

It seems that all of my first posts are about serious things, and that wasn't intentional. I guess it could be because I made a blog to share some of the things that I have been thinking about and these are the things that have been on my mind for a while. Maybe next week I will write about something that isn't very important, but still extremely interesting--sports.

But until then . . . I read the Deseret Morning News a lot. Being in Utah there is an extreme amount of stories that revolve around religious people. These stories almost without fail revolve around Mormon people doing something wrong. But there are times when they find someone else to speak about. The stories don't necessarily bother me, although I do think they try to show Mormons doing something bad any chance they get, but it is the comments that irritate me.

For instance, about a year ago there was a BYU professor who was caught doing something inappropriate and just plain wrong. I was amazed at the comments people left. Many people were calling for him to be thrown away with the key and numerous other things. I couldn't have disagreed more with many of the posts. But a couple bothered me a great deal. One person said that we shouldn't be so quick to judge. I believe the exact quote was, "he who is without sin cast the first stone." I agreed whole-heartedly with the post. The person that he was telling not to judge wrote back that he could judge, or cast the first stone, because although he had sinned he had never sinned as greviously as this professor had. I was dumbfounded. What a horrible world we would live in if everyone could "cast stones" at anyone who committed a worse crime than them. I am glad Jesus set the right example for us, as he forgave everyone, regardless of their sin, if they came to Him. He truly was not a respector of people. I think we are not to judge any sins. Now, don't get me wrong, there are sins that are so grevious that people lose their right to live in society because the potential risk of them acting it out again is too great a risk. But these are few and far between, and even those people are not in our stewardship to judge . . . in my opinion.

Also, I can't stand, in all these articles, when someone was Mormon and doing things that are wrong and they get caught and people say they were living a double life. While I do acknowledge that some people intentionally try to deceive, I do think a lot of others are just doing their best. It is funny because if these people spoke to someone before they got caught what would be people's advice to them, "Go to church, try to be good, live your life better!" Yet when people recognize that they are doing something wrong, can't figure out how to stop it, and try to go to church and do other related things, and then get caught, people say they were living a double life. If holding on to the one thing that can actually help you is living a double life, then yes, they are doing exactly that. Let people that are having a hard time hold on to the thing that can save them, it is all they have when times are hard! We always say that churches are hospitals for sinners, not museums for saints. If that is true why do we get upset when a sick person is found at the hospital on Sundays?

I do acknowledge that there are lots of people who do intentionally deceive. In which case all I said is out the window. But you get the gyst of what I am saying. Just because someone lives a religious life and does something wrong doesn't mean they are deceivers. I am someone who thinks that every person in life does some things wrong, and one of those "everybody" could be a member of a church--just maybe!

This isn't meant to be a confessional, in fact it isn't. I do think I am living a good life. But I must say that if I ever did start doing something wrong (I am scared that this post and the David post will start to get people thinking that I am committing horrendous crime--I am not :) ) and I didn't know how to stop doing it I would still go to church. I would still talk about God, as I would love Him regardless of my actions, and I would try to help others believe in Him also. If I got caught I would guess that people would say I was living a double life. That irritates me.

The Weather

2008-02-22T17:19:00.003-07:00

To put it succinctly, I am sick of it.

I also don't agree when people say they would prefer cold to horribly hot. I think horribly hot is uncomfortable, I think cold hurts. These are two different worlds. When you have taken off as much clothing as possible and it is still hot it is just uncomfortable. When I have put on a ton of clothing and I am still cold it feels like I WILL DIE if I don't get inside where it is warm.

I prefer uncomfortable to death and pain anyday!

On a Lighter Note, My Favorite Lines From Songs

2008-02-21T20:24:00.003-07:00

Radiohead:

High and Dry

-It's the best thing that you ever had, the best thing you have ever, ever had.

It's the best thing that you ever had, the best thing you have ever had has gone away.

Karma Police

-For a moment there, I lost myself, I lost myself.

The Postal Service:

Such Great Heights

-they will see us waiving from such great heights, come down now, they'll say. But everything looks perfect from far away, come down now, but we'll stay.

Clark Gable

-I want life in every word, to the extent that it's absurd.

Death Cab for Cutie:

Title and Registration

-the glove compartment is inacurrately named . . . and everybody knows it! Because behind its doors, there is nothing to keep my fingers warm.

David, Bathsheeba, Hell and Me!

2008-02-21T19:50:00.003-07:00

Overall, these subjects are troubling for me. You see the problem is that I want David to be innately bad, but he is not. David was incredibly good! It says in the Old Testament that David's heart was perfect. But the obvious problem is that he fell from his "perfect" state and became a pretty horrible person. If he had been innately bad I could just caste off his story and say that it could never be me, but I can't. I can't because David was at one point an incredibly righteous person who made poor choices.

So what does this mean? What does this mean for me? While I recognize that I have done some pretty bad things in life, I also like to think of myself as a generally good person. I can say that I have generally not tried to intentionally do harm. But David could say all of these things at one point also. It causes me great fear.

When the situation gets really troubling is when I think of blessings from God. I sat on a chair in the bottom of the library today and thought about how blessed I am. I have a wife and children that are far too good for me, I have financial blessings that the majority of the world don't have, I also have had incredible opportunities in education. I will presumably be starting law school in the fall, so I will have acquired a level of education that only a fraction of the world has reached. But it gets troubling when I think of what I have done to deserve these things. My answer is usually very little! I honestly can say that I don't think I deserve these blessings. And that is when I start to get scared.

What if David was simply a lesson? What if he was led along to show us what not to do. What if Bathsheeba was bathing that night that David was on the roof so God could raise a warning flag to the world about adultery. Although I think David chose the path he followed I still must ask if David was just a lesson. And if David was, can I be? What if all these blessings that I don't feel I deserve are just setting me up to be a lesson other people are going to try to avoid? Sure, I don't feel like I could do anything horrible now, but surely when David's heart was perfect, as the Old Testament says it was, he couldn't imagine doing the things he did. How do we know if we will do something wrong someday? We really can't say anything is below us after seeing David commit adultery with Bathsheeba and then send her husband off to die in war. Again, I would like to cast it off and say he was just evil, but he wasn't! Can we be? Another question that this raises is can we do something that is against our own nature? I think that is why they have crimes of passion. Sometimes people do things that they wouldn't do in normal situations (whatever a "normal" situation is!).

I don't have any answers for this one. I hope I can avoid the fate of David. Maybe adultery has become the focus because the story is about David, but I am talking about on a larger scale--just sin in general. Can we escape a similar fate? I have no idea what to do about David, Bathsheeba, Hell and Me!

Faith?

2008-01-27T01:12:00.003-07:00

I have been struggling with something lately. In our faith we have countless people come up and bear their testimonies about how they know that the gospel is true. I have also said this countless times. My thoughts, and concerns, revolve around these two ideas:

1. Where is faith? We claim that the first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. If we know, we don't need to have faith in that thing! So do we really claim that faith is only reserved for those who are beginners in the faith (and now I can't really say "the faith" anymore)? Or is faith just for those people outside of our religion? I have issues with both of these, for obvious reasons that don't need to be enumerated. It seems that we have almost set aside faith for the weak, when I think faith is for the strongest of souls.

2. What about the Spirit? This point will seem largely like testimony, but they are my honest feelings so here we go. I have felt the Spirit speak to me. I have also felt times when I am telling myself what I want to hear through my emotions. Without going into it too much--I have had the Spirit speak to me and witness to me that certain things are true. I do not doubt the veracity of these things. So, is this knowledge and is faith necessary after this fact? I don't really know the answer. I do know this though, I can say that I know certain things are true and I do not feel I am being a tad dishonest. Then my confusion grows.

I am sure someone that is more perceptive than I am will show me a quote or something that makes this all make so much more sense. But as of right now I feel like I have faith. I am fine with having faith. I think faith is one of the greatest things a person can develop, and in a lot of instances it is the building block for everything else. Although people will probably start thinking that my testimony is wavering if I get up and say that I have faith in something, I think it is what I will begin doing. I do believe that the Spirit can make it so we know something, but I also think that the majority of the things that I deal with are faith . . . and I am fine with that.

That said, I do have faith in my faith (by its very name that would seem intuitive, but not in our religion :) I love my faith and feel greatly blessed to have found it. I am also grateful for the things that I know. I do think there is overlap.

So Makayla posted this in a comment on another topic and I thought it went perfectly with this post, here it is:

"For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it" (Romans 8:24-25)